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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why does DP treat me like this but claim he wants me?

27 replies

hadtoomuchtosleep · 30/03/2015 16:46

I am so unhappy. My DP of 3.5 years has become increasingly distant over the last few months. He doesn't seem bothered when we see one another, isn't bothered about going ahead with arrangements we have made, and frequently lets me down. He rarely replies to my messages throughout the day, despite having read them (shows on social media). He never used to be like this.

Before people tell me to talk to him - I have. In masses of detail. I've got angry, I've been upset, I've been distant, I've literally talked candidly and upfront about it all. I've asked if there is someone else. Every single time he says he loves me and wants a future with me. He will sometimes agree that he haasn't been that good to me recently, but his apologies seem meaningless and the next day he will go back to much the same behviour as described above.

I don't know what to do. I really love him and care fir him. I feel I have tried my best to be perfect to him, but he is like he is. What have I done wrong? I feel physically sick right now and my heart is racing - I feel nervous of his next message as it will most likely be another piece of information to let me down in some way or make me feel like he really couldn care less. I don't understand it :(

OP posts:

Binklesback · 30/03/2015 16:53

My exp told me he loved me right up to after the day he dumped me with a note through the letterbox after being together four years and knowing each other eighteen years. When I asked why he continued to say he loved me when he wanted to end the relationship his words were "that's just what you say isn't it" love is a verb as they say and if he isn't "actively' showing love then if has fell out of love. Don't take crumbs.

Binklesback · 30/03/2015 16:55

Should add I was distraught when he ended it - then I met my dp and six months on we are having the time of our lives. That could be you if you're brave and let go of this Half-Life you're living waiting for his love to kick back in. Good luck x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2015 16:57

I note that he denies that there is someone else but what does your gut instinct tell you?. Has he developed "mentionitis" when it comes to talking even in passing about one particular woman?. How else has his behaviour changed and can you pinpoint one particular event around the time his behaviour really became noticeably altered?. Re him was there a new job, a new work colleague who joined his workplace, a holiday away, a new social interest, a job related course away from home etc?.

I would ask you what exactly you are getting out of this relationship now because I cannot see any good points about this whatsoever now. He seems to have you on a string. Ok so you love him and care for him but clearly he is not showing you the same consideration and comes out instead with the hackneyed, "love you and want a future with you" comment as if that is going to solve everything as well. Words after all are cheap, its actions you want really to look at and he is truly behaving shabbily here.

If a friend was telling you all this, what would you advise her to do?.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2015 16:57

You deserve so much more than this. Start to detach from this person. He's just not that into you.

Jan45 · 30/03/2015 16:58

Thing is though by staying with him and contacting him all the time you are saying it's ok to treat me this way, stop doing that, become assertive and the minute he starts treating you like shit, tell him to bolt, keep doing that, you will soon find out the extent of his true feelings for you.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 30/03/2015 16:59

Stop trying to be perfect for him. The only person you should try to be perfect for is yourself. You will never, ever be perfect for anyone - only you.

And stop asking yourself what you have done wrong, and blaming yourself. Try asking yourself what HE has done wrong and what could HE do better.

I know I'm being harsh here but you do sound needy and the needier you are the more he is moving away from you. He is not the right man for you.

Original poster

hadtoomuchtosleep · 30/03/2015 17:13

binklesback I am scraed I won't meet anyone else.

He used to be so lovely to me and I used to feel so loved. It feel drained everyday waitinf for the next kick in the teeth and next rejection.

ohnonotmybaby you're right, the more he is like this, the clingier I am. I'm not a clingy person, I have just become someone I hate through his behaviour towards me, and constantly feel so low.

OP posts:

MaryDrapersDaughter · 30/03/2015 17:18

He's just not that into you anymore. My XP was like this right up until he dumped me without a word and without explanation. If I had my time again I would have ended it, which is probably what your P wants but is too much of a coward to do it himself. Don't waste your life on him. He doesn't want you.

PS Life is great for me now.

MatildaTheCat · 30/03/2015 17:30

What have I done wrong?

Nothing except trying to be perfect. Maybe he does sense that slight desperation. Maybe he feels wholly responsible for your happiness. Who knows...However you do deserve the truth so insist on it. If things have changed so much there has to be some reason. If you do insist on the truth, though, you do have to be prepared for it. It sounds as if he is cooling off. If so walk away with dignity. It truly is the best you can do. Sorry.

Binklesback · 30/03/2015 17:49

You will find someone else, cliche though it may be you find him didn't you? So you'll find someone else. He isn't loving you and doesn't know how to end it. Like most men it will probably end up him leaving for someone new - if you let it get to that stage. I know it's hard. But end it now with your dignity intact and free yourself up for someone who adores who you are today not three and half years ago . after you've felt shit for a while which you will you ''ll get your groove back and it will happen. Nailed on guarantee.

Vivacia · 30/03/2015 18:00

My advice is DLTB, but act as if you have.

Start to get your needs met elsewhere - make arrangements with friends, join Meet Up, set a target to send X messages to friends and families, take up a new hobby.

Do not be sat at home waiting for crumbs of love from him.

blueberrypie0112 · 30/03/2015 18:03

If you try everything and you are still unhappy...time to dump this guy.

SylvaniansAtEase · 30/03/2015 18:18

To answer your question - because he is a bit of a shit.

Of course he 'wants and loves you'. To him, that translates as: I like being in a partnership, it's what I should have and what everyone wants, it's better than being single. I like having someone available for sex with me without me having to date. I like having another adult available to do stuff for me like cook, post a parcel, be there if I want company.'

And that's it. No, he isn't interested in connecting with you. He couldn't care less if you feel happy or loved or anything really; this is all about him, what he wants - or rather, probably 90% what he kind of thinks he should be doing at this stage of life, without even really thinking about it. He has a missus, yeah? That's just what you do. And the missus moans, and you agree just to shut her up, and turn the footy on.

If you've talked, there's no point in just doing it more. This is not a keeper: he's lazy, unloving, crap, unimaginative, boring. Either stick with it, and just have a frustrating and pretty lonely life, or cut your losses and move on. I suggest the latter.

VanitasVanitatum · 30/03/2015 18:21

My friends ex was still telling her he loved her and would do anything to make it work as he was asking his friend if he could move in because he was leaving her.

I think its guilt/not wanting to hurt the person while going through the process of moving on.

Don't put yourself through it, break up with him. If he really does love you, then he will show you and maybe you'll be able to believe him.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/03/2015 18:51

To be devils advocate, maybe there isn't anything wrong. I mean being distant isn't a massive crime and perhaps he's becoming more so because you pester him. Is he stressed?

Original poster

hadtoomuchtosleep · 30/03/2015 18:53

sleepyhoglet we have both been very stressed recently due to his work which potentially means a relocation of a few hours. it has been tough and i know he has been stressed, definitely. i'm just feeling drained by it all.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/03/2015 19:06

If you have tried communication and compromise and nothing works, I'm not sure a vague carrot of a future with DP dangled in front of you is enough to warrant more of this.

Emilyanne28 · 30/03/2015 19:10

I've just ended a relationship like this - four years I put up with constant infidelity, being treated like second best, being put down in front of his family and friends, not once received a Mother's Day card (LO is 2) being barked at and moaned at and constantly belittled or put down. Stop asking yourself what it is you are doing wrong, tell him what he is doing wrong and if he doesn't pull his socks up get rid. The problem is him not you and you 100% deserve better. Girl Power

Kvetch15 · 30/03/2015 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hadtoomuchtosleep · 30/03/2015 19:18

I am listening to all advice.

I just want him to be honest and it seems no matter how much I ask him to be honest, his actions contradict his words :(

OP posts:

Kvetch15 · 30/03/2015 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binklesback · 30/03/2015 19:28

What she said ^ 100%. I noticed you jumped on the ray of hope too. I don't mean that nastily. You're just used to making the most of the crumbs and that's another example. Please finish it. I know it sounds awful but I will be surprised if he emphatically argues against it. Even if he does nothing will change. You're literally wasting your time with him now. His actions say all you need to know.

TendonQueen · 30/03/2015 19:31

Only two options really:

break up now. He is sounding very much like someone whose heart isn't in it anymore, but who also can't be bothered to do the work of calling it off. Say 'I think we should split up' very calmly to him and watch him carefully for a look of relief that you did it before he did.
Distance yourself. You say you've done this but I'm guessing it was only briefly. Set yourself a deadline (would suggest something like two weeks) and resolve not to message him or contact him at all in that time unless he has contacted you first and only then if a reply is necessary for a genuinely practical reason that benefits you both (so not if he texts to ask what his NI number is, or when his mum's birthday is..). Watch carefully what he does. If this is extreme laziness where he has decided you will pick up all the slack so he can stop bothering, you may see a bit of improvement (though even then you're not out of the woods). If he can't then even make any effort and things stay the same, you have your answer which is that he simply is not prepared to put anything into the relationship anymore and it's time to end it.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/03/2015 23:04

Sorry I didn't want to have a go at OP. It's just I'm married to a lovely man who tends to shut down and withdraw when he gets stressed and the more I try to get him to open up the worse it gets! I'm just wondering whether it's like that for your partner. Eg he really does love you but is struggling at the moment. Can you give him a bit longer.

Sleepyhoglet · 30/03/2015 23:06

But I suppose it is different because we live together so doesn't feel as isolating for me (when he was stressed) as perhaps it does for you OP.

Have you tried other ways to communicate eg write him a letter? Or just give him a hug, tell him you know he is stressed and that you are sure he doesn't mean to but that it is hurting you.

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