How to stop myself being pulled back into the FOG?

[MaggieGreene]

I've been NC with my narc mother for about 18 months now. She still insists on buying Christmas and birthday presents for my kids though. Which I just accept graciously because it's easier. So far I've managed to avoid her apart from the odd occasion. On these occasions of seeing her, afterwards I've usually become ill with cold or flu, a stomach bug or ear infection etc. I know it's due to the stress of seeing her as I used to feel that way on a daily basis when she was in my life.

My sister is getting married this August and I very much want to be involved, as unfortunately does my mother. Yesterday was the first in what will probably be many times when I will have to see my mother. Today I feel ill (surprise surprise) like I'm getting an ear infection.

She was piling on the guilt yesterday and I almost fell for it! I just stopped myself by repeating don't get drawn in again over and over in my head. She's certainly done a number on me throughout my life and I was at the point a few weeks ago were I thought I was having a breakdown. Even though she's been out of my life for over a year. I'm back on ADs, taking beta blockers which help my anxiety.

How do I stop myself being pulled in by her again, yet still be a part of my sister's wedding without making myself ill (physically and mentally)?

It doesn't sound to me as if you're NC<

What is the dynamic between you and your sister, and her and your sister? Does your sister know your situation?

Write yourself a letter.

Nobody knows better than you what the situation is or warn yourself of tge tactics that are likely to be pulled in future. Lastly, you know best how to tell yourself what you should be in a way you best appreciate.

I don't know how you got to where you are, but I guess you've tried talking to her about how she makes you feel? Does she know?

Write down past incidences so it is a reminder every time you feel drawn in.

I also would try and get friendly with someone who you can be your barrier. I always put someone in between us, so there is no chance of casual conversation.

When she starts, excuse yourself and get up and fill your drink, take some dishes to the sink, go and talk to anyone. You don't have sit there and listen to anything she says.

You do not sound NC to me; to begin with you are still accepting Christmas and birthday presents for your children. This is mistaken behaviour on your part because by doing that you are really exposing them further to her emotional manipulation. Narcissists as well make for being deplorably bad grandparents as well as parents.

What is the dynamic between you all; does your mother triangulate, who is the scapegoat here?.

I do not think you can be a part of your sister's wedding without making your own self feel ill. You have been certainly trained by your mother to serve her and still to some extent jump when she says how high.

I would also suggest you talk to a therapist; preferably one experienced in the ways of narcissistic families of origin about this dysfunctional relationship. Beta blockers are all very well and good but you need to tackle this in other ways too. Also posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages is a good idea too.

As aussie says, write down the incidents that led you to go NC. Also the specific feeling she evokes.

Then put that piece of paper in your pocket and if she beelines you, put your hand on it and talk to her while physically holding it.