NC as my OH knows I come on here and don't want to out myself... can't work out how to NC, sod it
This WILL be an essay - sorry
Before anyone says DTB - he is an absolutely lovely partner and has handled the situation in a manner I am almost happy with. We have similar hobbies, the same ethos on life, both want to be SAHPs and raise children as a family whilst both working part time. I just need to get this off my chest.
The backstory is that we have been together nearly 2 years, are engaged and are trying for a baby (we are planning on getting married at home in a quiet ceremony in September). We have a healthy relationship, we argue occasionally but mostly talk about any issues that are bothering either of us.
So he has 3 problem exes... I will describe them a bit first - ex number 1 he was living with for 10 years. They met after he split up with his ex wife and she had 3 children to her previous husband who were living with them on and off (she had periods where she would send them to live with their dad whilst she persued her career) but no children with him. Then came ex number 2. He met her a couple of years after splitting from ex number 1 and was with her for about 6-7 months - she had no children previously and none with him. Finally ex number 3 - he was with her, again for about 6 months. she had 3 children of her own but none with him. He has no children from previous relationships.
The first 'ex' issues came with ex number 1. She had interfered with his previous relationships but they had stayed friends as he was a sort of father figure to her children (the youngest was 4 when they met). She would hound him and hound him but tried to stay civil for the sake of the children. She then started harrassing me and we had a talk about what needed to be done. By this point the youngest was nearly 16 and able to make her own decisions. We both sat and had a chat with her and said that we would be cutting all contact with her mum. We explained that we were happy for her to still come and visit (she had been coming round occasionally for tea and to pet my horses and also see the dog who used to be her pet) and that she would always be welcome but any contact would have to be direct with her, not her mum, once she was 16. She is happy with this and we cut all ties with his ex - changed numbers, blocked facebook, even moved house. Yes she was that bad :( You'd think he'd learn...
Then we had issues with ex number 3. She had been going through a rough divorce and had found out her ex husband had been abusing his youngest daughter. OH is a solicitor so stayed in touch to offer legal support (he wasn't her solicitor but could tell her if things were progressing as they should). She seemed like a lovely lady and I felt quite sorry for her. We became friends on facebook and chatted - she often suggested meeting up for coffee or drinks but I wasn't sure that was a good idea. I didn't dislike her but we had no common interests - my life exclusively revolves around horses, the outdoors and mud, she is more of a ladies-who-lunch-and-have-manicures sort. I'm not saying this is a bad thing - just not me in my mind nailvarnish is there so you can't see the mud.
Anyway we carried on chatting and she started dropping hints that her and my OH had chat/met etc - sometimes I knew, sometimes I didn't. It bothered me that she needed to tell me this - almost like she was seeing just how much he told me. Then it escalated to her telling me things he had allegedly said about me. This started to bother me as some of the things weren't very nice and at this point I started to distance myself from her. But she was still in contact with OH - a lot! It started to get intrusive - she would text late at night and if he didn't reply, text asking why and if he still didn't reply she would phone, often waking us up! One night after 4 texts and 2 missed calls I answered and shouted down the phone 'Fuck off we're having sex!'. OH wasn't happy as it was rude but it was the bloody truth... At that point I told him I wasn't happy with how much her contact was interfering with out own life. I asked why she needed to text/phone every day? Why every crisis he had to rescue her? you get the picture! I told him that he needed to tell her to back off - and he did. She stopped being so intrusive and all seemed good.
Until I was looking through the pictures on his phone - I was looking for some nice pictures as his horse had just died and found two pictures of her. One of her in a leather gimp mask and one in a bustier and thick high patent boots. I admit at this point I saw red and exploded. I challenged her first and asked her what the hell she though she was doing. Her response was that she had bought the outfit for her new boyfriend and wanted to ask his opinion. I told her it was inappropriate and that I was not happy with it and would be telling OH this. Her response was that in Germany people are more forthright in their sexuality and called me uptight and frigid (which makes me laugh as I am actually a bit of a perve...). She said she didn't have any female friends to show - I told her that her behaviour is exactly the reason why she has no female friends. I'm ashamed to say with him I layed down the law. He accused me of snooping - my response was I didn't really care what he though I was doing and why hadn't he told her it was inappropriate? I said her behaviour wasn't that of a friend, it was one of someone who was manipulative and sly. I told him that I wasn't going to ban him seeing her (I genuinely believe that there was nothing going on) but he needed to think about why she was acting why she was and decide what to do from there. He blocked her on FB and blocked her on his mobile. We have heard nothing of her since - we are now 14 months on NC.
And so we get to the present and ex number 2!
She comes between exes 1 and 3 obviously and it has been 4 years since they were together! I have met all of my OH's female friends apart from this one. I didn't actually know they had been dating at first, I only found out in passing and got the impression that it was a short term thing and they just went their own ways. This is his only friend who has not added me on FB (I can hear you groan...) and I wasn't bothered by this as they aren't particularly close, don't socialise with his other friends and have never met her out in a group situation - I just assumed she was a FB friend...
She's been having a rough time - she did a degree that is highly specialised with only a few jobs advertised around the country. Unfortunately they keep rejecting her as she only has a 3rd class degree and in all fairness the jobs are that rare they can take the cream of the crop. As a result she is doing 3 part time jobs to make ends meet :( OH has told me of jobs that she has applied for that her degree would get her a job but even these she is being rejected for. The jobs are in my type of field of work and as I have been an interviewer I offered to help her write her CV and coach her on interview technique. Although I am not a friend of hers I have been nice, as I would for any of his friends...
Well this week has been awful as we have miscarried our first child (very much planned and wanted). I was a bit of an idiot got a bit excited and told people a little soon and miscarried at 11 weeks. It was a failed miscarriage so had to have a MMC which was horrific and took two attempts and 72 hours. All my friends and family were so supportive and I had lots of posts to my FB wall offering sympathy and I posted how I was so grateful to everyone and my OH for all of their support.
On day 2 of my 3 days of hell she sent me a message - it was so spiteful :(
lots of generic waffle about FB status updates 'So if it is aimed at me I'd rather you put my name in... I don't know you but I have known X a while now and I will continue to be his friend and I'm sorry if you feel threatened by this in any way'
I was going to ignore it but my screen is temperamental fucked on my phone and it accidentally sent a big thumbs up sign... I told OH who was right next to me and told him that as it might come across as a bit patronising I would reply. He was Ok with this and I told him what I had put
'I'm not sure where that message came from... It is however hugely inappropriate. We lost our baby two days ago and are both distraught. This message is not very kind :('
I hoped that she would have a little sensitivity and back off but no...
'Bit strange how I put comments on anything of X and you are right behind commenting. lots of garbled shite about FB statuses Anyway as I've said I don't know you but to be honest I don't like you from what I have seen... You can show X what I've put... so you will probably be telling him he can't be friends with me now'
My reponse was
'Ex - I cannot see your FB page. Why would I tell X he can't be your friend? I have male friends and wouldn't be impressed if he said that to me. I have no reason to feel threatened - I am not sure why you think that I would. I don't find your tone very pleasant, you have no reason to be like that, I have been nothing but nice to you. As X has suggested I am blocking you'
Before I could block her she blocked me, but not before sending 'he deserves so much better...'
X's phone was in the house charging and when we went in (we were in the garden/stables) 4 hours later there was a torrent of abuse about how I am 'toxic' about how he deserves better than me and how 'It is about time I put her in her place'.
You can imagine my response to this - I wasn't exactly rational, I was still bleeding from the miscarriage and distraught. His response was 'Well I guess I'm going to have to lose another friend now?'. I asked him how on earth he considered someone like that a friend. Someone who had no respect for his or his partners feelings and who would be so vile when a fellow woman was going through such an awful time. He was angry that I had called him out on it but he phoned her in front of me and told her that he was in a relationship with me, didn't need her validation or approval and didn't care if she didn't like me. I could hear her saying really cruel things about me (where she got them from I don't know) to which he kept saying that it was her opinion but he didn't agree with her.
He spoke to her like she was a child and I almost felt bad for her nah I didn't really. It's been 2 days and we have heard nothing since. I hate this situation - it is another friend that he will lose because she has a bee in her bonnet about me. I will never say they can't be friends but I have said that I never want to be put in the situation where we are in the same room and I will never be friends with her.
But here is the thing - I don't want him to be friends with her. She's nasty, spiteful and quite frankly a fruit cake. I commented that she hadn't apologised for her behaviour - he asked me if I was being serious. Actually I was... Am I being unreasonable expecting her to apologise for her behaviour? Do I push this? If they are to continue being friends, I want her to see she was bloody out of order and I don't think she even recognises this :(
I've said to him that it is quite clear that she hasn't moved on from the relationship even after 4 years and that being friends with her actually isn't kind as it is stopping her moving on and almost rubbing her nose in it that he is happy.