Feeling numb and confused

[Cygnet44]

Hi
I'm writing this with tears streaming right now.
I met a lovely man 6 months ago. We're both separated from our spouses and so free to date. My separation has been relatively amicable, however my partners hasn't been; his ex-wife is an alcoholic and has been abusive to him over a number of years, both physically and verbally. She also tries to control him with her behaviour towards their children (aged 19 and 13).

For this reason, and until his divorce his final, I haven't been made part of his life; I've not met any of his family or friends, although some of them do know about me. His kids do not know about me at all. His son (19) lives with him because he can't stand to live with his mother and her behaviour, his daughter (13) lives with her mum, although she loves spending time with her dad and feels a lot happier with him. I'm also mum to my son (18).
We have a wonderful relationship; very loving, caring, we laugh together and I can talk to him about anything, I feel like I've met my soul mate, it's almost perfect. The sticking point has been me feeling like a dirty secret and not being part of his life at all, meeting friends etc. although I do understand his reasoning; he doesn't want his wife to know he's in a relationship until the divorce is final and their house is sold because she will put a stop to all of it or display some terrible behaviour that will affect the children.
To cut a long story short, this afternoon his wife was arrested for assaulting their daughter and burning her clothes on a bonfire (and that's without her knowing he's in a relationship, it was sparked by nothing he had said or done!). Their daughter is now with my partner, where she should be and there is a strong possibility that she will live with him permanently because the police have said they will place a restraining order on her not to contact her daughter.
It's all very sad and I feel so much for their daughter and know she will be a lot happier, safer and secure with her dad.
Because of all this, I know and understand that my partner needs to be with his kids right now and get this situation sorted out. He loves me and cares for me as I do him. So why do I feel so sad and confused? I feel like a spare part, I can't be there for any of them, not least my partner, through any of this because of the situation. I'm not sure where our relationship is heading, I've been so patient and understanding through a few situations these last few months and have always been there to listen. Because I am this 'secret', our relationship hasn't been able to progress much further than seeing each other a couple of nights a week (always at mine) and part of the very rare weekend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any hurry to rush things here, neither of us are ready for that. However I now feel this situation will only make things go even slower than they are; we haven't really been able to plan anything like weekends away and a holiday would be out of the question right now.
We were supposed to spend part of this Easter weekend together but he has already said that can't happen now, but still wants to come over for an afternoon to talk about our relationship. Of course I'm disappointed and upset although I understand and wouldn't ever make demands on him or let him know how upset I am when his daughter is absolutely his priority.
I don't know what to do for this best; I love this man and know he loves me deeply but perhaps the kindest thing for both of us is to let him go so he can focus on sorting out his kids welfare without having to feel he has to please me too.
I'm in turmoil, I feel confused, upset and torn between my feelings, what's right for me and doing what's right for him.
It would upset me immensely if I ended it, but I'm thinking perhaps this would be for the best.

Have you known him longer than 6 months or is that when you met him? Regardless of all this other stuff going on it is very very new still and very early days. All you can do is be there when he needs you without placing any pressure on him and as you say that's how it is now anyway well then nothing needs to change, basically.

It sounds like he's not ready or able to give you what you could reasonably expect from a relationship.

I agree with LetMe, for whatever reason you're not going to get what you need from this relationship.

I agree with the first bit of this too, perhaps the kindest thing for both of us is to let him go so he can focus on sorting out his kids welfare without having to feel he has to please me too. but not the second bit. This isn't about "pleasing you" but about being present in the relationship and participating in a healthy way.

If you and he really like each other then you will both be prepared to wait until this horrible time in his life has past. You can be there to support him, meet him when you can and keep chatting via phone or text. His priority for the next few years will be his children and if you do really like him you will have to accept that.
When is his divorce likely to happen?
It really depends on what you want, is he worth waiting for?
Good luck.

He sounds like a great dad. Thank goodness.

You know, I would just hang back and not make any demands at all at this time. He's under a lot of pressure. It's crisis time. Just offer support and nothing else.

It's not about you for him just now and you have to accept that. But who knows what the future brings.

He does sound like a great dad. Make other plans for Easter, tell him you'll be there for him and let him have some time to sort his home life out.

I think by the sounds of this that you may have to put this relationship on the back burner for now until he has his kids settled.

His daughter must be absolutely traumatised and she will need the majority of her dad's attention over the next few months. She needs to know that she is his number one priority, having been so badly let down by her mum.

I know this will be painful for you but if the relationship is meant to be, it will happen in the future. I think you owe him your graceful distance to let him concentrate on repairing the damage his awful wife has done.

Thank you all for your responses. We met 6 months ago, didn't know each other beforehand. We were both already separated. His divorce (absolute) is imminent and the house sale is going through as far as he is aware so that side of things should be sorted out in the near future.
He is a wonderful dad to his children, provides everything for them and is always there for them and I have the utmost respect for him. The mother does nothing for her kids except cause trouble.
We both have very strong feelings for each other, have a fantastic, loving, caring, respectful relationship and are sort of happy with the amount of time we are able to physically spend with other; we text/speak every day; he always texts me good morning and good night. We live an hour away from each other so it's not practical to spend too much more time together. We had just started to again discuss me being able to start visiting him in his new home (he has just moved into a rented house) because the divorce is imminent. He is very aware of how patient and understanding I have been but he is worried that his situation is holding me back with my life; that I should be in relationship where it's not an issue to be part of someone's life, go away together etc. We were both excited at the prospect that I can start becoming part of his life, be introduced gradually to his kids and meet his friends, family etc. I know that because of what has happened yesterday, it would be bad timing for me to start being introduced and so now I'm thinking this isn't going to move forward anytime soon.

I do have plans anyway for Easter weekend, visiting my family and friends and my partner still wants to meet up with me on Sunday afternoon to talk about the future of our relationship. He said he knows what he wants and he would like me to be completely honest with him, which of course I will be. I want to support him and give him the space he needs; I would be so sad to see this relationship end as I know he would too. So I think I've just got to be patient and understanding for some time longer and see what happens.

I agree that it is still early days in the relationship. I think that he needs to concentrate on his children for the moment. Maybe he could talk to them and ask them how they would feel about him seeing somebody, so that they are prepared for him to meet somebody.

Hopefully he wants to carry on seeing you but doesn't want to mess you around, so will let you decide.

I hope that you can both work through this together, but it sounds like you will have to be patient. If you are meant to be together, then there is plenty of time ahead of you for weekends away and holidays.

I think you are right in that you need to be patient and understanding, so be honest with him, tell him how you feel, but also stress that you can't be messed around. There is no rush to move in together or meet his children so just take things slowly and see what happens.

You call yourself soul mates so in your position I would wait. This latest event has slowed things down but it will pass. Even his younger child isn't that young. Six months is still quite early in any relationship let alone one with these complications. I think he's been very sensible keeping his relationship quiet. If you had met friends or dc there is every chance the ex would find out and make things even more difficult.

If you love him you stand by him in this awful time for him and give him the space he needs. No doubt he wishes it were different.

You have years ahead of you that IMO are worth waiting for. He will love you all the more for your patience and understanding.

Tough times, though.

Thank you skyeskyeskye and MatildaTheCat (thanks for the flowers ).
I'm absolutely going to stand by him; he knows I'm here if he needs me. I'm trying not to think about the relationship side of things and just be a supportive friend right now. This afternoon his dd has been interviewed by social services and the police, and I'm praying they make the right decisions for all concerned. My partner and his kids have all been through horrible times because of the ex wife's drinking and behaviour. I'm just sad and frustrated that I can't physically be there to support them; I do kind of feel like a spare part but I'll get over that. He is definitely worth waiting for; I have no doubts at all about our relationship, otherwise I would have been long gone.