Please help

[Figurine]

I'm so sorry this is super long but I don't really know what to do.

I had my dd when I was in my final year of uni. Quite quickly my mil turned into a nightmare, an example of this is she announced at dinner, me and dsil have decided that the baby will go to * primary school because that's where all my children went and then I can pick her up every day. I just sort of played along/was nice about. She took my scan photos off me and wouldn't let me have them back that sort of thing.

When dd was born things were a nightmare. I had a traumatic birth and had said I wanted to wait to get home before too many visitors so the whole family of 6 turned up including the girlfriends and friends I wasn't that pleased but it was an exciting time so just went with it. I was keen to keep up and complete uni which I did but she told my entire family that she was looking after dd while I went to class without even asking first. My mum looked after dd one night when she was about 3 months old so me and dp could go to the cinema and when she heard this dp got texts such as "why is she looking after the baby why not me what Have I done to make you hate me so much". I pointed out to dp that she was in glasgow (we are in ni). Again i let dp deal with it and he just turned his phone off but definitely ruined the film. The same with dds christening, she (mil) told me it was her day and she would organise it all. This was when I said something and told her to take a step back and she told me and my mum that I was mentally ill. She denied she said this after but my mum heard it and after I reminded her that she claimed she was just very concerned about me.

She threw a major huff about this, she claimed I was stopping her having a relationship with her grandchild and she had a right to see dd (at this stage she saw dd 3 times a week) I backed off after this but still took dd to her house every week. Things finally came to a head when her and dfil came to my house and told me to sit down and shut up, that I was a silly little girl and that I had to let them see dd throughout the week including letting dd have sleepovers at least once (she was 6 months old!), they refused to leave, took my phone out of my hands and dmil came at me at which time dfil pushed her away. I was obviously quite upset and when she invited me round during the week because my parents were on holiday I said I'm a bit scared by your behaviour I'd rather wait a week or so for things to settle down. Again I was complained at she said I was being ridiculous. I did see a solicitor at this point but I didn't really want to take it any further it was cause too much heartache. That was the worst of things but there were minor spats where I've been told once/twice a week isn't enough contact etc.

Fast forward and dd is 3 and this has started again in a big way. We were walking down the road to go out for dinner she was holding mil hand when we got near the main road I lifted dd up. The next day dp got texts saying I had snatched dd from her I got quite angry at this and told her that I would lift dd if I wanted to and that if this behaviour is going to start I would be reducing contact to once a month/every fortnight. I felt a bit bad about this so I wrote an email saying I was sorry for how I reacted but what I said stands. She accused me of threatening her, I am again not letting her have a relationship with her granddaughter etc all the same as before. I said I was sorry she felt like that, I've been unsure of her looking after dd after the incident the house but I suggested if she wanted to maybe start by looking after dd downstairs for an hour or 2 while I did some work. She has said that she's not willing to do that I have to let her take dd by herself when it suits her or not at all. I explained I've never wanted to stop her from having a relationship with her granddaughter but that this wouldn't be to the detriment of anyone else's relationship with dd. Everything was fine until last Wednesday when she texted me about buying dd an egg for Easter. I was in class I was in a rush and basically said me and dp couldn't agree on whether dd should get that much chocolate or not so I said it was up to her. She exploded at dp because I'm not letting her spoil her grandchild and that she can't do anything right etc the same stuff from before. She said that dds other grannies would be buying them eggs (my mum and grandmothers).

I lost my temper with this and said I had left it up to her about an egg I appreciate the fact she asked and didn't just get one. Then I explained that the other grannies were getting dd a dressing up costume a small thing of gold coins and one was giving money. I also added that I really didn't feel it was any of her business. I was told "my mistake was asking" so I just said that if this is the behaviour she displays over a stupid Easter egg then it would be best if we didn't see her on Sunday.

This caused the mother of all rows (I am willing to admit I'm not blameless) she forwarded my texts I sent to my mum??? The ones from the incident 4 weeks ago and todays (Who I had already shown) and told my mum that all she wanted to do is be a grandparent and that she was at a loss of what to do with me. My mum doesn't really know what to do I think she's a bit embarrassed and shocked by her really. It has come between me and dp and I have left the house for a few days. On his request I sent a text to mil saying I was sorry for loosing my temper and saying she couldn't see dd on Sunday. He thinks I'm being ridiculous over an egg but I'm trying to explain that it's about her attitude and how she feels her presence in dds life is more important than mine.

Most sad is dd picks up on this as much as I try to hide it and doesn't want to see mil at all. I understand she's a grandmother for the first time it's exciting but using your spare key to take my memory card out of my camera so you can print pictures is beyond grandmother excitement and I really find her overbearing. She won't let dd talk about my mum around her or she throws a strop or I have to hide from her that we spent 1 more hour at my mums than we did at here on Christmas- she asks for a time of arrival and a time of departure so that both are completely equal or she gets more.

I really don't want to get solicitors involved but I don't really know what to do I've tried backing off contact like this week when she behaves like this but she just plays the victim and claims I'm stopping her having a relationship with her granddaughter and guilts me into saying sorry. She will sit and say things like you're nasty and manipulative and then expect me to apologise. What should I do? I just really don't know what to do anymore and it's deeply effecting my relationship with dp as I don't want him to be stuck in the middle but I can't deal with her. Am I right to back off on contact? I don't want dd to miss out on time with dps family but I feel that it's so exhausting and stressful that it ruins all the time we have at the weekends for me, dd and dp. We have just bought our first home together, 2 weeks ago and it's not the happy time that I thought it would be.

Thanks

Your in-laws are controlling and abusive and I would NOT let my child expose to them whatsoever. Being a Grandparent is a privilege, not a right.

And get cut her off completely. They are trying to take your child away from you by calling you mentally ill and such things like that. Hopefully your DP will be on board.

Thank you blueberry my gut instinct definitely tells me to run sadly dp isn't on board though which is a big part of why I keep up the contact. I felt that with the mentally ill comment too and the texts she forwarded to my mum were screenshots that she has obviously wanted to keep.

I have been keeping a diary of the things she's done as well as all her texts and emails she has sent so hopefully that will help to show what she's like.

Then listen to your instinct. Your child does not need to be in this abusive relationship.

As others have wisely said, you don't have a MiL problem, you have a DP problem. It's his mother and he should back you up as long as you aren't being completely unreasonable. And I don't think you are. It may be that tempers have gotten frayed and words have been said that you regret, but the underlying issues are still there.

Unfortunately, if your DP won't come down on your side, you're fighting a losing battle as long as you and your DP are together.

If I were you I'd just tell your mother that the best thing she can do is tell your MiL that she refuses to get involved.

And i think your child feel abused. That's why she doesn't want to see grandma.

Isn't there a tv programme similar to this called The Little House or similar name?
Finish your uni course and get a job no matter what else you do. The way forward here is your financial independance.

And keep a SECRET diary about everything everyone does that is not in your interests.

Best wishes to you.

Sounds like she is trying to get informations out of your mom to use against you. She'll stop texting and calling if your mom do not response to her.

Maybe you should take a step back and say you can't be doing with all this stress and tell your dp that he can't arrange visits and whatnot with your daughter, he can take her over to see them himself and you don't have to go. Day you want to be kept out of it while she's being so unreasonable and controlling.
If she asks for arrival times and leaving times when you've been to see your mom with your daughter don't tell her! Just say what does that matter, your having time with her now and it's my business how long I see my own mother for!
Whiles she's being like this I'd tell her that you don't want contact until she can start acting like a normal person and that your do with take her to see them once a week or whatever's arranged with him. Sure she'll moan and bitch, but just say that's all she's going to get while she's acting the way she is and talking to you so badly and just cut contact and let dp deal with his over bearing mother.

Her daughter should not go see them at all. Even with her DP alone. Unless it will be a supervised visit

Thanks everyone for the advice I think I maybe need to have a word with dp. Certainly the controlling behaviour she shows over dd she exerts over dp. For example he is 25 and up until quite recently she would insist he sit down and go through his bank accounts with her. I think I might do as was suggested and tell my mum to just say she isn't getting involved and cut down the contact then just leave mil to mull things over for a week or 2 and let her come to me. Some of the times this has happened before she's admitted she's been in a bad mood and been looking for a fight but then it backfires completely. Certainly though her behaviour has become more difficult over the last 3 months or so. She fights with other people a lot too, her sil, her bil, her neighbour, plumber etc so maybe it's just the way she is.

A lot of this seems to be because she feels like I don't let her have a relationship with dd but I have asked her to tell me how that's the case and she replies with a standard grandparents are an added dimension to anyone's life and I just want what's best for my granddaughter.

She sounds just awful and I agree with others, certainly abusive. She has no blooming rights at all and I would be very wary at letting my child anywhere near her. I most certainly would not be letting her have DD alone without any supervision.

If your DP does take DD over there how do you know he won't be manipulated and your MIL will still take DD somewhere alone. The in laws both sound utterly toxic and very scary - I would def see a solicitor and take it further. And write down a full record of everything they have done. You really do need DP on board - if he isn't then long term this could cause a huge rift in your relationship with him. You need a serious talk with him to lay down exactly what is going on here. I am guessing his childhood was pretty awful so perhaps this behaviour is his 'normal' - not that that makes it right.

I think your biggest problem is actually your partner. He should back you up, not telling you to send her texts apologizing for something you don't need to apologize for!

Get your DP on board too. If he can't see what vile people his parents are, then he shouldn't be in your life either. As PP's have said, this is not 'normal' behaviour, but he probably has a warped perception of what normal is if he's been brought up by them. They are emotionally abusing you, manipulating you and goodness know what else.

Well done for standing up to her, don't you dare apologise for this. You are very much in the right and you cannot not let them carry on like this- how long will it be before they start manipulating DD against you?

It is up to you to decipher what is in your dd and your best interest as your dp has obviously already been conditioned.

You are more than within your rights to no longer see someone that is so controlling. Pandering to controlling people to keep the peace doesn't work, it just gives them the results they want.

If she wants to see your dd, your dh can take her over.

Living with people like this is so draining on your life. Cutting them out is like a huge weight being lifted of your shoulders.

With people like his mother and father, the only way forward is to go no contact with them. You will likely need to involve a Solicitor as these people do not give up their power and control and will continue their unwanted contact.

If they cannot behave at all respectfully to you they do not get to see any of you. Behaviour like this should never be at all rewarded.

I note that your DD does not want to see her nan and therefore you should protect her therefore from these malign influences like his parents.

If your man cannot or will not step up to the plate with regards to his parents then you are going to have to. He will likely not want to act anyway because this is his version of "normal", wants a quiet life and does not want to rock the boat. He is still likely to be very afraid of his parents and still seeks their approval so he is in many ways spineless when it comes to them. He may likely not change his stance on his parents either.

Having DP not on board anyway was no reason at all actually to maintain contact, I hope you realise that now.

I'm [shocked] at your last post! His mother going over his bank statements with him? That's preposterous unless he has a severe inability to control his spending. And even then, it should be you, his partner, who is involved!

Again, if your DP isn't on board with you on the issues surrounding dd and his mother's treatment of you, then he's working against you. This isn't a situation in which he should be allowed to 'run with the hares and hunt with the hounds'. If this was a situation in which you and MiL just generally didn't get along, then I'd say fine, let him take dd to visit. But it's not that simple. His mother is trying to co-opt your authority as the child's mother. She wants to make the decisions and be able to have dd whenever she snaps her fingers. By letting him take her without you, it's basically allowing that to happen. In essence, it's you saying "OK, I'll step aside and let you have her without me. I give in".

You and DP need to have a long, hard, honest talk.

"took my phone out of my hands and dmil came at me at which time dfil pushed her away" This is why I do not think even DP should take her to see them. They are aggressive.

And then this:

"She won't let dd talk about my mum around her or she throws a strop" That's abusive to a little girl. This poor little girl has to walk on eggshells.

Please don't let you DD anywhere near this bonkers woman except under your own strict supervision (not your DP I'm afraid as he has obviously been raised to normalise her abusive behaviour.)

You may find the book "Toxic In Laws" by Susan Forward of some help in getting your DP on side.

Thank you so much everyone. Sadly dps not on board at all I'm just expected to let him take dd down by himself every Sunday. Apparently I am displaying threatening behaviour by saying I won't let mil see dd. I've made an appointment with my solicitor for next week so maybe she will shed some light on what I can do in legal terms

GP's do not have automatic rights to see their grandchildren. As the father to your DD, your DP can take her to see them without you. I am sorry he isn't supporting you.

Your in laws sound horrible and actually abusive. Reading your posts it sounds very much like your MIL may have mental health issues or be narcissistic. If this is true then whatever you do it will not be good enough.

I would stop all contact with her. If she sends messages/emails to either yourself or your mother then I would keep them and not respond. Also, if your FIL/MIL become physically abusive then I would call the police.

Now I am the one to stand up for mil due to overprotective mothers, but you really do have a nightmare mil!

The problem here is your partner. He is not standing up for you and is allowing his mother to treat you poorly. You need have a serious talk with him and threaten to end the relationship if he doesn't start standing by your side. If he refuses and still sides with his mother...well, do you really want do this for the next countless amount of years. They could even start to poison your daughter against you once she gets a bit older, do you want that? The mil would love it if you were not involved at all

If your weak she pounce on you. Good luck.

I'm confused. You said someone lives in Glasgow and someone in Northern Ireland??

You had your dd in your final year at uni but your mil text you while in class but your dd is three now??

That aside, you do not need legal advice.

You are under no obligation to let mil have access to your daughter. Non at all.

However how are you going to convince your husband of the same?

Other than that this family sound absolutely bonkers. It's ridiculous.

Why is your husband not supporting you?

I'd move away from her if I were you
She is a controlling narcissist