Hello everyone,
First time poster. This is extremely long. Sorry. Don't know who to talk to in real life.
I'm female. He's male. Together 8.5 years, married 2.5 of that. No children.
We don't have sex any more. We did it once (unexpected 3 minute quickie) in february but before that I'm not sure how long it was. Maybe november? So once in 4 months, and the frequency was dropping off well before that. I can't imagine ever wanting to sleep with him again and can't bear for him to touch me anywhere intimate even through my clothes.
I think it might be because I'm angry at how he has treated me. Between reading things on this board and talking to a clinical psychologist (only about the less bad stuff though) I have finally sort-of admitted to myself that sex-related things my husband has done are really not ok. I tried talking to him about all of this so many times but didn't get anywhere.
2003-2007
The boyfriend I had before I met my husband messed me up a bit by having sex with me after I had said no (twice, including once after we had broken up) and by having what he called "make-up sex", which was code for times when he would be nasty to me until I cried and then insisting on having sex while I was still crying. He made me think that if I ever said no then I would be the bad guy because I was obviously "holding a grudge" and "being difficult" instead of making the effort to make up. The trigger for breaking up with him in 2007 was realising that it had been a full year since the last time he had initiated sex when I wasn't crying.
2007
I told my now-husband that I was nervous about sharing a tent with him on a trip away with a group of friends because the previous boyfriend had had sex against my will in a tent. He seemed sympathetic but not particularly interested. The whole weekend he was horrible to me (ignoring, shouting, criticising) to the point that I decided to break up with him as soon as we got home.
When we went to bed in the tent he wanted sex and I was hesitant. He made an appalling joke about how he "would just have to force me then". I was really shocked but I made myself just not think about it.
2008
We were having sex at my house. I was in a position on my back with little/no control over what was happening. With no warning he suddenly started to have anal sex with me. He had to push really forcefully to do it because I wasn't ready and there was no lube or anything. It HURT! I said no and (without apologising) he went back to sex the usual way. I was really shocked because we had only done anal once before, in a position where I was controlling it, when he was gentle, and I said I wasn't sure whether I liked it or not. The next day I timidly mentioned that I was still in a fair bit of pain and bleeding. He laughed and said it hadn't happened, that I was imagining it. Then changed the subject and never mentioned it again. For a long time I felt like maybe I had made it up, but I really do have a clear memory of it happening and that doesn't explain the pain and bleeding.
2010
I said I didn’t want to have sex because we were at my relatives' house with no privacy, in the middle of the day when someone would probably wander in. I said no repeatedly and struggled. He pushed me onto my front with my arms pinned beneath me and forcibly had sex with me. After about 30 seconds he stopped and looked horrified. He made me feel like it was my job to reassure him that I was fine and I was the “cool girlfriend” who doesn’t get upset about her boyfriend going too far during horseplay. It turned into me making HIM feel better about it. Then he changed the subject and we didn't discuss it again.
When I mentioned it recently he said he remembered it and doesn’t know why he did it, but that he feels guilty and thinks about it sometimes.
2010-2014
He started this weird habit of losing his erection and/or stopping moving entirely when I started to have an orgasm, thereby ruining it. He gradually started doing it more and more often until I was anxious every time because I knew how it would end. He had zero problems getting or maintaining an erection apart from the 5 seconds that were crucial for me to enjoy it too. Then he would get it back up and carry on without further problems.
I told him over and over that it spoiled sex for me and actually hurt (unless I went totally numb instead). He didn’t seem to care, and spent the first 6 months denying that it was even happening (“oh, I didn’t notice”) and trying to make me think it was all in my head. When he finally accepted that it was happening he refused to do a single thing about it or even discuss it. He would derail the discussion by saying that it was because he was “too fat”, so that I would be the bad guy if I pushed it – and then sat on his arse stuffing his face with junk food for the whole weekend.
He has now changed his story and claims it is my own fault for moving into a position where he can’t move properly (even when he is on top) and there is nothing he could possibly do. He does it whichever psition we're in. Also when I point out that it happens when he’s using his mouth/hands as well he just shrugs.
This continued for about 4 years until I was eventually put off sex altogether and actually started having panic attacks every time we tried.
2014
Leeds.
We were sleeping at his nana’s house. He tried to grab my breasts but I didn’t want it and covered my chest with my arms. He just pushed my arms out of his way and carried on groping. He admitted later that he shouldn't really have done it, but didn't seem too bothered and refused to tell me why he had done something if he thought it was wrong.
2013-2015
I stopped wanting to have sex because of the previous problems. It was severe enough that I didn’t even feel safe and comfortable with him touching me over my clothes in an affectionate way. Instead of showing some concern, he started to just grab at my breasts and bottom whenever he thought he would get away with it. This would usually happen a few times a day. Every time I would pull away and ask him not to do it. This continued for months and I must have told him more than a hundred times that I didn’t want it. Also lots of disgusting sexual comments at inappropriate times, when I said a hundred times that I didn't like that either.
I expressly and repeatedly did not consent to this touching. He knew it upset me and he still chose to do it.
In the last year he started being more subtle about it – putting his hand on my waist at night just high enough that the edge of his hand was against my breast, or “accidentally” brushing them while moving his hand between non-sexual zones.
I tried talking to him about it but he just derails me by saying he doesn't remember it, or by making insultingly fake apologies. I am so angry about all of this. I want an explanation and a proper apology, but I am starting to lose faith that it will ever happen.
Every time my friends and family ask me when we're going to have a baby I just want to scream and tell them all the truth.
I don't know what to do. For so long I've just pushed all of this away and hoped for the best because if I admit it to myself then I have to do something about it, and I'm terrified. I'm so ashamed that I've let two consecutive partners do this to me. I was only a teenager when I got together with the first boyfriend, I didn't have any sense (he was 25).