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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very upsetting

22 replies

MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 20:47

I was arrived to my husband for 15 years. He cheated on my when my first was a baby but we overcame it. It happened again. Just over a year ago. His head was turned by a very pretty girl in his office 21 years his junior. It was a week before my 49th birthday party that I found out. It's a long and pretty heartbreaking (although I'm sure pretty typical) story. Three kids. Loads of friends and family shocked and trying to help us sort / get him to understand the gravity of what would be lost. I tried. Tried counselling. He didn't try at all. We were renting while we developed our home. I moved back in with the children alone. He lives with his girlfriend.
The kids met her two weeks ago. On Sunday he dropped DS home from tour and broke down in tears. Asking me if there is a way back for us. This has been very upsetting for me. I won't ever forgive him for what he did. I feel heartbroken for what we have lost.
I'm cross that he's putting this on me. I know I shouldn't feel like this but this makes me feel dreadful because I feel responsible now for not mending my children's family unit. I know. I know what you are going to say. I know it's not rational when he did this to us. But I can't help it.Sad

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 30/03/2015 20:49

I thought you had a new partner?

Original poster
MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 20:52

I do. x

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 30/03/2015 20:55

But you were just discussing getting all the children together? I am lost...

AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 20:55

Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier

Does he think he is a good bet ? What a fucking joke. You don't need him.

Missqwerty · 30/03/2015 20:58

Children don't need a family unit that's broken. Build them a new one that's worth having. He's learnt the hard way that the grass isn't always greener, but I doubt it will stop him doing it again. Move on

Original poster
MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 21:02

wannabestressfree… Left my new partner out of this thread because he's not relevant. I'm scared about a lot of things. I never expected to meet someone so soon after my marriage fell apart. In an ideal world I wouldn't have. But I did. I did and fell in love and you can't un-meet someone.
I'm scared it's a rebound as everyone told me that (on here anyway)! and it, quite rightly, made me take things slow.

He's not relevant in this because, despite him, it doesn't change my decision here. I would never get back with my ex. I could never trust him. Not just not to do this again but also not to do this to the kids too. I think he always genuinely thought that he could have his fun and get me back when he was over this 'pretty young thing'. He's a very good looking, charismatic (bordering on cocky), successful salesman, who is used to getting what he wants with clever mind games.

Hence why after over a year he still isn't completing is bloody FORM E! After Sunday I know what is causing the delay now.

OP posts:
qazxc · 30/03/2015 21:04

Children need happy parents either in healthy relationships (not necessarily with each other) or on their own.

YellowTulips · 30/03/2015 21:13

The best you can do for your kids is forge them a positive family model.

That might be you alone or you plus a new partner. It isn't you and ex.

It's not your fault the family was blown apart. It's his x2 (plus all the other times you don't know about).

The best role model you can be is not to set an example where you are a total mug - leave him in your past where he belongs.

Remember indifference is a powerful emotion Thanks

crimsonh · 30/03/2015 21:19

If h is a salesman he will be using his dirty psychological tricks on you.

Disengage, communicate via email, no texts, don't talk to him.
No chats on the doorstep!

EdmondDantes · 30/03/2015 21:22

Hi Mrs G.

The blame of the breakup of the family not on you. He chose to do what he did and their are consequences. Children learn & adapt. The best thing for all of you is to be in happy and healthy environments which clearly you wouldn't be if you ever took him back. You set an example to your kids of how they see all future relationships and how to treat someone/ be treated. I wish you the best and I trust you with the support of your friends will continue to make the right decision.

Original poster
MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 21:43

Thanks. I'm doing my best. It's hard. Never envisaged being a single mum. We are going to have to sell the house. I'm cool with that. I'm really proud of how it's turned out but it never turned into the family home that I planned. I'm excited about buying a new home that will be 'all mine'. That he won't feel he's got the right to just barge into uninvited. He's been asking to come and stay here on the weekends he has the children and last time I said no he told me he has a key (god knows where from) and he was going to come and stay wether I liked it or not. This didn't garner a good response from me.

Had a row with his parents about it too which we have subsequently sorted out. I think it will be very empowering to have my own place. To forge a new career for myself. The kids have been brilliant. They understand the scenario and are obviously saddened by it but they didn't live in a shitty environment for long. I made sure of that. I hide my sadness from them. Like a lot of people going through this - I do my crying on my own time.

I'm running the London marathon for the first time and that has been a brilliant goal for me to focus on. Great thinking time and really cathartic. I JUST want to get divorced so I can get on with MY life. The financial stress of the divorce is starting to worry me. Every time my husband misses a deadline or doesn't respond it's more money. If he doesn't want it to be expensive why isn't he bloody getting on with it!!!

OP posts:
crimsonh · 30/03/2015 21:53

With this little chat he nows in his head is blameless - it is now your fault for not wanting to reconcile....

Original poster
MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 21:56

He's going to think that anyway. That's the psychology of most of these men.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 21:57

I told him that if his head hadn't been turned we would still be married. I was very clear with him about that.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 30/03/2015 22:01

sounds like he's a complete narcissist.
he'll never accept one iota of blame.
if he wants to drag out the paperwork for the divorce then there's probably not much you can do about that.
however - you're doing well.
keep moving forward without him
he burned his bridges with his second affair.
he can't even admit that much to himself so he'll never admit it to you.
it must be like talking to the wall with him.

EdmondDantes · 30/03/2015 22:12

Mrs G ( better change that to Miss G just G)

It seems to be that you have your head screwed on. First priority is a happy environment for you and your kids. Best move to sell the house as it would never be mentally yours. Find who you are and take new relationship slowly ( not relevant but practical). If you are strong (and I dont mean hide and bury your emotions) and know who you are and what you can do it will set a great example to Young ones. It's shit they have to see it first hand but it's one thing to focus on. My mumnever found who she was and went looking for men to provide her with that answer. Always Be prepared to stand alone but do so as a positive decision. Re crying. I am sure you have amazing friends who will always be there for you. Never bottle it up and not deal with it as it only stores up pandoras box for the future. Eventually there will be no tears as you have dealt with it and the anger. The one thing you can't control is him and him not paying bills/ school fees/ whatever stresses you. Find an outlet be it running/ swimming etc. physical effort will release pent up stress energy. Marathon is a great idea. Also keep you fit and looking good. (My only childish point show him how much better off you are without him) Just remember to stop running ( imagining forest gump stop signs right now).

Different context but a friend told me be it good or bad everything is just a phase and it will end sometime. Whatever it is it won't last for ever. ( He was referring to little ones not sleeping etc but the point holds)

lavenderhoney · 30/03/2015 22:14

I should imagine the absolute realisation of filling in the form e has stopped him in his tracks and you know, it going to cost him. Ask your lawyer why they think he is delaying because they put deadlines on these to be swapped. It may be in your interest to delay unless you are already divorced. You can have your divorce without waiting for the financial settlement / child access etc, depends on pensions etc.

Things can't go back to how they were - and it wasn't that great really by the sounds of it. He messed you and the dc about during their younger years. You won't get that back, doesn't bode well for the future and he's not working hard enough to be anything other than an ex. If he lived alone, sent flowers, made no demands, no sobbing and histrionics- was a respectful and kind friend then maybe you could think about it.

Sounds more like his new squeeze wants more, naturally a family life and he hasn't thought that far ahead and now wants you back and all pretend it never happened. Until the next time.

Charley50 · 30/03/2015 22:17

OP you sound great. Sorry no advice just wanted to share that.

Original poster
MrsGPie01252 · 30/03/2015 22:25

That's just it. And I know you are all right. I just find it hard to sign my kids up to a life of 'every other weekend' and having a 24 year old fill my void every other one of those. I know this the scenario going forward and I have to accept it but it, quite frankly, it's shit. You're right. I'm sure she'll want kids and he certainly won't. The new young girl (aka gypsy) fits the bachelor pad flat in the hotel, the 2 seat sports car he still drives (he borrows his parents runaround car when he has the kids). Typical mid-life crisis bullshit.

He's had a health scare recently with his heart and I'm sure this has caused him to reevaluate a few things. Funny how it's still all about 'his feelings' and 'his emotions'. Pity he never stopped to consider the rest of his loved ones 16 months ago.

I know I'm better off on my own. He's let me down in a way that can never be repaired or rectified. EVER. I have to move on and make myself happy. I agree too that you have to be happy ON YOUR OWN. And prove to yourself first that you are mentally strong before you can give yourself over to someone else. I know too many women (and men) who seem to need to be in a relationship to be happy. They seems to fall apart on their own. I won't and haven't done that. I won't let my marriage failure be my downfall. Thanks guys. x

OP posts:
EdmondDantes · 30/03/2015 22:35

G - You rock! Love your attitude and strength.

wannabestressfree · 31/03/2015 04:27

G reading your subsequent posts you sound like a legend..... You go girl:)

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 06:33

I think it is more the grass is always greener. Maybe the 24 year old is more work than he expected. He signed up the kids to every other weekend you are giving them very opportunity to see what a healthily relationship looks like.

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