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Relationships

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Original poster

gifts/boundaries with his ex

20 replies

pdxs · 01/04/2015 22:47

Bit of a strange one... I've been dating a friend who is recently divorced (long distance) and we are going on holiday while his ex is having their son for a week (normally shared custody )

I was a friend of the couple after he met and married his ex, and used to visit most years taking a specific kind of alcohol available in my home town (and not theirs).

She suggested she'd like the usual item - he thought a bit odd, and he said to her. he mentioned it to me however. We've left it that I may pick up a bottle. It'so not a big deal, but seems odd: like she doesn't think things are any different since the divorce

I don't know what to do... be gracious and buy it, or ignore her request to set a boundary. I think they act too much like 'still married' since their recent divorce - so don't want to make a rod for my own back. Is she being interfering or am I being ungracious?

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 01/04/2015 22:51

I think it's a good sign if she's not seeing her relationship with you both as a hostile one, but a more normalised one of people who all have a history with one another and do normal things like ask them to pick up a bottle of that booze they like.

Original poster

pdxs · 01/04/2015 22:59

Thank you ... its exactly what would have happened in the past. I do have a lot of concerns that the man I am dating has not moved on re her which is why it is even a question in my mind, but maybe this is not the example that I need to focus on

The other part is I don't want to signal that she is doing a 'favour' by having her son (it's not babysitting, they have several unshared weeks each year in custody agreement for holidays) so don't want it to be a thank you. .. bit maybe an amicable gesture

What is odd is that I think she is too involved... eg he organised a friend to drop him at airport, she "took it upon herself to cancel plans" and is driving him. ...It all seems a bit too involved, and that she is driving it...

I don't want to ignore her/childishly pretend she does not exist but neither to condone meddling/act like we are all going to be one bif (polygamous ) happy family...

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Bluetonic123 · 01/04/2015 23:08

The other part is I don't want to signal that she is doing a 'favour' by having her son (it's not babysitting)

I seriously don't think you should even begin to make any comment about that. The childcare arrangements are between them.

I don't want to ignore her/childishly pretend she does not exist but neither to condone meddling/act like we are all going to be one bif (polygamous ) happy family...

If they have a child they are a family unfortunately.

What makes you feel he hasn't moved on? I think this is more important.

MrsRonBurgundy · 01/04/2015 23:15

I don't see the issue here to be honest. It certainly isn't anything I'd be able to summon the energy to get worked up about from what you've said so far

MrsRonBurgundy · 01/04/2015 23:15

Is there more to it because what has been posted so far seems quite insignificant to be posting a thread about?

Original poster

pdxs · 01/04/2015 23:18

Agree on the childcare - it is between them

I think... He is someone who is a bit too nice/accommodating, and as it's been less than a year since the split he is in the habit of involbing her in everything

So: she is going to stay the week at his house when he is away (she lives quite a bit further from the school so makes sense plus has no separate room for his son)... I worry that is confusing for child but practical

Not moving on... she spends time at his house waiting for child before his school finishes, he consults her on what gifts to buy ther son (if okay to get a knife for a 9 year old... He should be able to decide fir his son)

Basically, I know he is in process of untangling /setting new boundaries on an amicable divorce so want to be understanding but also make it clear that I need boundaries to be in place before things can progress for him and me - ie they are coparents and not more

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MrsRonBurgundy · 01/04/2015 23:24

I think them consulting on gifts or anything to do with the Child involved can only be seen as a positive thing. Joined up and consistent approach whichever parent they're currently with should be in the child's benefit.

Waiting at his house for child to finish school could seem odd if it's for hours at a time and every day but then if they're on pleasant terms, it's only really for him to say if he minds isn't it? What's the reason it bothers you in particular?

Original poster

pdxs · 01/04/2015 23:27

Blue tonic, Mrs Ron, Archery Ann - thanks for the replies. There is a lot of back story and I have found her controlling/a bit deceitful about money in past (clear example - we went on a group holiday, this couple paid for me on advance. I then gave her my money... few hundred pounds. Few days later my friend/her then hubby asked for the cash... she had never told him I'd paid her... ). I don't want to set myself up for more of the same (being a provider...I often 'treated' her over years as she was sahm and I work...)

I guess it's a bigger thought about how to change negative dynamics and accept that the relationships are different now... bit to still pave the way for an amicable future

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pieceofpurplesky · 01/04/2015 23:34

I think you are lucky she even speaks to you / you were so close she loaned you the money to go on holiday and now you are dating him? Separated a year? And you are jealous of their relationship because they do what is best for the child? Hmmmm.

Original poster

pdxs · 01/04/2015 23:34

I agree on the joined up parenting... its just the level of contact (practically everyday) seems so odd. Ther marriage was very terse for last 4 or 5 years (more so on her side. . Think she was fed up of housewife role, understandable reasons). I find the sudden massive amicableness odd, and don't want to give the impression I want to see her a great deal... amicable is fine but want to have some privacy too and signal that... but declining to buy a bottle of booze is probably not a signal of anything

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honeyroar · 01/04/2015 23:36

I would just say if she can give you the money in advance you'll pick it up for her. You're doing her a favour (so being nice) but it's not a present if there has been advantage taken in the past.

Other than that they sound like they have a good working parenting relationship. Something that is good and which you have to get used to as a step parent. It's not easy, and not rocking the boat unless there's a good reason is important.

Original poster

pdxs · 01/04/2015 23:38

PP - to clarify, she did not loan me anything. He paid for a group outing, I gave the cash when I saw them to her not him (He had paid, not her, but a couple so I thought same wallet). She then never mentioned to her H, which was embarrassing when he asked for reimbursement already given.

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Original poster

pdxs · 01/04/2015 23:42

Thanks Honeyroar and other posters. I think I will pick up and give as a token gift/friendly gesture, but glad I said I'd think about it... so not assumed

Their amicable coparenting is a blessing - for their son, and their own stress levels so support that - appreciate the comments to that effect. As I often have to think... All new territory to navigate

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ArcheryAnnie · 02/04/2015 05:51

If it helps, my relationship with my ex is WAY more amicable now we are not together, and now he is with someone else! I too had an issue with him being a bit too comfortable in my flat when he was visiting or looking after DS, but I think that was down to long familiarity and habit, not intent, or any not-moving-on thing. Mine is a small flat, and I had to specify eg "never go into my bedroom as it's not yours too any more", even if DS was in there for whatever reason. Once I had set boundaries - saying am not doing this to be rude, just for own peace of mind - it improved. But this would have to come from your DP, NOT you. Be heartened that it can be a really good thing to have an amicable relationship with your partner's ex - it makes the practicalities easier and life a lot smoother!

springalong · 02/04/2015 09:03

Neither - interfering nor ungracious. You said you were a friend of the couple - perhaps her "normal" request is a small way to try to show that she doesn't mind you being a couple. I don't know if any of you have children but keeping good relations between exs and adults is such a great thing to do. Buy the bottle!

springalong · 02/04/2015 09:13

Sorry thread moved on.

DeckSwabber · 02/04/2015 09:22

You said yourself its been less than a year since the split.

People take years to get over broken relationships, and it sounds like they are doing their best to make it work. Let them sort it out and be grateful his ex- is being friendly.

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2015 09:22

This is all a bit odd. You say you were a friend of the couple, are you now no longer friends with the ex? It seems on the face of it a bit of a double kick in the teeth to the ex who used to be your friend - 'look I'm shagging him now, and fuck your bottle of Sambucca'?

Cabrinha · 02/04/2015 15:23

I think you're looking for problems that don't exist. Even the thing about her son - it will not confuse him, his mother staying at his father's house. It's closer to school, dad's away with his new girlfriend. What's confusing about that? He's 9. My 5yo wouldn't be confused by that.

I'm confused though - by the drama! She wants a bottle of plonk. Why the big deal? It's not a thank you for babysitting, it's just a bottle of drink.
And actually, even if they do have some full weeks, what's wrong with a "thank you for making childcare post separation work" small gift?

pocketsaviour · 02/04/2015 16:16

'look I'm shagging him now, and fuck your bottle of Sambucca'

I think you might want to step a bit back from this relationship, to be honest. they are both giving out signals that perhaps things aren't quite as finished as they might be. Not the parenting side, but the way she dropped everything to drive you to the airport, plus the turning up in advance of school let out (unless it's like 10 mins).

I'm also a bit that he would have to consult his ex on whether it was a good idea to buy a 9 year old a knife...

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