Should I leave my Husband?

[melplant]

I Really need as much advice as I can possibly get with this. I'm at the end of my tether and I don't know what's happening in my head! I've been with my Husband for almost 5 years, married for almost 2. Nearly exactly a year a go I was on the verge of leaving him. He was horrible to me at the time when I told him how I felt so I had no choice but to leave our home with our 2 young children and stay at a friends house cramped up on her sofa for nearly 2 weeks. I felt so strongly that I didn't want to be with him anymore but he would txt and phone me all the time begging me not to leave him. I felt so guilty and sorry that I was breaking his heart I went running back. I was also living in fear as he was bringing all the income into the household and I was leaving with nothing. That didn't bother me as such I was just thinking of our children. It wasn't fair dragging them from pillar to post sleeping on friends sofa's and missing school because I couldn't get them there. But my husband is a sort of old fashioned person where because I was leaving him, I had to leave the house and everything behind. I had to leave with nothing with 2 children because I was the one who wanted to end our marriage... The reason I felt like I did was because he thinks because he works full time he doesn't have to do anything at home even on days he's off, he won't cook or clean. He hardly interacts with our kids, we never interact with each other. We don't talk and even when I bring it up he'll just say "well what do you want to talk about" and he doesn't show any interest in what I want to say. We have different interests in nearly everything. Even silly things like if i pick a film to watch he'll say he's not bothered and go to bed. If he picks a film I'll sit and watch it with him even if I don't enjoy it because at least were still spending time together. He never takes me out Anywhere unless I suggest it. And when we do go out for a meal or something like that he'll moan if I pick something I want that costs more than his. He moans that I smoke, I've smoked since before we even met! I cant go out drinking with friends without him accusing me of cheating or worrying About me spending too much money, I feel like I can't enjoy myself without having to worry about what he thinks. If he goes out, I don't care he can please himself if he's having a good time I'm happy! Were completely different people lately. When we first met everything was amazing, he was everything I wanted and now it's like we don't connect at all. So a year later I still don't feel like I truly want to be with him. I've tried too hard to make things work again. I love him with all my heart but I don't think I'm truly IN love with him. I Really don't Want to break his heart again but I know if I stay I'll forever be unhappy. And I'm terrified I won't be able to cope without a house, furniture etc and money for our kids! I do work part time now, I have for a few months (in which I still have to cook and clean when he's off work and I'm at work) I can't keep putting myself in this same situation and shrugging it off to just plod on with life. I'm miserable! I even told him I wanted another baby because I felt that it might change things again but he doesn't want anymore so that annoyed me aswell. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with I'm so confused, frustrated and lost within myself I don't know what to do anymore! I really need a lot of advice and different views on this. Obviously only I can decide on which path I choose to Take But it always helps to hear people's opinions on the matter. I don't want to be judged Please. I'm such a mess the last thing I need is anyone thinking I'm a horrible person for how I'm feeling. I can't help feelings :(

Oh dear, he sounds like a right drainer. Someone who just wants to suck all the joy and colour out of the lives of everyone around him.

My advice is to get yourself to a solicitor asap and find out what you're entitled to. You're not obliged to leave the home as a matter of course, especially since you have two young kids whose school is presumably close by. He will also have to pay maintenance for the children in the event of a split, and probably spousal maintenance as well since you've been a SAHM (I assume?)

Ring several solicitors and see a few for a first half hour free consultation, and pick the one who seems to "get it" best. You will be doing yourself and your kids a big favour.

You know what you need to do ultimately.
That is end things and get away and have a much happier, fulfilling life!
You can try Womens Aid and have a chat with about things.
Then get to Citizens Advice and find out what you would be entitled to in benefits, housing etc...
Then CSA (or something else now) and find out how much maintenance he will need to pay you.
You may find you are better off than you think when everything is taken into account.
Time to get a plan together and get out.

Thank you for your replies my emotions are everywhere at the moment. I haven't even spoken to any friends or family yet as I'm quite worried on what they will say. Like last time this Happened they all just tried to convince me on how great my husband is which he is a great person and he's a fantastic dad but they don't put into consideration how I actually feel. I think to myself would they stay in a Relationship if they were unhappy and they wouldn't. Yet they wouldn't care if Anyone judged them on it. I'm such an emotional person and I think too much of what others think and I care too much sometimes! I've had an abusive previous relationship before I met my husband so I guess I feel safer here knowing that he would never physically hurt me. I'm staying for the wrong reasons arnt I? It's easier to stay than to face the consequences of having to start again in a new house and for him to totally hate me. I know things would probably get easier in time but I'm having trouble finding that courage to leave and stick to it. I will speak to my mum about it tomorrow. Ideally I need somewhere to stay properly so I'm out of this house and away from him so I don't have to feel the guilt when he sits crying to me pleading for me not to go. I can't even find the words to tell him again. Should I plan ahead on where I'll go and how I'll cope financially etc before I tell him?

He doesn't sound like a fantastic dad or a great person though.

I second solicitor and Women's Aid. He cannot make you leave with nothing - that isn't how marriage works. I wouldn't tell him anything just yet. Get your plans in place first.

He sounds truly awful, no wonder you are miserable, what exactly does he put into the relationship, FA by the sounds of it and even seems to think it's your job to keep him happy whilst he does nothing for you, that is not a healthy normal relationship. Also, what's with the 1950s crap, of course you leave with your kids, and your stuff, get legal advice, the first half hour is free, be proactive, don't just give in to it, this is for the rest of your life and it sounds intolerable. You should be partners both making the effort to make each other happy, if not, then leave and allow that person to be happy again, you don't have to lie in your bed anymore.

Will your mum though tell you to stick with him though?. That is not helpful at all. Staying too for the childrens' sake is never a good idea either; they are not going to say thanks mum are they?. They will despise you instead by see you as weak and staying for your own selfish reasons despite the overwhelming unhappiness at home. They will also wonder why you put him before them in their childhoods.

Family in particular and to some extent friends can be overinvested and not always act in your best interests. Its impartial advice that is of most benefit to you here. You are fed up and rightly so. You do not need anyone else's permission except your own to end this marriage; they have nothing to do with it and besides which they do not live with him on a day to day basis.

It sounds like you went from one abusive relationship into yet a different type of abusive relationship. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

If anyone should be leaving the home it should be him rather than you and your children.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, that this is how couples really behave within same?. I would hope your response to that question would be no.

I would also suggest you seek legal advice asap and enrol yourself on Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships.

Absolutely 'get your ducks in row' first.
WA, CAB, CSA, family, friends then get everything in place to move.
A free half hour with a solicitor would be good too if you have one in your area.
Please tell you family (mum) what you have told us!
There is no way she would really want you to stay if she knew all the facts of the situation.

Womens Aid can put you on the 'Freedom Programme' when you are ready.
As you've already been in an abusive relationship you need to re-align your boundaries and learn to spot red flags far sooner.

Despite a lack of support from friends and family, you seem very clear in your mind about what you want: it to be over, and space from him.

Now you need to find the support to help you get there. hellsbells and others have given you a good list of ideas.

By the way, just because he thinks you should leave the house, doesn't mean you have to. You may decide it is easier if you do, but decide what you want based on what's best for the DCs and you, not him.

I could have written this too......my dh does nothing with the children or within the home. Apparently outer children are only good for one thing......following his orders

If the children or I say no to him, he flips out. Living like this is horrible

Wow I'm Really overwhelmed with all the advice from you all. It's really hitting home knowing that it's not just in my head with how he treats me. And to think the majority of you think he's a horrible person is making me wonder if I've given him more credit than he deserves. I think my mum will support me a lot more than last time. She started to come around to the idea last time just before I thought I'd come to my senses. And I do Have my best friend who I could turn to, even though she was the one who convinced me to go back to him last year, these last few months she's seen herself what he can be like with me And said if it was her partner she wouldn't put up with iT. I must be a lot stronger than I think otherwise I wouldn't have gone on with it all for so long surely? I know I don't have to leave the house but I can't go through what I did last time again. I stayed on the settee for the first week before I went to my friends and it felt more like months of torture! He wouldnt let me have any money apart from child tax credits to buy my own food and anything I needed and still expected me to pay for some bills just because I was still living there. He works full time. I wasn't working back then, so he was bringing in triple to what I was 'allowed' it was probably just to spite me for wanting to leave which I don't blame him for being bitter for but it felt like he was thinking of his own feelings and not our children. He seemed to make sure he made it hell for me to stay there so I had no option but to leave just to get away from him. I can't do that again. I have to make a clean break from the house and everything. I guess sometimes I've got to take the hardest way out. Someone just please tell me if it will get better. I'm so petrified of what's going to Happen.

It will get a lot better, about the time you have your own place. You will be amazed how quickly you feel more yourself.

So, now to planning. Don't breathe a word to him till it's all planned. Can you start putting a little money aside secretly for an escape fund? Is there any chance he could see this thread? Are you using private browsing?

I'm sure I could sneak some money to my mum every week providing she's completely on my side. I think this time she will be when she hears my full story. I've even sat and thought of all the pro's And con's in him to make sure what I'm feeling is right and there's a whole list of con's and maybe only 5 pro's! I don't think he will see this Thread I delete my browser history after every time I come on and I'm on my phone which has Always been Near me so I don't think I need to worry about that. It's all just so stressful and I'm in a bit of a panic at the moment. All I can do is wait and see what my mum thinks about it all. She's the only person who can really help me On the financial side of things and a place I can go for the time being from when I do tell him.

It will be so much better away from him.
I've never seen a thread on here where someone regrets leaving.
The only regret they have when they have got away is 'why the hell didn't I do this sooner'
I really hope your mum can help you.
Do you have your own bank account?
If not then open one and get any tax credits and benefits put directly into it.
Start to get important documents away and to your mum.
Passports, marriage certs, birth certs, etc.....
I with you all the best.

And do speak to Women's Aid and see what support they can give with your planning.

I hope it goes well, talking to your mum.

My XH was like this. Note 'X'.
The children are more relaxed and happier, my world doesn't revolve around eggshell tiptoeing and I feel free.

'What do you want to talk about then?' Yep, got that. And eating out. Such a nob. Leave now and never consider a bandaid baby to make everything better.

Melplant my dear, we are going through similar issues but I am clearly stronger than you and guess what dear, you have to be strong somehow for yourself and your kids. I signed up to this website to create a thread on meeting new mums, so we can go out weekends with the kids, parks, swimming etc that way when I leave husband, i will occupy myself and kids and not let his begging sway me back into his life. These kind of men who beg when you leave but never change, with a great sense of humour which makes everyone out there think they are the best are the CRUELLEST OF MEN. They are manipulators.
I work full time mainly because my marriage wasn't going on the way i wanted so i worked so incase i needed to leave at anytime, i would be able to support myself and kids even though things will be much tighter.
You need to be strong and not listen to anyone, I have cut off contact from lots of friends and family so i will be able to make my decision to leave without anyone convincing me otherwise so woman you need to get your acts together, forget emotions, stop being negative, plot out the plan and go from there, make up your mind to leave because these sort of men never change
Let me know if you will like to talk on the phone, i will be happy to listen but mind you my message is clear, leave the man, i don't want to speak to anyone who hasnt made their mind up etc