Abusive relationship. Victim being called a liar. Your thoughts please?

[theworldaccordingtome]

Hi All
I am posting on behalf of a friend. They have recently left an emotionally, sexually and psychologically abusive marriage. The marriage had been that way for a number of years culminating in the abusive party emotionally bullying the other into having unprotected sex to fulfil their desire to have a child. A child was conceived as a result of this. There has been alleged infidelity so a paternity test was needed to confirm the Father of the child.
It took my friend a long time to come to terms with the fact that they were a victim of such horrific abuse and as a result of this agreed to the abusive party being the petitioner in the divorce and attended mediation. They have since begun treatment to deal with the impact of the abuse on their mental health.
Child Maintenance and contact are in the process of being resolved, obviously my friend strongly desires this to happen without contact between Father and Mother. However, the abusive party's solicitor is stating that her client denies any abuse and the fact that my friend attended mediation will be used as evidence that the abuse did not happen.
Furthermore, other mutual friends of the parties are refusing to believe that the abuse occurred and backing the view that my friend is lying.

So my question is this, how can I best support my friend? Do you have any advice for what they should do next? (obviously they are getting qualified legal advice, but I meant more on the emotional side of things).

Thanks for listening.

I'm aware that women can be abusive to men, children and other women. But there have been posts on here before either from abusive men or on their behalf, trying to get mostly female MNers to agree that a particular XW or about-to-be-dumped wife or girlfriend is abusive: a pre-emptive strike that rapidly degenerates into waa-men-are-the-ones-who-are-really-oppressed.

And the tone of the OP rather suggests that sort of agenda.

Just from a practical point of view, the abuse of one parent towards the other doesn't normally affect considerations of maintenance/contact, as you can see if you look through the Relationships board (or talk to a solicitor).

I understand your friend will be upset not to be believed, but if he could get the abuse officially accepted, what does he want to achieve?
Is he looking to get a restraining order, does he want it written into the contact arrangements that handover is via a third party, something else...?

pocketsaviour - what on earth has my question got to do with rape? I genuinely don't understand the logistics. Which is why I asked the question

Apologies OP. I assumed you were his new partner on the basis that all their other friends disbelieve your friend.

As for emotional support for your friend, Bertie's link is good. Counselling and time are really the only healers. And avoiding getting into another relationship any time soon.

I know that Women's Aid will help female abuse victims navigate the legal system, so I don't see why Respect would not do the same for male victims.

If you're not the Man or his partner I can't see what it has to do with you op. Have you not got your own life to be getting on with, rather than meddling in the breakup of a family?

OddFodd think you're being deliberately disingenuous here, but please do refresh your memory on the word "coercion".

OddFodd I expect that the issue then may be with my wording. Apologies. It isn't "all" their other friends. Just some. Nor has he ever claimed that she physically forced the sex. It is more complicated than that. I am happily engaged to my DP (not that that is too relevant).

Thank you to everyone that has posted links to resources/charities. I will certainly pass those on.

MyArksNotReady - would you say that to a person who's friends with a FEMALE who was the victim of abuse?

What a peculiar thread

I'm afraid your friend will have problems not too dissimilar to women trying to get out of emotionally abusive relationships.
It's notoriously difficult to prove unless there is written evidence. Attendance of mediation means nothing. Many victims go through it to try and keep things amicably and because it can be required.

If he isn't yet, advise him to keep all correspondence with her via a written medium or through his solicitor.

Most of it is irrelevant to the divorce itself. The main problem will be contact with the child, but he shouldn't be forced to see her during it, and he or she could arrange for a third party or a contact centre to handle hand overs.

This is a brilliant thread showing the attitudes of everyone here on mumsnet

myarksnotready what is it to do with you what her relationship to the 'Man or his partner' is? I think if you're not going to offer anything constructive then you're the one who should be getting on with your own life, rather than belittling people and being dismissive of their problems. It's not helpful.

I think you were right OP to try and hide the gender of your friend in your original post, the majority of replies you've received are what I've come to know as classic MN replies where men are involved.

I'm sorry to hear what your friend has been through. I can imagine that all kinds of people in this world very much exist and just because your story is different does not make it any less true.

I think you should support your friend by being there for him, there's a lot to be said for just being there for your friends I mean I don't think you need to actively do things every day you might want to refer him to the link posted in this thread and past that, I'm sure you being there during the low points would help him greatly.