Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Proper mess

10 replies

youronlypossession · 01/04/2015 02:17

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Probably just to get it out, because the people I would usually go to with a problem like this are all too close to involve. I'm struggling with my feelings in a way I haven't since I was a teenager, and nearly throw up every time I consider what has happened.

I'm married. Happily, I thought, to the man I have long considered to be my best friend and the love of my life. I don't say that lightly -it's real. We've been together for half of my life, and, along with our children, we're a family.

But, after a LOT of wine I went to bed with my friend. Someone I consider to be a best friend, who I would struggle to do without having in my life. I don't know if it was just a bit of fun for her, and we parted without awkwardness, but for me it was amazing. Every time I close my eyes I see her, and I can't stop thinking about it. I have built it up to the stage where I am thinking about her all the time, and I have proper, teenage crush feelings whenever I hear from her. I feel sick waiting for a response to a text.

But I can't tell her, because it's not fair to her. What we did exists in a sort of limbo, where no one can acknowledge what happened. I KNOW that it's all me. I'm the married one, I'm the one with the feelings I can't confront, but it's killing me. I don't think I want to end my marriage, but would I have done it if I was entirely happy?

We're still chatting as normal. I adore her, and can't imagine a world where she wasn't my friend. My husband knows that we ended up snogging, and has laughed it off.

But in my head it is adultery. I know it is proper adultery, and feel guilty that the responsibility I felt the morning after wasn't to my husband, but was to her.

Judge away. I know I would. It's why I haven't told any of my best friends about this. Ironically the person I would go to with a gut churning issue like this is the person I can't, because I don't want to lay any of this on her.

I don't even know what I want from this post. Someone to listen, I suppose. I don't need advice, because I know that I have to keep it all to myself, because sharing would be even more selfish than I have already been.

OP posts:
Original poster
youronlypossession · 01/04/2015 02:33

I'm not really expecting many responses to this, so posting at this time of night is a good thing. It's just a way of reconciling the most exciting sex I've had for years with the gut churning pain that has come with it. A massive departure from my settled life.

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 01/04/2015 02:44

Well I don't see why you can't discuss it with her, as she'll surely be having many of the same mixed emotions of it. And if it's a friend you see often and share all sorts with then it's going to be a bit difficult and weird to just never mention it.

How do you think you'd be reacting if you'd got drunk and ended up in bed with another man? If you'd be mortified and want to put it down to a stupid, drunken mistake that should never be repeated, no matter how amazing it was, because your marriage and your family are more important to you than an affair based on lust and excitement, then I don't really see what the difference is here. The fact that she's a woman is irrelevant. Or at least it should be. Having the added novelty factor of it being a lesbian experience doesn't give you special dispensation to be unfaithful, or make it less bad.

Have the talk with her. Have it once, in which you will say that it was very enjoyable, but a mistake that should never be repeated. Tell her that neither of you should mention it again.

If you are lucky your friendship will weather this, and come out the other side, but if I'm honest I don't think things will ever be quite the same again. There will be a shift in the atmosphere that may never quite right itself.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 01/04/2015 02:46

Also, sex with someone new is always exciting, especially if it turns out to be great and unusual sex. Don't make more of it than that. Don't turn it into something that has to be your destiny. It doesn't.

Original poster
youronlypossession · 01/04/2015 02:55

Thank you. I KNOW that the fact we're both women doesn't make it any more acceptable, I really do.
We did chat about it, and I was clear that I felt guilty because I'm married. But that's the bit I feel bad about. I can't discuss any of my lingering feelings with her because I don't want to pile a load of shit onto her. It wouldn't be fair.

I'm now having all sorts of feelings about my marriage, and I know I need to ride it out and not do anything rash because it might all be down to a crush. And I know I'm a selfish arsehole.

OP posts:
No1warnedme · 01/04/2015 03:25

I did this a few years before DH and I married. He also believes we just ended up snogging, but was actually really pissed off by it and that is why I didn't reveal that it went further. I am the kind of person who wallows in guilt and it took me a while to stop obsessing over why I had done it (wasn't particularly drunk, just 'high' on lust and feeling desired) considering that, just like you, my DH is my best friend and lover - everything you hope for in a partner. It was cheating, (not my first lesbian experience so I couldn't chalk it up to experimenting) but I knew that my relationship with DH was worth more so consciously decided not to allow my lustful feelings to run away with themselves. After a while they fizzled out and I (and DH) are still friends with the woman in question. However you decide to proceed with your feelings remember that, like pp have said, sex with someone new is always exciting and you will obsess over it, especially as it was 'forbidden' (cheating), and a totally new experience for you. Give yourself some time to consider both relationships and think about what you want in the long term.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2015 03:25

I think you need to see a counselor. You need to work out these feelings and neither the friend nor your DH are the right person to unload on. You need someone unbiased.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 01/04/2015 03:41

Why are you having 'all sorts of feelings' about your marriage? You've already said that you are happily married to your best friend and the love of your life. What's changed about that? He hasn't changed, your relationship hasn't changed, you didn't go looking for this, or deliberately manoeuvre yourself into a position over time where you fantasised and hoped it would happen. Or did you….?

magoria · 01/04/2015 07:11

Well your poor H isn't your best friend or the love of your life is he?

Otherwise you wouldn't have cheated, minimised and lied to him and be considering ending your marriage would you?

pocketsaviour · 01/04/2015 07:14

Threesome?

HeyDuggee · 01/04/2015 07:28

You also need to stop seeing the person you cheated on your husband with... A one night affair is bad enough, but to find out the person isn't a stranger but someone who comes into your home, interacts with your famiy on a daily/weekly basis?

Can't live without your friend? Don't be dramatic, of course you can.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread