I've been trying really hard not to post, but just now need to rant.
I'm not great at taking my medication (and can be noticed by my husband and mum, as I get so irritable). I hate taking them though. I lost a lot of weight a few years ago (coinciding with a 'manic' period funnily enough), then gradually started regaining last year (coinciding with a very down period).
I was prescribed lithium, which actually worked really well, but a GP mentioned that lots of people put on a lot of weight (which I didn't funnily enough), so it sowed seeds of doubt in my mind.
I was prescribed lamotrigine, which I thought was working well, but then stopped the lithium (worried about weight). On it's own the lamotrigine isn't working - I am more irritable with it, than if taking nothing. My mood has fallen again, and I've put a couple of stone in a month (yes really)!!!
I was exercising until a couple of months ago, but have stopped, and find no motivation in anything... just moving is a struggle.
What is making all this worse is that I feel invisible, and unlikeable.
It all just made sense a few minutes ago. My sister rang me, then went on about the Germanwings co-pilot. Saying he couldn't have been depressed as she suffers from depression.
Thing is my mum is always telling me about my sister's 'depression'. One in which she still loves life (as she just told me two minutes ago), but life doesn't like her??? She manages to go out happily in the evening, but gets frustrated is fair to say with things.
She mentioned the pilot's breathing was normal, yet when she's depressed her breathing increases - I pointed out if this was the case it was more likely she was anxious...
I know this doesn't make sense, but it's the fact that she'd discounted the fact that I have bipolar, and it was all about her, it always is.
She also has continous scans in case she has ovarian cancer, had a monitor attached to her for 24 hours to monitor her heart (no problem detected), then phones me constantly to tell me how she feels she is going to have a heart attack (forgetting that I have a legitimate heart problem, which I just don't bother with).
None of this makes sense I know. I just feel ignored... when talking about mental health issues my mum brings up my sister and brother and how they are depressed (even though I am the only one with a legitimate diagnosis), and actually says that I'm perfectly normal - until I stop my meds, then she notices.
My sister also upset me after she took her son to visit DD2's grave. She rang me to tell me, I was touched. Then she said she cried as there were other children there, who were older, and how much more awful it must be to lose an older child. Maybe it is, maybe I'm too selfish and sensitive to realise that.
Sorry it's long, I don't really expect anyone to read it, just needed to vent, as I tend to hold it inside at the moment.