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Original poster

How to handle FIL's funeral

21 replies

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/04/2015 12:38

Just for background I'm currently househunting to move away from my very abusive OH of 36 years, made much easier by a legacy from my father. The years of appalling emotional abuse and being put last finally got too much - first it was his job, then his other women and prostitutes, then his equally abusive mother with whom he's plotted against me repeatedly; her years of calculated spite finally led me to go completely NC

Now FIL has died - a man I always loved very much. I originally planned not to go to the funeral to avoid her, but I can't do it; I couldn't be there during his last illness because of MIL, and silly as it is I really want to show some last respect. So instead of being there as "family" with OH and MIL, I've arranged to go with a personal friend and sit further back; I'll just be there for the service then quietly leave

My problem is that OH thinks that I'm being terrible and that I should go with him and MIL who's "just an old lady who didn't mean it and is really sad" That's not important, but what's worrying me is if he works with her to stage some sort of confrontation - I wouldn't want it for myself, but even more I'd hate it for my late FIL's sake. So my question is this: Is there anything else, other than what I've planned, which I can do to make sure unpleasantness is avoided all round? Any advice very much welcome ...

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BarbarianMum · 01/04/2015 12:43

Arrange to arrive at the very last moment, when everyone else has taken their seats - your friend can help with this - then do what you planned and slip in at the back. Leave as soon as the service is over.

shovetheholly · 01/04/2015 12:48

I'm really sorry for your loss, particularly in such difficult circumstances.

Great plan from BarbarianMum. You can arrive, park up, and head off to a nearby cafe or shop, and your friend can text you when things are just starting. That way, you avoid confrontation beforehand. You can say a few words of comfort to your OH and MIL if it seems appropriate on the day - but your own judgement will guide you there. And then leave as quickly as you politely can and certainly don't go on to any reception where there might be alcohol or chitchat.

It might be worth doing something lovely to remember your FIL, whether that's public or private - like dedicating a bench in a local beauty spot to him or planting a tree in your own garden to remember him. That way, you get to grieve and mark his passing in your own way, independently of the crappy situation with those who survive him.

magoria · 01/04/2015 13:03

I think your plan to sit in the back and say your respects is perfect.

Why is your Oh dismissing your thoughts and feelings over people you have known 36 years?

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/04/2015 13:08

Thanks very much indeed, both of you - I'd thought of getting there early to find a place near the back, but on reflection I think your suggestions are much better; they avoid any chance of something being said before the service (though obviously MIL will be coming with the cortege so will arrive at the last minute herself)

I also love the idea of something like a dedicated bench. FIL was always very active in his village community and played endless games of football on the local park, so a memorial overlooking it would be wonderful ... I really should have thought of that myself

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Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/04/2015 13:11

Sorry, Magoria - cross post Wink

OH has always dismissed my thoughts and feelings over absolutely everything - it's not just about his mother - which is precisely where the househunting comes in ...

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magoria · 01/04/2015 13:22

Oh sorry! I thought it was a new OH not the one you are leaving.

Good for you for getting rid.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2015 16:48

I bet your dad would have been delighted to know that his legacy would enable you to leave this awful man and his mum.

ineedabodytransplant · 01/04/2015 16:57

OP, the MIL may arrive with the cortege but the family etc. generally walk in after the coffin and then others follow. You can easily slip in at the back as people tend to fill the front rows first. Especially if the funeral director is guiding people.

I admire your wish to show respect. And lovely idea about a bench.

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/04/2015 17:10

I bet your dad would have been delighted to know that his legacy would enable you to leave this awful man and his mum

Probably, yes - and he didn't know the half of it. The stupid thing is that I spent decades trying to make a friend of MIL and behave decently towards her; I must have been an utter fool as her spite is just too ingrained and it's not helped that OH is utterly in her thrall. He didn't even support me when MIL finally announced that I wasn't wanted ... mummy might have been upset, you see

ineedabodytransplant I confess I was rather hoping those attending would seat themselves before the cortege arrives, but if as you say we all follow FIL in, I'll just have to try for a place at the back like you said

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Cleo22 · 01/04/2015 18:10

Have a word with the funeral director for his advice. They will know the venue etc and I am sure they are used to dealing with this situation

bluenailpolish · 01/04/2015 18:34

This may not be relevant, but if you are married to OH your legacy may not all be your money, get advice.
You and your FIL know how you felt about each other whether you go to the funeral or not, keep that in your heart, dont worry about it too much if you dont go to the funeral. Spend the time doing your own goodbye to him.

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/04/2015 19:05

Good idea about asking the funeral directors, Cleo - I'll definitely do that

bluenailpolish Don't worry, I've already asked my solicitor about the legacy. Since there's just about enough in our house and joint savings to buy us each a little place with a bit left over, it's apparently very unlikely he could touch my inheritance, providing I keep it in my name only and don't use it on "joint" things. He also expects to inherit a roughly similar amount from mummy, so isn't likely to go short himself in the future

In the unlikely event he did try to grab my money I luckily hold a "nuclear option" in reserve ... I have the transcripts of his 1000's of dirty texts to OW and porno pictures he sent of himself, which I'm quite sure everyone who knows him would be fascinated to receive Wink

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Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/04/2015 19:47

Oh great ... STBXH has just come home from his precious mummy's and passed on the message that I'm not welcome at the funeral at all; apparently if I turn up she'll arrange for me to be evicted. How nice Hmm

All I wanted to do was pay respects to my much loved and widely respected FIL; guess I'll go somewhere quiet and try to remember him nicely in my own way instead ...

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Almostfifty · 02/04/2015 21:54

Funerals are public ceremonies, you can't be evicted from one.

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/04/2015 22:08

You're right, Almostfifty, but it's the sheer unpleasantness it would cause which I want to avoid. I can't do anything about MIL's almost obsessive spite, but I won't spoil peoples' memories of FIL by enabling her to create an attention-seeking scene

It just seems such a shame that she chooses to behave like this, but fortunately I'll soon be in a position where I'll never need to see her again

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iwashappy · 02/04/2015 23:00

Oh Puzzled I am so sorry that your FIL has died.

How awful, and disrespectful to her own husband, that your MIL now doesn't want you there at all.

Is that because you were planning to go by yourself and not with her and your ex? I'm assuming you would rather not go at all than go with ex and MIL if that is still an option.

I'm assuming you know where he is going to be buried so you could go up afterwards with your friend and pay your own respects that way. Or even watch from afar if that is logistically possible and then go over when ex and MIL have left. Is there a relative or friend who could fill you in on the service and maybe keep you an Order of Service so that you feel a bit more involved if that is the right word.

The bench is a lovely idea too and hope the house hunting goes well.

Thinking of you Flowers

honeyroar · 02/04/2015 23:21

Well she's proved you right, hasn't she! Awful thing to do, banning someone from paying respects.

Don't worry. Your FIL would have known you cared and respected him. It doesn't matter whether you go or not, that won't change.

Good luck with the house hunting. May you soon be away from them and moving forward.

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2015 09:55

Yes, Iwas - I believe you're right that my going non-contact is what's behind this. I wasn't supposed to spoil her ability to spite me, you see; it's taken away from her an opportunity for control, when she'd have preferred me to go right on offering myself up Hmm

He's being cremated and his ashes scattered on the local park he loved so much, so I won't be able to attend that either. FIL would have hated this, but honeyroar is right that it's what we were to each other which matters rather than the current unpleasantness

Of course none of this is helped by STBXH carrying on about her being some poor, misunderstood old dear; luckily I'll be away from that sort of stupidity very soon

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iwashappy · 06/04/2015 21:55

If your MIL is not prepared to put her differences to one side for one day to respect her own husband then clearly NC is the right decision for you.

I am quite sure that your FIL was aware of the good relationship that you had and although going to the funeral is the conventional way of paying your respects it is certainly not the only way.

As you can't go to the funeral itself and there will not be a grave as such perhaps when the funeral is on you could go somewhere that you have some happy memories of your FIL or go to a place that he liked and have your own private time to remember him and pay your respects in your own way. x

honeyroar · 06/04/2015 23:25

I was just thinking.... She can't stop you putting a nice memorial message in the local paper on the day of the funeral, can she?!! Everyone would see it, and know you were thinking of him (her included!)....

Original poster
Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/04/2015 10:12

I'm so glad I posted this on here; honeyroar that's a brilliant idea and I shall organise it today

Iwas you're right of course that it's a shame MIL can't put aside her spite even for one day, but sadly that's how it is. What I'm going to do now is take the friend who offered to accompany me for lunch at the pub near the village church. There'll be a clear view of the 1pm funeral, so if a lot of people turn up and it seems I could nip across unnoticed I'll consider it - if not, we'll raise a glass to him in the little pub lounge which he loved and spent so long in, chatting to his many friends Smile

Oh, and I forgot to mention that MIL has actually organised two funerals. I thought the main service was at church followed by just a committal at the crematorium, but no - she wants a second full funeral service there too. The silly thing is that FIL would have absolutely hated this kind of carry on ...

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