am i making a mistake???

[mothergoingmad]

Hi all this is going to be a long one....
I have been with my dp for 7 months we were together before I met the father of my children and went our separate ways when I met my kids father. The kids father and I split up almost 4 yrs ago.my dp and I met up again 7mths ago.
At first everything was great my dp made a HUGE effort with my kids and really went all out to get them to like him. Now all that has changed he seems to see them as an inconvenience. He moved into my house after only 2months of us being together (I'm now thinking this was a big mistake!) My dp drinks quite a bit like every night maybe 4+ cans of lager then falls asleep on the sofa. he works long hours so I can understand him being tired.He spends hours (most of the weekend) watching footie on tv.He does contribute financially in giving me cash each mth for food shopping etc he earns quite a bit and gives me very little. He is still married to his wife and has been telling me for 6mths that he will get a divorce but he has done nothing about it. He is still in contact with his ex-wife (i've checked his mobile phone as I had my suspisions but when I've asked him he's said they have not been in contact. He told me his marraige collapsed due to his debts amongst other things (we r talking about a credit card and a loan nothing major as far as I'm aware) I do his cooking washing etc and all he does is go to work. I work myself and run a home look after 2 young children and HIM. He tells me all the time that he loves me but I'm struggling to find the answer to the question do you love me? I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. We have booked a weekend away together a week on Fri my parents are having the kids. I was looking forward to it but now the nearer it is getting the more I'm dreading spending time with him. He has offered to look after the kids when I'm at work in the evening but the kids are not happy with that as he has looked after them and they tell me all he does is tell them off. I'm in a real dilema at the moment and I'm not sure if I was happier when I was on my own with only myself and the kids to think about (I did it for 3 1/2 yrs) maybe I'm used to my own space and now I don't have it I don't know how to handle it. I have trie talking to him about all this but nothing changes. Please give me your opinion as parents anyone in the same boat I would be really interested to hear from. thanx guys x

Think - why was he an ex?

I think you already know the answer...

Re-read your post as if it were someone elses, and you'll see it all.

What are the positives in your relationship ?

To feel like this after only 7 months (previously doesn't count) sets alarm bells ringing as most couples who were "meant to be" would still be in the honeymoon period.

I hope I don't offend you but from your short post you have told us he is tight with money, short with your kids and lies about being in contact with his ex. He appears to be making no effort to sort out a divorce and to be totally honest, based on what you've said, I suspect you are a convenient place for him to rest his head - especially as he gets everything done for him.

It can be hard to adjust to sharing your home with another adult (been there, done that) after being on your own for a while but it if was simply adjusting to that, your post here would be all about how he leaves the seat up, leaves the sink full of toothpaste and crumbs in the butter, not the more serious things you've implied.

If you struggle to tell him you love him I think you should cut your losses before you make any further commitment to him like another child or getting a property together. The huge effort he made at the start of the relationship can't have been for very long ...... maybe long enough just to get his feet under the table perhaps - 2 months ?

I think he's using you and you don't need a 3rd child to look after.

thanks for the quick responses. It is easier to see the bad points of a relationship than the goos but I do hear what you are all saying. witchcatsmother you have hit the nail on the head with the being used part that is exactly how I fell more of a convenience than anything else. My kids are 4 & 8 yrs old old enough to have their own opinion(and boy do they!) I'm wondering if I should talk to them to see how they feel about things what do you think? I'm not sure if they would tell me the truth or say what they think I want to hear. Yes it does seem he was NICE long enough to get his feet under the table. I'm also a bit scared of being alone again it can be a lonely place being a single mum. He tells me he loves me and can be very affectionate. I wonder (not to sound like I'm putting myself down) if I can do any better I've done the dating thing before I met him again and didn't meet anyone and to be honest I hate going out on the pull it's just not my scene anymore (was when I was a spring chicken.. listen to me I'm only 29!) I don't want to dump him then regret it later when I all I needed was some space. as you can probably tell I'm in turmoil over what to do. He says he wants to get divorced and marry me and he would love a child of his own I'm not so sure about any of this can see me ending up a single parent of 3! He's prob treat my kids worse as well if he had one of his own.

You are being told by him that he loves you to keep you both sweet and acquiescent. You were told this long enough so that he could move in with you. You were and are continuing to be used.

He is also an ex - ex's are ex's often for good reason.

I would listen to your children carefully and be prepared for what they will say to you.

What is this man bringing into your family exactly apart from being short with your children (I would pay close attention to what your 8 year old in particular is saying as they are very perceptive) and drinking to excess every night. He is binge drinking - do not make excuses for him in doing this by saying he works long hours. He is lying to you about contacting his wife and only watches tv at the weekend. This man hasn't even bothered to get a divorce even though he could - that also says a lot about him. What his wife would say about him would no doubt be instructive as well. She would probably say that you're more than welcome to have him as she is far better off now without him.

You made one huge error in letting him move in with you (presumably he was kicked out of the marital home by his wife) but do not compound your errors further by either having a child by him or just as bad marrying him. Some stepfather he'd be to your kids, he'd be dreadful and your children would be ignored by him. I reckon as well your children are frightened of him. Pay attention to what your children are saying about him - do not subject them further to a life of misery under him. If he was to have a child by you your own kids would be far worse off. These are not even his children and they're being told off by him. Where are you when this is happening?.

Get some backbone and tell him to sling his hook for good. You'd be far better off without him in your lives as he is a poisonous influence.

Of course it can be lonely being a single mum but you're only 29 and your life is not over yet. You will meet someone deserving of you someday but its certainly not this man. Work on your own self image and worth, believe in your own self. You're better off further making a nice life with your own children rather than have some immature manchild potentially ruining what you have worked so hard to achieve. You've been latched onto by this man because you are vulnerable. He has taken advantage of your vulmerability.

"I don't want to dump him then regret it later when I all I needed was some space".

You think that all you need is space!. I don't think so. Don't blame yourself - he's the one with all the crap that he's brought into your lives. He is ruining what you have managed to achieve whilst being on your own with your children.

You still going to go away with him even after all this?. Never put a man before your children.

PLEASE please don't have a child with him. PLEASE. I did exactly this, and now have a look at my thread 'no sex for 3 years'. I met my husband shortly after divorcing my first husband. It all took off very very quickly,a nd we got married. he was lovely to my kids, sending them pressies when he was working away, writing to them etc...we moved in together after me having to sell my house (conditions of my divorce)and it all changed, literally overnight. He locked my daughter, who was only 8 at the time, in her bedroom for 24 hours for saying no to him. he first removed everything bar the bed from her room and made her stay in bed the whole time. I was dreadfully sick at the time with food poisoning so couldn't do a thing to help her. It went downhill from there. I have my own business but have had to cut my hours to a bare minimum of one evening a week so I don't have to leave the kids with him. I came home from work one evening to find my daughter had run away from home! We live in a secluded rural village, and when my son discovered she was gone he told my husband. he sent my 9 year old out to look for her!!!! In the dark, no street lights or anything, while he sat at home.
He sleeps on the settee, we haven't had sex for 3 years (the last time was when my daughter was cenceived and she is now 2) there is no intimacy, no respect, no love, no friendship...he hates the kids and they hate him. I am only still here ebcause we have a baby together,a nd we have nowhere to go. I am taking steps now though to escape. Please don't. It doesn't get better...it only gets much much worse. I also had 'problems' with his ex wife; well not with her but with his feelings for her. He would say that she had text him, but when i checked his phone the message from her would be a response to something if you see what I mean...like starting the message with 'no' so it's obvious he had been texting her. he is controlling, manipulative, cruel, devoid of feeling and emotion...I think he just used us...in fact I think he deliberately chose a recent divorcee as he knew it would be easy. I got 40k from my house; within a year it was gone. Every penny.
I so so wish I had got out at the beginning. It's a nightmare and your kids will suffer; mine will and we now face going into a refuge to get away from him and leaving everything behind. You can avoid that.

unwanted your post made me cry when I read it. You are in a far worse situation than me my dp is not controlling in any way.made me feel selfish posting on here really.

DP just seems to be annoyed by my kids they can have a laugh together when he's in the right mood but when he's not they are best to avoid him. I had a bad relationship with my ex my kids have been through enough already and I don't want a man in my life making them miserable. my daughter who is 8 calls him lazy as he watches football on tv all the time and falls asleep on the sofa at the drop of a hat.

I wonder if I asked him to move out for a while how he would react.. would it be the end or would it give me some space to decide if I really want to be with him or not? WOuld I miss him or not??
I rushed into moving him in he was in rented accomodation prior to moving into my house which I fought my ex hammer and nail to get, we had a joint mortgage and I bought him out in the end.I was really happy b4 my dp moved in and thought it was what I wanted it was great to begin with.

I'm not prepared to sell up and buy a house with my DP and risk losing everything and ending up in a council house.

It was 2 weeks before xmas that my ex moved out 4 yrs ago and it was the worst xmas of my life trying to make it nice for the kids and putting on a brave face for everyone. I wonder if I should see how things go between now and xmas between us and make a decision in the new year. Or should I not put it off and sort it now??? I just don't know what to do for the best. It is my Birthday in 2 weeks which is why we are going away for the weekend (the big 30!). I think I need to speak to the kids and see how they feel about things.

I know I'm gabbling but it does help to get it all off your chest and you get some really helpful comments here which help put things in perspective.

I have to some degree put him before my kids it's hard to juggle a job a home kids and a new relationship trying to please everyone and get everything done. I've realised I've been putting him forst in the last few weeks and have made steps to change that in spending more time doing things with the kids and less with him.

He has picked up on the vibes I must be giving off he kept asking me if I was ok last noght as I hardly said 2 workds to him all evening.

I just don't know how to handle this one for the best. Don't want to make a snap decision I live to regret he is a good man and I could do much worse but there are lots of issues that him getting a divorce is not going to solve as I said I have discussed them with him but nothing changes he just doesn't seem to take me seriously!

I agree - you nned to think why he was an ex in the first place.

And then realise you are not who you were when you knew him before - you have kids now.

And then think that the only way you have a good family life is if any new dp gets on with the kids.

If he drinks all evening, works all day, and watches footy all weekend - what are you getting out of it ?

If all those questions come up with a negative answer then it is time to call it quits.

mothergoingmad

In answer to your question re either putting it off or sorting it now I would choose the later option.

Think your 8 year old daughter is on the money when she says he is lazy. She is showing a lot of maturity here.

I realise you're lonely yes and being a single parent is bloody hard but you have put this man before them till now - at least you now see that and are working to change things. It goes without saying you need to put your childrens' interests first then yours.

I would imagine your children try to get on with him for your sake primarily as you are desperately trying to play happy families yourself with this man. He seems to have some sort of svengali type influence over you - he is an ex (ex's are ex's for good reason and this one is not even divorced yet thus making you "the other woman") and now you're back together again. I think a lack of self worth and esteem has played some part in bringing you both back together. I also think that if you did not think so poorly of yourself you would not have had anything to do with him.

As Throckenholt has already asked amongst other pertinent questions, "just what are you getting out of this relationship exactly?". A wish to rescue and to save him from his own self?.

He is a good man you say - er perhaps I'm missing something here but he seems to have no redeeming features whatsoever in terms of how he's treating your children and you (he does not take you seriously). That is you trying to put a gloss on things.