Self-fulfilling prophecy or genuine problem?

[thisisnotokay12]

Been with DP for 3 years, and due to a recent problem with one of our jobs (won't go into detail for fear of outing myself), I have become worried about DP leaving me (essentially the job problem caused stress that we have now overcome). He says he loves me when I ask him, but he is so distant and indifferent compared with what he was like in the past. He doesn't speak to me as much and seems irritated if I ask him if he cares. I don't know what I have done for him to behave like this, and as a result, I question it, which seems to make it worse and it has become a vicious cycle. He constantly tells me I need to be positive. I realise an attractive woman isn't one who comes across as so desperate, but the more he seems to not give a shit, the more I feel like I need the reassurance. Am I making this worse and creating this crappy situation myself?

So you've been through a lot of stress lately and your DP has distanced himself? Maybe he's still stressed but is not telling you? Either way, you need to get him to talk so you can find out what's going on in his head.

In the meantime you need to try and calm down a bit and stop taking things personally. Find out what the problem is and take it from there. I know it's not easy but you must be strong.

How did a work problem lead to this?

Anyway, you know the answer. Focus on YOURSELF. Make your own life as good as it can be and give that all your attention for the time being. The more you ask, "Are you ok? Are WE ok? Do you love me?" etc, the less attractive you'll seem because it'll look like all you have in your life is your DP. That's unappealing to anyone.

Right this minute, instead of moping around starting threads about this, grab a diary and list 10 things you want to do for you. Crazy fun ambitions, from small (sending a parcel of brownies to your best friend, planting a rose bush by your front door, dyeing your hair blonde, reorganising your wardrobe) through to huge (visiting Las Vegas, publishing short stories, going on TV, starting your own YouTube channel), etc. then pick one and list 10 steps you can take towards it this week. Then do the first step.

Every time your thoughts stray towards wondering if your DP cares about you, DRAG them back towards focussing on your own ambitions. Do that for as long as you need to start feeling great about yourself again.

Just to second what What'sGoingOn said. I know its really hard and you want to be able to rely on him for support, but the only way to take control of this situation is to shift the focus back onto you.

I've been through this cycle countless times -- the more you push someone to give emotionally, the more they will withdraw. If you can draw it from within yourself you will become genuinely confident and genuinely attractive. And if he doesn't respond, he's not the right person for you.

Try all of the above (or whatever it is that floats your boat). And if necessary, get some counselling. But it can only come from within you.

I agree.

Personally, I think someone who constantly tells you "you need to be positive" is an emotional drain and not a person who's good for your life. Be that as it may, you've been through some shit so maybe forget about bigger pictures for a while, and start painting your own picture!

Part of this is is respecting his right to feel and act as he chooses. He is not your problem for now. You've better stuff to be getting on with. Treat yourself like a goddess :)

For what it's worth, I'm currently doing this in my own relationship, to a smaller degree. Things with DP are great, we get married this summer, but since we moved in together late last year, I noticed I'd turned into a needy mess. I was all clingy, he cooled off, and I HATED it because he'd always been the mushiest out of us.

So I'm actively dragging my attention onto my own life, deliberately. I'm making plans with my friends (even though all I want to do is stay in with him), I've got a part-time job (for more money and to meet new friends), and I'm FORCING myself to take notice of the huge world outside my window.

It's hard to start, but it gathers momentum realllllly quickly. Soon, you're the one doing the fun things, and they're the one coming to find you. It puts things back into balance.