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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

After 5 years he doesn't know what he wants?

20 replies

Glittergirl123 · 31/03/2015 22:07

Hi there, this is my first post so I'm sorry if I don't explain well or go on to long! I'll try to keep it short while explaining as much as I can!

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years since our late teens/early 20's and we do not live together .
A few weeks ago he texted me to tell me he thinks we shouldn't be together anymore as he has been forcing himself to be with me! He said he has thought about the future and doesn't think I'm the one he wants to marry me and thinks living with me would horrible!
I spent several days with him before this and we were fine!
Since then I've received texts and phone calls telling me he doesn't know if he means it, (he's under a lot of work stress) and that he's too stressed out to have a relationship and needs space and time to think.
I haven't actually seen him since all this as I think it would make it harder to move on.
He's tried to text me and have cute conversations as normal and said he loves me and misses me , wants to be friends but also needs time to think, he's told me there's no one else .

A bit of backround , the last few months had been ok.. I had actually been letting a lot of slide because I knew he had a lot on at work and tried to be supportive.
I had noticed he never said I love you, never complimented me and was never very affectionate. When we went out together he would mostly sit on his phone.
I have blocked him from all social media and deleted his numbers , I know that things can never go back to normal and I would never trust him again so I am not thinking of going to back to him but I was just looking for some advice about what might be going on?

I have friends and family who have been very supportive and encouraged me to move on and not look back.

I'm sorry for how long and many thanks to anyone who reads and replies :)

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 31/03/2015 22:11

Sorry to say but your relationship with this man is over, don't allow yourself to be messed around by him and call it a day. His actions are clear, he doesn't want to marry you and has now wobbled on that as he will be on his own...

pocketsaviour · 31/03/2015 22:13

I would take it at face value that he's decided he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you, and he's done the decent thing and told you rather than stringing you along til he gets someone else.

Then he's had a bit of a wobble and thought "damn I'm on my own now" - huge generalisation I know, but men seem to find this much harder than women. So he's tried to keep his options open with you, which is highly unfair.

Sounds like you've done exactly the right thing in blocking him and moving on.

MangoJuggler · 31/03/2015 22:14

What might be going on is that he has inadvertently helped you to swerve a bullet.

You really can't know what is truly going on in someone's head, so do try to avoid analysing the what ifs and the but but buts.

Well done for blocking/deleting and a massive thumbs up to you for keeping up your support network that has now been swung into action.

Onwards and upwards.

Bedsheets4knickers · 31/03/2015 22:15

Glitter can I ask how old you are. I'm a great believer in fate , so I would go out live your life without him . He's aloud to be honest with you and I think he's been fair to tell you how he's feeling. Theirs a whole world out there go get it x

SanityClause · 31/03/2015 22:16

It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

Be very careful of the cute conversations and wanting to be friends, though.

He has asked for time to think. He should also give you that courtesy.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 22:16

It sounds like you got together quite young, had a pleasant relationship but he doesn't want to marry you/have children with you. Unfortunately, he's making rather a mess of breaking up with you because he is probably fond of you, and you are comfortable and familiar, and he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
It might not feel like it, but he's done you a favour in breaking up before you married and started wanting children. A lot of people in his/your position do go on to marry because, well, the relationship's OK and getting married to someone who is 'OK' is what people do. It's what I call an inertia relationship - because there is a lot of cultural pressure to not be single and to perform heterosexual monogamy, people tend to stick with a partner who is a perfectly nice person but who doesn't actually thrill them that much - and then it all goes horribly wrong a few years down the line when you have children together and a shared mortgage. Either one partner falls madly in love with another person, or one partner discovers something that is more important to him/her than the relationship (a career development, a campaign, a time-consuming hobby). Or you reallise that one of you really wants children and the other really doesn't...

You're still fairly young. Now is the time to find out what you want from life, other than a relationship. Because a relationship is nice but not what your whole life should focus on.

Cherryapple1 · 31/03/2015 22:16

Do you think he had someone else, or his eye on someone - then that didn't work so he comes crawling back? That's what it looks like to me. Keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

I think you are quite right to block him and not respond. You deserve way better than what he is offering you.

Seriouslyffs · 31/03/2015 22:17

You're in your early / mid 20s no ties, you're doing the right thing, moving on and blocking him.

Don't waste your energies trying to understand him.

DuelingFanjo · 31/03/2015 22:20

Sounds to me like you are incredibly strong and have done all the right things. Now he's regretting it because hendisn't expect you to react like you did.

Run and don't look back.

GoatsDoRoam · 31/03/2015 22:20

You are so wise to have blocked him and sought support from your loved ones. Good thinking ; keep taking care of yourself this way.

What's going on is that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you, so he is backing out. Clumsily and messily. Some people make cleaner exits than others. You don't need to be messed about while he gets his act together, so again, well done on cutting contact. It is the best thing you could possibly do in the circumstances.

Original poster

Glittergirl123 · 31/03/2015 22:35

Thank you all for replying , it helps to hear people saying I am making the right choice it does make me feel stronger! I know I need to move on but I think it'll be very hard. Bedsheets I am 24 :)

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 22:43

In 10 years time you will look back on this with fond gratitude - he bodged it a bit but he let you go; you had some fun together but then you had more fun apart. You are 24, with plenty of time to find out who you are and what you want out of life. Settling for the first serious boyfriend is generally a big mistake for a woman as it shuts down your options so fast, at a time when the whole world is wide open to you, or should be.
If most of your friends are already tying themselves into mortgages and marriages, look for some more interesting ones. If your current job isn't much fun, have a think about what you would really like to do. And if the things you really want to do are not things you would earn much doing, look into jobs that give the most money for the fewest hours so you can do the things you love.
Good luck.

championnibbler · 31/03/2015 23:00

Move on.
Don't ever lower yourself to go back to him.

zigazigah01 · 31/03/2015 23:04

Yeah, don't spend any more time on this guy. I spent 12 years with someone completely ambivalent to me. I wish he'd dumped me at 24 and not at 33!

Not that it will make it any easier at the moment, but please don't spend any more time on someone who has no intention of making a commitment to you.

meandjulio · 31/03/2015 23:08

Another one who is now grateful to the guy who dumped me at 24 because he just didn't want to be with me enough (I was outraged at the time )

Unfortunately I reacted with much less maturity than you and rushed into marriage with the first serious prospect I met after him. Enjoy exploring this new phase in your life.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 23:14

He might be panicking now, but there's no confusion here for you.

Good luck with your new singledom

Jackw · 31/03/2015 23:35

How cowardly to dump a girlfriend of 5 years by text. And cruel to mess you about with the follow up mixed messages. I think he is behaving badly but you are reacting with strength and dignity. We've all been through this and it is horribly painful but it will get better with time, I promise.

Ava7Susan · 14/08/2017 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 05:58

He has zero to offer you and he's a spineless prick for playing such pathetic mind games. You deserve much better and you are SO YOUNG. Don't waste another second of your life in this idiot.

CoteDAzur · 14/08/2017 06:39

Zombie thread.

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