Need some hand holding to help me walk away

[feelsosad1971]

Im a regular lurker on here but have changed my name because I feel like a complete idiot .

met a guy a couple of years ago on a dating site after my marraige ended due to his affair-I had been on my own for 2 years and felt the time was right to dip my toe in the dating scene.XH treated me very badly and it took a long time to build up my self esteem again. The guy I met is nearly 50 (I am 43) and had also come out of a marraige where his wife left him, we had a lot in common and hit it off.

It has never really been particularly passionate and quite often I have felt more like a friend than a girlfriend, he never made any particuar attempt to get to know my children but I put this down to him being cautious as he had no children himself.

He would only see me on sheduled occasions-basically when my children went to my exs and last summer when I started asking where the relationship was going, he suddenly out of the blue ended it.

A week later he came back all apologies and said he was confused etc.I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I knew his divorce was proving problematic and was causing a lot of stress.

A week after we got back together he had a sudden two week lull in between starting a new job and completely astonished me by booking a last minute week long holiday in the sun, just for him.

His best friend and his wife seemed very shocked at his behaviour and were very surprised he didnt ask me along, it didnt surprise me as this would be the second holiday abroad he had taken without me.

When he came back, he seemed very into our relationship, and everyone commented on the change in him, however it didnt last long, before he ws back to normal, barely contacting me in between dates, just casual and quite formal text messages. The irony is that he lives in the same town as me just a stones throw from my house and could call in whenever he liked
A week ago I finally challenged him about our relationship as I realised that we simply hadnt got past dating, almost two years in.His reply was that he loved me a lot but he didnt want to come round all the time as he had lots to do in his house! He subsequently admitted that he didnt see himself living with me and my children.
I was upset yet he didnt seem to understand why, I pointed out to him that I felt like nothing more than a companion for him on the nights he had nothing to do, he said it wasnt like that and didnt understand why I cant be happy with the status quo.

I feel quite gutted as everything I hoped for from this relationship seems to have gone out of the window, I have been nothing more than a casual thing.

My mother said the reality is that hes not madly in love with me and just wanted a casual easy girlfriend arrangement, but my friends say give him time.

We have been together almost two years and he says tat, he doesnt know what he wants, he would like to think we may live together..one day..it is all so vague, I pointed out that Im not looking for living togetehr right now but feel we should at least be discussing a future, his response is to just mumble vagely.

I had a text from today saying he hoped we wouldnt break up as he would miss me, and he has now texted me all day saying Im the love of his life, blah blah etc.I just dont believe him.

I know that I need to kick him into the kerb and walk away, but I need the courage to do so..right now

[CarbeDiem]

CarbeDiem-I know I deserve so much more, I found myself thinking that maybe this was as good as I will get

Oh feelso I hate this bastard on your behalf for making you feel that way :(
Feeling lonely while IN a relationship is the pits and so depressing.
Of course he's tried to turn this into your fault - I wouldn't expect anything else from a delusional user. Ignore him. You know the truth, you know you did try to fix things (for far longer than he deserved imo). You really haven't failed, please believe that.
Concentrate on yourself and when you feel stronger do try to find something to do to interact with other adults.
Take care x

[feelsosad1971]

Thanks anyfucker and Carbediem. I believe his marriage broke down for similar reasons.I'm trying to keep busy todaytoday.ebaying things inc some of the things he bought me because I have no desire to keep them

[TheBakeryQueen]

Well done! It takes strength to do what you just did.

Try & find the positives in evenings in alone. I'm a single parent too. I love the time to myself, when boys in bed, to relax, enjoy the peace, have complete control over the telly .

It was hard at first, but it's so empowering when you realise that actually you are quite happy with your own company & don't need a relationship.

It does help to have friends though so if all yours are married & not empathetic to your situation, it is wise to try some new social settings to make some.

Meanwhile you can chat on here if you feel lonely.

[feelsosad1971]

Thanks Bakery Queen..I was on my own for two years after H and I split and the novelty of time alone wore off..guess I just need to get used to it again
It hasn't helped that my friends are all married. The one single friend in the group recently met someone so none of us see her anymore

[feelsosad1971]

well I have just phoned one of my married friends and been told by her husband that they all went out for a meal as couples last week.and I wasnt invited, time to look for some new friends I think.

[AnyFucker]

I just want something for me

well, he was substandard

hold out for something better x

[TheBakeryQueen]

Take each day as it comes. Try & plan nice things for yourself. A good book or film if you're stuck in.

[feelsosad1971]

Im trying to get motivated to do stuff..I feel so sad today,I think I was more upset over my mates doing what they did, that really hurt.

[feelsosad1971]

Thank you..I need to work on loving myself again I think..easy almost there then met this guy and has slowly eroded my self esteem again

[fluffapuss]

Hello Feel

You had both ended long relationships

Think of it as a stepping stone

You did the right thing to end it

Enjoy quality time with family & friends

Enjoy some time on your own

Good luck

[feelsosad1971]

Thanks everyone I'm trying to see it for what it was..and not wasted time but rather a stepping stone as you say.Am filling Easter weekend with things to do and planning on catching up with other friends.

[feelsosad1971]

I just thought I would update that he continued to contact me despite me asking him to leave me alone and seemed to swing between acting as though nothing had happened to behaving as if I was a monster..then he asked if he coulld take me away for the weekend, I agreed because I was a stupid weak idiot! We went away, he was all over me, telling me he loved me and wanted a future. Then we got back and he barely contacted me.I finally confronted him a week later and he got nasty with me saying I was being horrible and as a result it had made him stop loving me.he then cut me out completely saying he didnt want to see me again..but a few days later started texting, it suddenly dawned on me that he is a classic narcissist and Ill wager he did the same with his wife.
I have blocked his number and gone NC, its very difficult, but I realise the man I was pining for was someone who never existed, it was an act, he used to say dreadful things about his ex and told me that HE was too good for HER!, yet admitted that if she hadnt left him, he would have stayed with her for ever. I cannot believe that I did not see through him and although Ive cried a lot, its more at my own stupidity than over him. I feel I had a lucky escape.
I have no desire to be another relationship, but dont understand how I missed the very obvious red flags so early on..

[CarbeDiem]

Well done for finally seeing him for what he is.
It is difficult but you've done it now so stop blaming yourself for anything - he chose to treat you this way, he is a wanker. You've nothing to feel stupid about.
Feel proud and relieved instead please.

[feelsosad1971]

oh god yes, I feel so relieved,I could have ended up living with him

[Allofaflumble]

Well done you! I went through similar but took a lot longer to wake up to the reality!

At first I was exhilerated. Then sad. Then so angry. Mostly at myself.

FF a year and I love being single. I hated that feeling of knowing deep down it was a waste but too scared to really face it.

[feelsosad1971]

Thanks Truth and Fumble-I have plenty at the moment to keep me busy, I realise I felt unhappy the whole time from quite early on as he played with my feelings constantly blowing hot and cold, it was exhausting.
I daresay he will be quite confused by my NC now as hes so arrogant he probably expects me to plead with him to come back.

[feelsosad1971]

I think they dont want to burn their bridges!

[AnyFucker]

Oh dear. He was pissed off that you ended the relationship in April so decided to see if he could reel you back in and then make sure he was the dumper this time. Some people just cannot stand to not be in control. And you fell for it .

Well, you obviously weren't ready to fully let him go the first time. Let's hope you have got the true measure of the man now.

If he comes sniffing back around when he fancies a bit more sport/more blowjobs ???

[feelsosad1971]

AnyFucker you hit the nail on the head, I thought that too, he just wanted to be the one that ended it and yep I did fall for it, however, he texted yesterday asking if he could come round. I ignored it.

[AnyFucker]

Carry on ignoring it.

[feelsosad1971]

Plan on doing so