He doesn't want to tell DS

[whogrewoutoftheterribletwos]

DH and I are separating. It's been a long time coming and, though it's a confusing time, for the best for us all. For the time being though we're staying in the same house in separate rooms. In a couple of weeks DH starts a new job in a different city and will be travelling back at the weekends to stay. I may or may not arrange to be somewhere else those weekends.

DS is nearly 9 and is quite an emotional boy. He's already been asking questions about parents separating and why we're in different rooms. We've evaded them so far but I think it best we tell him what's going on before DH starts his new job. To put my feelings in context: my parents divorced when I was young (I was 7 at the time) and my mother refused to talk to us about anything that was going on, whereas my father did. We valued and respected my father far more because he showed the same courtesy to us. There was about 6 months of my father living in the basement before he moved out though and it was horrible and confusing because we didn't know what was going on.

We had agreed to tell DS last week but DH said he wanted to think about what he was going to say. Now DH thinks he doesn't need to know and is refusing to tell him. I said I'd tell him on my own if he wouldn't do it with me, to which his response was "No. You. Won't". I got irritated by his tone and then he left the room saying he wasn't going to discuss the issue as clearly I'm not being rational.

Is he right? Should we not tell him? I'm sick of him dictating terms and don't think it's fair on DS who is old enough to recognise that something's not right. Sorry about the long, rambling post

You must tell him! My parents also divorced at the same age as yours and it's terribly cruel to leave a child wondering what's going on.

Be clear with him about what's happening but think carefully about your answer if he asks why. My mum, IMO, was too honest with us when my parents divorced - father's infidelity was discussed in far too much detail and we were too young to realise we shouldn't have been privy to those details at that age.

Good luck! You are absolutely right in telling ds.

I agree, you do need to tell him. Children know when something is going on and you are running the risk of him making up a story in his own head about what is going on. Or in the worst case scenario, blaming himself.

what on earth does your dh expect to happen, that you will pretend it hasn't happened for the next ten years?

You are in the right.

I think your dh has his head in the sand.

Does he think he can get out of what will undoubtedly be a painful conversation for all of you, by claiming it's best for ds to be kept in the dark?

I can see he doesn't want to hurt ds, but some things are unavoidable and it will definitely be worse for ds if he isn't told. I would imagine he already knows.

Exactly how does dh imagine you and he will manage future relationships, is ds not to ever know about them? Does dh think ds will thank you for lying to him for years until dh eventually decides ds should know?

Dh is bonkers. It's kinder to tell ds now, no matter how much it hurts.

I think you have to be as upfront as possible. Try to be specific about timing and details of what you know. Make sure that your DS is reassured that he is loved and hasn't done anything wrong.

My parents seperated, we were told that it was going to happen but it didn't for a long time and I thought that if I was very well behaved it would change their mind.

Then out of the blue one parent moved out, I was on a residential Brownies trip at the time and came home to a situation where the parent had moved out. It was the not knowing that made it even worse.

Kids need to be able to trust their parents. Liars (even with the best of intentions) makes people wonder what else they are lying about.

Your son will know many kids in his class with separated parents.

He'll also know there are kids in his school that are nice enough, but whom he doesn't want to hang around with. That's your explaination right there for your separation.

Unfortunately for him, he's no longer in charge of what you say or do, if he ever was. CLue is in the fact that you're separating.

He said No. You. Won't? Well, he can say that as often and with as much emphasis as he likes but it doesn't change anything. Respond with "Yes. I. Will. So you'd either better arrange to be there when I do, or let me get on with it on my own."

Thanks for all your replies. I've said to him that he's trying to pretend it's not happening. He thinks there's no need to say anything until we 'split' properly - we bought a house a couple of years ago that needs a lot of work and have decided to try to do it up before selling, so to a certain extent we're tied here for now. We can't really afford to run 2 households a the moment (I was a SAHM for 8 years and now am returning to study) which is why we're both staying here, albeit in different rooms. I'm thinking that when he's home at the weekends I find somewhere else to stay though as it's not looking like this is going to work for very long.

I've been telling him he needs to tell his mother which he also refuses to do. He says he doesn't want the world to know his private business. When it comes to DS, though, I've pointed out that this isn't just his private business, it's mine and the kid's too, and as such he has a right to know what's going on.

BTW we also have DD but she's not yet 2, so telling her isn't as much of an issue.

I should maybe mention that his parents split when he was 5 and he didn't know anything until his Dad moved out. This is why he thinks it best to keep DS in the dark. I have pointed out that DS is older and clearly knows something is up. DH claims he's just a kid and won't understand. I don't believe in patronising and underestimating children.