Will all the fun start now? Told him I'm done

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I am a regular, I don't want to drip feed so here is the first thread with background. I got some great advice and support but at the time I felt too worn down to take it, but I wanted to say thank you and update, so that those who supported me know I took their advice and I am making tiny steps
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2262224-I-have-done-something-awful-and-I-need-to-be-brave#51463771

In the weeks that followed I tried very hard to keep life ticking over whilst I thought about my priorities. I got in touch with friends who he had isolated and got some advice about my financial situation. I spoke to one very dear friend who knows both us and she made me realise the extent of his manipulation, and finally today I have stepped into the unknown! I have done it. I have told him that its over. I have also stopped seeing OM and basically cut all ties there too.

But I am now sitting here wondering when the fun will start. He is upstairs in the office laughing loudly and carrying on as though nothing has happened I feel like he hasn't actually listened to what I have said. Is this normal abusive behaviour? Is he going to carry on and make me endure this for years? He has already said he "isn't moving out, I will have to commit more money to the pot, Can I pay him to go?" It feels like blackmail because every suggestion I make is met with "It can't be done" whilst he says "well you will have to help me find somewhere to live, or give me some money and then I will go"

So, I don't know whether to cry from relief or frustration. I really don't want to get the solicitor involved again, I have no proof of what he did (he bit me, pushed me and raped me) beyond my word for it and short of reporting it as a crime I can't see how it can be used to get him out???

Hi op

I'm not sure what your financial situation is or if you have children?

I can tell you that the student finance system is very generous towards single parents in terms of grants and help with childcare.

They can also help you find accommodation and some universities have family accommodation. Is leaving the family home a big no no?

Also the university have an access fund. This fund is for hardship. Think you are moving home but have no furniture etc they can help with this sort of thing. Obviously they won't fund a whole new home etc but you will get some support.

Your husband raped you? I think you ought to report this. If you feel strong enough. If only to prevent him doing it again to you or anybody else for that matter.

Don't lose your resolve to leave him.

Is there equity in your home? Is he a high earner? Would he pay maintenance?

Does he admit to attacking you?

Sounds awful. Why cant you report him?

We do have children, two boys. I live next door to my father who is getting old. I don't want to leave here. I grew up here, he didn't. I have people around me who I have known all my life. People ignore us mostly, I feel like cying, it wasn't always like this, but he is horrid towards people and tries to keep people away.

I will get help whilst I am undergrad, so at least that is ok. I tested a hypothesis on him. I said I would get a job, his face fell "no, you can't, you must stay at uni, you must do MA etc,..." because he thinks this binds me to him. I finally decided that my sanity was worth saving! and he really is happy to manipulate anyway he can just so long as I don't leave him. So short term I will be ok and get help. Long term I shall have to give up and get a job.

He will never admit to it, I haven't tried to talk to him about it. He lies, always has, bends the truth. he works in mental health. For years when i was low at home with tiny Dcs and lonely, he told me I was mad. There is no way I will get him to admit it.

He is now hovering about downstairs. I feel like an insect under glass all the time.

op he has raped you before and could do it again. i fear for you being under the same roof. my abuser refused to leave my home when i ended it. i didnt want to involve police so agreed to him staying two weeks. in that time he tried to rape me. dont let the laughter fool you. he is an angry man and you are in danger. WA always say this is the most dangerous time.

Sorry - I don't know your back story. But can you not go and live with your father until your 'D'H leaves?

Op

All is not lost. There was a woman on here recently and she had an abusive husband. She got herself a lawyer recommended by her local woman's aid.

That lawyer succeeded in getting her a non molestation order. And helped her start divorce proceedings.

That order insisted he stayed away from the family home and did not contact her at all.

You can fight him. You can.

You should not have to live with your rapist.

All abusive men use the mental card, then threaten to take the children, then say they are sorry.

Just a range of tactics to wear you down and frighten you.

Could you contact WA for advice?

MyRightFoot I am sorry this has happened to you. Are you out now? I hope so.

I don't think I want to report it, he would lose his job and then it would be much worse. I don't want to effect his ability to work or parent dcs. I don't think he would try again.

If you do have to get a job just explain to your tutor what is happening at home and maybe take a year out or they might be able to come to some other arrangement.

You poor thing. It doesn't seem so serious when it happens to you but by law he should be serving a lengthy prison sentence.

Sorry x posted Quitelikely I have looked at the website a couple of times and the online course. I will ring them and ask though. The solicitor I saw adviced about the non-molestation order and an occupation order. She didn't say I had to report it as a crime. But I thought at the time it was odd because I would have thought I would have to.

theguilt i am out. i reported him, it went to court, he was found not guilty. giving evidence in court was worse than the attack. i wish i had got help instead of thinking i could handle him on my own. i think your ex is quite capable of doing it again im afraid.

Op would you consider getting an order out against him?

I'm sure WA know the best solicitors in your area. You could ask what it would cost and use his money to pay for it.

He doesn't need to know you are trying to get the order. He won't know until it's served.

Even if you paid for it yourself using uni loan once he has gone you can show your bank statement to the uni and explain your situation, why you needed to use your money to get him out and I'm sure they would give you a grant.

It's going to take something drastic on your behalf. He's never going to go without a fight.

Sending strength.

If she said you don't have to report it then you don't have to. She would know.

Don't worry about him. He didn't worry about you when he attacked you. He didn't worry about you going to the police. He thinks he has you whichever way you turn.

YOu can get this man out with a court order, and without giving him any money. And if he loses his job that would be a good thing. I have read your other thread, and he is a disgusting, dangerous piece of shit who is almost certainly raping and abusing his patients as well.
Unfortunately, there are quite a few MH professionals who are abusers, and who choose this line of work in order to have a pool of victims who they think won't be believed.
GOod luck, stay strong. You owe him nothing and if throwing him out and publicizing his abuse causes him problems, then it serves him right.

op, like you i didnt want him to lose his job. like u i took responsibility for his welfare when he didnt give a shit about mine. you must put your safety first. and as insurance for the future please try to record his nasty verbal attacks. they may give you great leverage legally.

For the immediate future stop doing anything for him.
You have stated you are separating so no more cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping etc.....

Please contact Womens Aid and CAB and see where you stand with benefits etc. if he moves out.

Could you log the abuse and rape with the police?
You don't have to press charges as such just get it logged so it's on file.

He doesn't deserve your niceness he really doesn't.
Stop worrying about his job and what might happen to him.
Just concentrate on getting him out and away from you.
That means doing what ever it takes.
He's an abuser through and through so you will need to take the legal route.

Well done for telling him. I bet that was hard but you did it.

Theres a reason that people who are convicted of these kinds of things lose their job - if he's capable of that kind of cruelty and abuse of power then he shouldnt be in a job that gives him so many of those kinds of opportunities with such very very vulnerable people.

He wont be losing his job because you reported him, he'll be losing it because of what hes done and what its revealed about what hes capable of.

IME this is quite normal. He will continue to ignore the fact that you have said anything until you actually do something. But he might well try some kind of "silent" revenge - be very careful.

Thank you everyone. I have been quiet because I have taken some time to try and talk to him.

We spoke last night. I haven't mentioned the incident but he now knows I took advice from a solicitor regards the house situation and the children. I have sort of played it down with him but made it clear that I will do whatever is necessary to stay here and for the children to stay here.

Unlike last time, he is being very calm and very kind, very reasonable and there have been no threats. Its quite odd. I feel a bit strange about it, almost as though he has decided to play it nice, its a game! It feels like a game. He has suggested we look at the finances and we split all spare money between us, he will then save to move out. But I am still thinking that he is playing the long game. I am certain he thinks I will eventually back down. I am not, so for now I think I shall just hold the line, avoid time with him unless its with the children, and save some money too.

SGB, I really do hope you are wrong.