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Relationships

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Original poster

husband taking wedding ring off for work.

21 replies

nj32 · 01/04/2015 08:34

After a few weeks of discussions my husband of 10yrs pretty much told me it was over. I should have seen it coming but ignored it and am devastated. We have two children. Day to has been reasonably ok since but when we have spoken about things it goes round in circles and he doesn't really want to talk about it. Over the weekend he instigated a conversation saying what was going on last week it was over yet we are still sharing a bed, wearing rings etc. As far as I know he has told no one. However I realised on Monday that he is taking his ring off for work but I can't confront him as I'm yet to see him without it. I'm fairly sure there isn't anyone else. Any advice please x

OP posts:

Letmejustsaythis · 01/04/2015 08:43

If it's definitely over which he has told you then taking his ring off is just confirmation of that. It sounds like you have to accept it.

Be prepared though, if it's only coming off for work, maybe he has his eye on someone there or is having an affair?

prepperpig · 01/04/2015 08:45

As hard as it is I'm not sure there is any advice about this aspect of it (i.e. the taking off of his ring). He's told you its over and he seems to be acting consistently with this (although I would not be letting him share your bed).

KittensOnAPlane · 01/04/2015 08:45

sadly its over, and you need to concentrate on moving forward now - try not to dwell on his behaviour now :-(

HellKitty · 01/04/2015 08:52

Stop sharing a bed.
And sorry to say but if he's only taking it off for work then he either has an OW at work or the possibility of one. Get a solicitors appointment and get your ducks in a row.

Letmejustsaythis · 01/04/2015 08:56

I would take yours off too.

shewept · 01/04/2015 09:01

If he is taking his ring off at work, but nowhere else, then I would say there is OW at work or he is interested in someone. Or does he take his ring off everytime he is not with you? If he is only wearing it in front of you it means he has moved on, but wearing it at home to avoid the conversation about why he isn't wearing it.

Also has he always worn it for work? Dh doesn't wear he at work, he is a chef and it gets food caught under it so its not practical. He actually works from home (still food related) now and doesn't wear it when he is recipe developing. But I would assume you had already considered that.

Also how do you know if you haven't seen it?

InfinitySeven · 01/04/2015 09:07

You need to treat this as a whole issue, not just him taking his rings off.

If you'd had a few weeks of discussions, is it fair to say that there is no saving this now? He seems fairly certain that he wants to move on.

His behaviour is consistent with that, and will only become more so. Taking his rings off for work is the first step, but he will eventually stop wearing them altogether, he might already be lining up a new relationship, and he'll start telling people. He'll stop wanting to share your bed, and your life. You need to be prepared for that.

Take your own rings off. Make arrangements for him to sleep elsewhere. Stop making the day-to-day the same, because it's not. You're just letting yourself get stuck behind, whilst he makes new plans. Visit a solicitor and find out where you stand with everything. Tell someone that you can trust, because I'd bet that there is someone at work that he will be sleeping with/having a relationship with shortly - he's probably showing them that he's actually ended it by going into work with his rings off.

Take steps forward. It wil hurt all the more if you stick your head in the sand - It might feel like a solution, but as you've seen, it's not.

Lucylloyd13 · 01/04/2015 09:46

Its over. He has told you. Move on.

DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 10:08

Same as InfinitySeven - Sorry but it sounds as though you are still burying your head in the sand and hoping by saying/doing nothing he will change his mind. I only hope sharing a bed is just that. (are you starting the pick me dance as well?).

You need to start making changes, so far there seems no consequences to his revelation that "it is over". . Start to prepare yourself for separate lives. Start to make plans, make plans for what you want to happen (where you will live, child care etc) and then make contingency plans.

Be prepared he may have emotionally left the marriage a while ago, so his attitude could change to you at any time, once things are not so comfy.

GoatsDoRoam · 01/04/2015 10:12

The rings are a detail. He has told you it is over. You both now need to discuss the bigger things: initiating a divorce, finances, living arrangements, and most of all how you are going to split care of the children.

shovetheholly · 01/04/2015 10:15

I am so sorry, OP. You sound like you are in shock and emotional turmoil. But I think it is over. He is trying to move on, to make a clean break. It is difficult for both parties going through this transition from 'we are unhappy' to 'we need to move on from each other', but it sounds as though he's slightly ahead of you in that shift. He's made his decision, and even though the boundaries have been blurred, he's trying to make a clean break and move on.

I'm afraid you have little choice but to accept this and to start thinking about your position. It is so heartbreaking and sad. I am sorry.

LadyGregory · 01/04/2015 10:19

Agree the ring is a detail. I presume its a symptom of your confusion and distress that you're seemingly hung up on this tiny thing, OP. Or do you actually think he has ended the marriage because of an affair he is conducting at work?

Not that I suppose it matters much in the scheme of things. I'm sorry, OP, but accept the marriage has ended, stop sharing a bed, take legal advice and figure out the logistics of the next step. Look after yourself.

dinoswore · 01/04/2015 10:21

If it's his decision it's over, I'm not sure why he is asking you why you are still sharing a bed and wearing wedding rings. He needs to take the lead on this - he should move out of your bed and if he doesn't want to wear the ring, he should just not wear it all the time, instead of keeping up some charade when you are around.

His choice - his imperative. Sounds like he's faffing around far too much, which is, I think, rather cruel to you. Tell him to make his mind up and ship out of your bed / put the ring away if that's what he wants.

CheersMedea · 01/04/2015 10:59

Hang on. Everyone is jumping to conclusions here.
Two questions:

is this new behaviour or is it possible he has always taken his ring off for work and you have only just noticed?

What is his job? There are some jobs where wearing a wedding ring can be an interference - eg some GPs don't like to wear wedding rings because they don't want anything on their hands when they are examining patients; manual jobs etc where you need to have totally "flat" hands; anything where taking it on and off would be a repeated inconvenience.

CheersMedea · 01/04/2015 11:00

Having said all of that if he's told you "it's pretty much over", worrying about a wedding ring is neither here or there is it?

LadyGregory · 01/04/2015 11:13

I assume that if he'd always taken his ring if for work, the OP would have noticed in ten years of marriage.

I'm also assuming the OP recognises the marriage is over, as there's nothing in what she says to suggest she wants to try to save the relationship...?

CheersMedea · 01/04/2015 11:41

I assume that if he'd always taken his ring if for work, the OP would have noticed in ten years of marriage.

Assumptions are a dangerous thing! It is possible that she wasn't focussing it at all but now it is a sensitive issue, she has just noticed.

You may be right but you may not be.

MrsGPie01252 · 01/04/2015 12:06

I agree that you need to get your ducks in a row.

Firstly I'm sorry. It's devastating when you realise the person you signed up for a lifetime with and build a family with lets you down. Have you tried counselling? If he's unwilling to try his hardest to save his family unit then I would seriously be concerned that he is having an affair. Or is just supremely selfish.

Either way you need to focus on yourself now. Staying strong for the kids. You can't sleep in the same bed with this man. You won't be getting a wink of sleep with all the worry. Believe me. I know from experience. You need to accept the situation now and deal with it. Kick him out of the bed and if possible out of the house as soon as possible. The kids will be better off in a scenario where there isn't a bad atmosphere.

Does he keep his phone on him at all times. Unlike some of the other ladies I would see the ring coming off for work as significant. I agree there may be someone there he has his eye on. You need to focus on yourself and the kids now.

You can bet your arse he's just thinking about himself! Stay strong. Build your future now. Good luck!

Marmaladybird · 01/04/2015 16:44

Let him go, OP. Take him at face value and tell him he needs to leave so you can move on too.

I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if there's someone in the wings though, brace yourself. Someone in the middle of a split, an emotional time, who remembers to take their wedding ring off for work? That whiffs a bit to me...

Nolim · 01/04/2015 16:51

The marriage is over. He is taking his ring off. Sounds consistent.

Do not fixate on this. There are more important things such as getting a solicitor, get housing sorted our and move on.

magoria · 01/04/2015 17:28

Get your ducks lined up and in order.

See a solicitor and start the ball rolling on divorce and whatever you are entitled to.

Ask him to leave the marital bed. He has decided your marriage is over he needs to leave. Preferably the house so that you can have some time to grieve for the loss of your relationship.

No more cooking, cleaning, dry cleaning, ironing, shopping etc. As a single man it is now his responsibility to do all these things for himself.

Definitely no more sex.

Organise what days will he be doing his share of the child care so that you can move on with your life? You also have the right to go out and have a life (you may not want to yet but he doesn't need to know this).

Take off your rings.

Act like your marriage is over and start working on yourself, your DC and your future.

Deal with the practical stuff.

Also please consider an STI test. Just in case there is a reason he is leaving!

It does get easier.

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