Hello there,
Before I start please excuse me my English its my second language. I try not to make mistakes but its out of my control.
I meet my husband 9 years ago.I came to UK i did not have friends, support,my English was very basic, he was very supportive, speaking big words about how he met his destiny etc
He looked after me and care for me so much. It was my first serious relation ship (I was 21).
He was divorcing his ex at that time and I was not getting involved and showing no interest as he was saying she was cheating on him and she was not a good person.
We started living together 6 years ago, and at that time i had some problems at work and started anti depressants which made me feel very loved up and after 2 months I was pregnant. He wasnt showing any interest about the baby. I cant remember him listening or putting hands on my belly , hugging etc. When I was 5 months pregnant he started to pressure me to get married. he did not like the thought of calling me his "partner". I was not keen on getting married with big belly, no family coz they are abroad (too short notice) Somehow he managed to convince me for the sake of the child and when i was 8 months pregnant we went to registry office and got married.
In the past he has been violent. He had tendency to hit me during bad arguments (slap me on my face or hit me on my head ). Just one time he would not repeat the hit. I was thinking it was nothing. I come from home where my dad was strangling my mum on my eyes and when he hit her she was bleeding. So I thought what was happening to me wasnt as bad and thought i probably provoked him.
When my daughter was born we didnt argue as I was staying at home and I did not have any friends I was fully committed to him, home and baby. We were not arguing he would not hit me. He did not hit me as well during all pregnancy.
When my daughter was 9 months old I brought home a puppy. He became angry and started an argument. He hit me on my face and was shouting and screaming in front of our daughter. He threw me out of the house with the puppy and told me not to come back until I had got rid of it. I had to return the puppy to its owner and I returned home. I said to him I was leaving with baby if he will not write apology letter. So I managed to save the note for all this years where he says : Sorry i hit you on your face ..date and his signature.
That was last time he has been violent towards me. So that was 4 years ago.
He would always do what he wanted and his stuff and things was priority. I was always stuck with my little one at home and anything i wanted to do it had to be around him and around her.. His work was untouchable. He was living home 8 am and coming back home 7-8 pm and with time even later than that, including Saturdays as he was spending time on his hobby.
When i started having friends and very occasionally was going out, he started telling me my friends had bad impact on me
He would say i have no real friends and they are there only to use me and I dont need them because I have him and he will always look after me.
Over a year ago I started to work at the hospital and i witness many heart braking situations. Started new friendships and I opened my eyes how unhappy I am in my life and how my life is all around his life. It started to upset me the fact that he would create himself as a super dad, and best husband in the world where behind closed door it was opposite.
For 5 years now we do not sleep together he sleeps on the sofa. I never ask him or kick him out of the bedroom it was his choice. He is addicted to porn and many times I caught him wanking in the mornings.
Last holidays I caught him wanking while my daughter was asleep next to him!
Over a year ago i have to admit I did something silly. I was feeling lonely I had plenty of time at my old job and i was using my laptop to deal with boredom. I started chat with other ppl. Nothing naughty tho. But some guys started to chat with me and I was opening to them about my life.
I started to be a bit attached to one guy. Even tho it was only online, he was understanding , we started exchanging pictures and everything started to go to the level where we were starting to talk very dirty and sending dirty pictures. I know it was totally wrong. One side of me was feeling better inside that someone liked me as i was feeling down with myself I did not feel sexy anymore and there was someone who made me feel butterflies.
Although we never meet in real life and never planned.
My husband found chat while spying on my mobile.
I told him the truth and that I am not happy with our marriage and maybe its time for us to take some decisions.
At first he would call me all the worse names for doing such a thing but when he realized I don't really want to be with him he panicked and started to use our daughter to keep us together. He would say that for the sake of our daughter we should be together for that reason I decided to give it another go
I started new job at the hospital as I mention earlier and i was getting convinced that my life its not as it should and my daughter will never see me happy. I fall out of love for him. I felt like all those years with him I have been trapped and it was his life it was no life for me I was only addition. I discovered that he applied for new residential permit as married to EU citizen all restriction has been taken out for him! It made sense for me why he pressurized me to marry him.
7 months ago I told him its over. I returned wedding ring he went mental ,calling me names in front of our daughter, starting arguments and started stalking on me. Checking dirty laundry, making comments about my underwear , checking my mail, checking who was picking me up, as soon as I was online (fb, whatsaap)he would message me. constantly ringing me. It was like a cycle from argument to argument and between them he was obsessively nice to me. But when arguments kick off he was calling me all worse names and telling me that I have no right as he paid all bills for all those years and I was not committing to rent and mortgage. He would tell me that is my time to start paying bills so he can save some money.
I went to see CAB but they advice me not to involve solicitors and the best is arrange things together so we wouldn't loose money.
Flat that we have its on shared ownership scheme. We own 35% and rest we rent. I put deposit of 10 k and he put deposit of 8.5 k. He was paying rent and mortgage and his brother was living with us and committing to bills. I was paying for childcare for life, food and providing for my daughter all the household stuff, renovating, furniture, his clothes daughter clothes, nappies.
I decided it was over and I wanted to moved out. I was feeling guilty coz it was me who was ending it. But i was unable to find any flat and non of the landlords was keen to rent a place knowing someone would have to be on housing benefit, because I couldnt see any other way of doing it. I went to speak to him and explained that I can not find anything and it would be easier if he would move out as it is best for our child too. I offered him not to file for divorce yet in case he would have immigration issues. Finally he agreed and he was intending to get another mortgage and buy something for himself. But time was going and his plans started to look a bit unreal for me and his behaving dramatically changed, he started to be very abusive and bulling. Making sexual comments about me " being free woman now looking for dicks to sit on" and lots of comments this kind and also starting arguments about money, still controlling everything iI was doing and where I was going, who i could meet who I couldnt. He started sending messages around my friends thru Facebook , that he needs them to talk to me to change my mind, telling them things that were not true, that apparently I have been cheating and he is kind enough to forgive me, that I am destroying our marriage and he was begging them if they know anything to tell him and try to speak to me to change my mind, he was sending this kind of messages to my family and friends that he didnt even know! At some point he was even calling to my brother and telling me thru him that he is going to take me to court because I have been fucking other guys and destroyed our family and he is going to finish me in court. He started demanding that if he was going to move out I would have to pay him his share from the house and also have the flat valuated and pay him the money if the value gone up, he also wanted money for the car he bought me but as i discovered he was asking me £500 more then he actually paid for the car. All this was unreal anyway because i do not have money to pay for anything to him.
The critical point that I decided to take things forward was when he came at place where I work and I was having a coffee brake with friend who happened to be a male and I was standing with him and talking when my husband showed up and started screaming and calling him names. I was so shocked I was like paralised ... He was screaming to me that I am fucking everyone around. It just looked to me like a man who gone really mental. He started attacking my friend trying to punch him, hit him with the bag he was carrying. After that incident I said its enough. I advised him to seek mental help as he has problems with himself, but he would get upset with me telling that to him.
My friend reported it to police, so I had to go as a witness and they took my statement. He was begging me at home not to tell anything to police as he did not wanted to have criminal record. But i still went and gave my statement because I was simply scared of how everything started to be... dangerous, I actually started to be scared for my life. If he was able to attack someone who he never saw before never knew and just made up something in his head, it just proved he is unpredictable. He is dangerous...
At the same time i reported him for stalking me but police advised me not to take this further as we were living together in the same flat and better not to take risk coz nobody knows how he would react to it and it could end up tragic for me.
But situation at home was getting worse his bulling would not stop, he was making me upset and crying in front of my daughter and wouldnt even leave me alone when I was living room where he was starting arguments he would follow me to the bedroom and continue. I decided it was time to see solicitors. So i went to see one, she was very nice i explained what was happening she gave me numbers to contact domestic abuse services but legally she couldnt help me as I wouldnt be able to afford it and she said i could get legal aid .. so then i went in hands of another solicitors. We applied for non molestation order and occupation order which is on going in court at the moment.
My husband studied law for 2 years and his best life friend is a barrister so he is advising him from the beginning on everything. He did his divorce with first wife and he always been helping him. thats why I was scared to take any steps because I never had anyone even to give me a good advice I have been just pushed from one person to another. Now solicitors that look after me I just don't feel like I am getting enough from them. I am not very happy and I dont feel like I am getting good experience and I just dont feel they really care for me. It just seems like a job for them. Its similar when you go to the hospital, you get doctors who genuinely are passionate about their job and feel your pain, trying to help you. Sometimes if someone just listen to you it helps... So anyway my solicitor is not explaining me things and she just expect from me as if i understand where obviously I have never been in court before in my life and I am dummy I dont know their terms etc. So i find often like I ask something and as if I am annoying.
For last few days i feel very down, because he got away with that incident of attacking my friend. He took his barrister friend to defend him and refused to take caution. now police does not want to take this any further to court because i was the witness but I am his wife who is going to divorce him, so they cant rely on my statement. I just feel now very let down by police. because I was there i know what happened it was in december but in my head i still feel him screaming as if this just happen. I feel now like there is no justice and I am scared now he is defending himself in court with non molestation and occupation order and Im simply scared he will get away with it too. Last time in court he was playing the victim in front of the judge. His friend advice him to defend himself without solicitors as he will get sympathy of the judge coz he will be alone. In fron of the judge he was playing dummy who did not know and understand what was happening. But before we went to the court room he was telling to my solicitor that he is going to put non molestation order now against me! As it is me who is abusive and aggressive. Which is very sad for me because I did never in my life treated him with disrespect I have never called him any names even in arguments we had I could raised my voice few times when i could not take it anymore but I never called him names, never swear at him or said anything that could hurt him...
On top of that In flat that we live we have 2 bedrooms , since last year i fight for the bedroom for his brother to move out so my daughter can have her bedroom, coz me and her staying in one bedroom, his brother in second and my husband in living room. It is a struggle, on top of that I am paying all utility bills myself they dont give me any money for that, I pay half of the whole rent and service charges and he does not pay anything for last few months, so rest of the rent each month dept is increasing. His brother does not want to move out and is ignoring me. On top of that they use everything I buy for the house, they do not clean etc. Its just living nightmare .
Now why am i writing all this Im just looking for someone to give me some sympathy as it easier for me to open online to strange people... I know its funny most probably, but my problems been going on for months and months now and i just feel very lonely and depressed now and scared> i dont know what to do anymore. Maybe you have any good ideas how to deal with all that or even give me a good advice. I know i need to be strong, but lately i just lost my hope and wish i could get back on track...
Thank you for reading if you managed to read it all...