Thinking of using internet dating for first time ever - tips please!

[Madaboutcake]

Hi everyone

I am in my late forties and single for the first time since I was 18. Everyone tells me to do internet dating as the most efficient (!) way to find a new man. I think I am willing to give it a go but am worried how I will cope with both rejection and morons. Any advice!? I have no clue how to chat up or be chatted up. I also want to know how to politely extricate myself if I don't fancy the guy or see him again - I am too polite and nervous of hurting anyone's feelings.

Looking forward to hearing your tips, plus suggestions for websites where I am likely to meet intelligent and professional men, and definitely no pervs!

Dating thread

Come and join us on the dating thread, you will get all the hints, tips and support you need. Good luck

hi madabout cake
ive internet dated in the past and so have alot of my friends I would say go for it but you do have to be quite thick skinned ( I wasnt at 1st ) expect that you can be getting on well chatting with someone and thinking maybe they are in the running as a possible meet up but then they dissappear totally never to be heard off again if you expect this will happen with a percentage of them though then at least you wont think its you its just the nature of the beast as these men are probably talking to several women at once
sites wise I would avoid plentyoffish at all costs and register on one of the paid sites as if someone has had to pay they are more likely to be serious about finding a relationship rather than people on pof trying to fill up thier phones with a 'booty call' list of numbers!
hope you find a nice guy there must be some on these sites somewhere!
lol

Thanks for this. My H has left after 20 years together. I've not dated since I was 22 and its a scary thought. I will come over and have a look...

Are you on Facebook? From first hand personal experience I recommend TInder. I know it has a bad wrap but it is no different to any other site apart from it is very straightforward and you can only message each other if you have both "chosen' each other which means you dont get bombarded by messages from people you don't want. It uses your facebook profile pic and links you to people with similiar interests automatically. I met my dp on there nearly 7 months ago now. We are really happy and very much a couple.

Oh should mention dp is intelligent and professional and lovely too and only slightly pervy haha

As others have said, develop a thick skin and a sense of humour. I recommend meeting for a coffee during the daytime (if he's awful, its ok to drink up and part company without hurting anyones feelings), go with your gut instinct-dont doubt yourself because you're probably right! Don't be grateful for anyone contacting you (you're probably quite vulnerable at first as out of a ltr its hard to imagine anyone wants to give you the time of day). Be honest-about what you want, and what you are willing to accept -this is your first chance to have a clean slate and say actually? no you're not what im looking for thankyou very much. Always have a person who knows where you plan to meet, and to call to make sure you're ok at an agreed time.
Above all-enjoy it! I met my fantastic partner 2 years ago after a 18 year marriage, we were both honest from the start and havent looked back.

Its probably worth forking out and becoming a member of an established dating site, free ones tend to be populated with skinflints, weirdos and Nigerian scam artists.

Take time to write a decent profile, get a friend to proof read it and offer constructive criticism. While you are trying to 'sell' yourself in the best possible light dont embelish things too much, playing tennis on holiday a couple of years ago is not a hobby! If you describe yourself as 'athletic' make sure you are!

Dont spend forever exchanging emails, swiftly move to chatting on messenger then a chat on the phone if you are comfortable (withold number), you will find out volumes more about a prospective date as emails dont always convey personality, humour etc.

Set up an email address spefically for the use of dating

Honesty is the best policy, if you dont fancy someone after a date a polite 'had a nice time but I dont want to take things further' would be appreciated rather then just a rude radio silence

Always stick a photo(s) on your profile, preferably recent and make sure you don't have your cropped out ex's arm draped around your shoulder.

Your gut feeling is usually the right one.

Arrange first dates as a lunch or simple drinks after work, you dont want to have a 3 course meal only to find the chap is a complete bore and you have no easy escape.

Always tell a mate where you are going when meeting someone for a date.

Come up with something more original then 'likes a night in on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a good DVD'

Don't post photos of your cat.

Don't get upset if someone you like who you went on a first date with is on the dating site the following day, that is allowed. It's not uncommon to have a few irons in the fire when online dating until things get a bit more serious.

Have fun!!

• develop a thick skin. Just as you don't fancy every man on the planet, there will be men who don't fancy you. That's life. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you (or them), just that you aren't their type. Psych yourself up for rejection because it will happen (no matter how gorgeous you are).

• Do not do OD when feeling needy or vulnerable as that will open you up to putting up with shit from wrong uns.

• check out the authenticity of their photos using Google reverse image search. I've caught out so many men using fake pics by doing that. I even caught one man who's whole gallery was stolen off an American personal fitness trainer's blog!

• never develop any sort of emotional relationship with someone you've not met. Meet potential dates quickly rather than exchange lots of texts. You can't gauge chemistry until then, no matter how great they appear.

• I used to have a rule that I'd exchange a couple of emails on the dating site, then if those went well we'd have a chat on the phone ASAP to see if there was potential/we still liked the sound of each other. If the chat went well I'd push for a date very soon after that. Strike while the iron is hot. There are too many people on there who just want to chat rather than meet and they will string you along.

• if you get a message from someone you don't fancy, just reply with something like "thanks but you're not quite what I'm looking for, sorry". Men always appreciated it when I bothered to reply, even to reject them. It's unnecessary, but kind IMO.

• Use the block button liberally.

Livid how do you use the image search?

Em. I don't agree the paid sites trump the free sites.

I've tried, Match, Soulmates and Ok Cupid.

Match is a paid for sub I don't like it at all.

Soulmate's is also a paid for sub its busiest in London.

Ok Cupid is the busiest of all three.

Match and Ok Cupid have admitted to setting up fake profiles to lure in people there is a lot of spam on both.

That said, Ok Cupid has plenty of lovely normal people it may take time to find them. Lastly, Ive seen the same people on all three.

Pinklaydee there are 3 ways to using Google reverse image search...
either drag and drop the image into the search bar (although this might only be available with Firefox), copy the image URL and search that way, or copy the image onto your computer then upload it. It's a great way of catching the fakers!

One dead give away for fake pictures is if they look professionally taken, eg perfect lighting, even for a normal looking pic. I caught one man out using a stock photo of a balding Mr Average, so initially he was very believable. Usually it would be a case of if it looks too good to be true it probably is; why would a drop dead gorgeous ripped man with perfect photos be OD? The chances are the man in the photos is not the man who set up the profile!