Newly single, I'm really struggling. How can I make it get easier?

[HenriettaBarnet]

I'm getting divorced and H has been gone about 3 weeks. We were together since we were 18 (im 44 now) and had a hideous few years where I think that H just stopped loving me. He became nasty and abusive and really unpleasant and I stayed with him thinking it would get better. He stayed with me for the children I think, but didn't tell me that until recently. (He now denies it, but for me it makes sense that he seemed to stop tolerating me ).

It was pretty intolerable and I called it a day a few weeks ago (H nicely told me then I should have ended it earlier and it was all my fault).

I know that it is the right thing, but I'm feeling so sad today. I feel on the edge of tears. Weekend was hard has he has the chidlren on a Sunday and I feel alone.

I just want it to get better. What can I do to make it easier? I am at work and just want to cry today.

Do you exercise? Can you spend Sunday's doing something you enjoy for you like a walk somewhere beautiful? I think the early days are just getting through one day at a time and going through the motions. You were with him a very long time, you will need time to grieve.

Remember the times he was nasty and abusive and unpleasant and hold onto them. You don't deserve that, he doesn't deserve you.

Henrietta Sorry you are going through, I split from my X after being tog for 20 years, 14 months ago, it does get better I promise. For now just try and be kind to yourself, keep busy, see friends and do lovely things with the kids. How old?
Keep posting here it will help many of us know how it feels

Be kind to yourself, take some time to do things you enjoy and maybe plan some things with your children over the coming weeks and months that you can look forward to.

Sending you unMumsnetty hugs OP. You will be grieving for the loss of your relationship and you need to know that that is ok. It may also take time for you to regain your sense of identity outside of the relationship and that is normal and natural.

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so rotten. After such a long marriage it must be a real shock to your system. I think you have to give yourself some time and accept that it will hurt for a while, but things will get better (sorry I know that's a cliché and probably doesn't help right now.)

Can you plan to do some nice things next Sunday (or whenever he has the kids and you feel alone)? Do you have family nearby that you could visit, or go for a long walk, see a film (I love going to the cinema on my own! No need to share the popcorn!), or anything else that you fancy?

I would also try to plan some things you can do in the evenings once the kids are in bed just so you start building new routines and are not constantly thinking "If he was still here we'd be watching the news right now..." For example have a nice bubble bath before bed, or watch trashy TV that he never would have approved of (or something more intellectual if it was the other way around!)

Things will get better, I promise.

I just find it hard in the evenings being on my own. I'm not that good with my own company really.

I can't exercise due to an injury unfortunately.

Yes, I do remind myself of the bad times, but it just makes me feel worse. I can't believe he stayed with me because he didn't want to leave the children but didn't give me the choice about the whole thing. It just makes me angry that he stopped loving me when I was in it for the long haul. It's a whole readjustment to my life that I didn't expect (not to mention the financial bleakness of it all).

He's just getting on with his life.

sorry I'm feeling sorry for myself today. I have felt much more positive but have crashed today.

I have been there. It is awful when you spend your whole time dreading the weekend, because you fear the loneliness. My mood used to really tank on a Sunday.

My advice is this: sit down and get a pad of paper, and write out your dreams. What would you really like to do, both professionally and personally and for others? For your work life: have you always dreamt of being a lawyer or a meteorologist or a conservationist? Or of starting your own business? You can do that now, with this time! For your personal life - have you thought that it would be nice to learn to cook, or to paint or to speak a new language? See what courses are available near you! What about for others - could you use your skills to volunteer locally, for a charity that's close to your heart? Could you catch up with friends you've not seen for ages? (Don't be embarrassed - they are feeling as guilty as you are about it!) Even forming a pub quiz team can be surprisingly helpful.

You've put everyone else first for long enough - now is your time to fulfil your ambitions. The trouble is, you need to find out what they are again! So book stuff up - book in courses, planning sessions, volunteering work - fill your time so that you're busy doing social things and find out how awesome you are at all kinds of things you never had the chance of doing before.

thanks everyone. I hope it does get better because it's feeling rubbish at the moment. I've just realised its the long weekend this weekend and I don't really have any plans. A lovely friend has invited me and the children to hers on Sunday for a night but I need to work out how to do that.

I am in my dream job already actually, but need to leave it because it doesn't pay enough money. Another thing to feel angry with H about.

have just rejoined the gym (need to do rehab for my injury and then hopefully can whip my body into shape) but will think about what else I can do to live my dreams (beside travelling the world which is what I really want to do!).

No words of advice op just sympathy as I'm in almost the exact same situation (one week in to it today)

It was very hard seeing him take my babies.
Yesterday I went to the cinema by myself for the first time ever which was difficult but good.

Hopefully we will get there soon.

yes ninetynine I feel very angry with H that he is taking my children away from me for half of the weekend just because he has decided he doesn't love me anymore.

Maybe I'll be more rational about it in the future, but at the moment it really hurts.

and now he's just emailed me telling me how good I looked yesterday (in my pjs with greasy morning hair!). He's messing with my head. aarrrgh!

going through the same only its 7 yrs together with children.
I also feel mad that i have to not be with my children for every other weekend because he is a fool.
iv started going for a run when i dont have the kids and trying to plan things to do by myself.
i wouldnt make any quick thoughts about leaving your job. you need to keep hold of things that you do love!
keep strong!!!!!!! And also tell people. its hard to talk about it but i was shocked on how many people have come forward to offer help/ someone to talk to.

Oh OP I feel for you. It's tough at the start, but a year in and I genuinely love it. Things that work for me are going for very long walks at the weekend - nothing too strenuous but free, healthy and a good endorphin boost, I also save up the housework some weekends then blitz it to loud music, life drawing classes are fun, I have a good friend who takes me out to the the theatre, art galleries are much more enjoyable minus kids, and on those zero energy days books and boxed sets let me chill, as do knitting, painting, quilting and learning crochet. I made a New Years resolution to contemplate dating this year but tbh I've still not got round to it as I'm enjoying finding out who I am first. If evenings are tough then I'd look at some online learning, get a new string to your bow out of this heartache. Good luck and I wish you courage and strength for this groundbreaking year for you x x

I really feel for you - my husband left in October and it still takes its toll now although much less. I have lost weight (no bad thing) and wonder how my future will pan out. But I did want to let you know - and I rarely contribute to posts - that it does get easier. I feel free now and am starting to spend money on myself without worrying about how to justify the expense. My relationship with the kids is closer than ever and they really appreciate how hard I have worked to create stability for them in the midst of the turmoil created by him leaving unexpectedly. I can also exercise more and look really fit! My next step is to brave the world of internet dating. So, hang on in there, take care of yourself and know that great things will happen for you - you still have so much life and love left to have and receive. Hang on in there and love yourself xxxx

thanks all. The worse thing is that I just don't really understand what's happened - H won't really say what he has been thinking and I just go round and round trying to work it all out.

I now think that he told me I looked good the other day to boost my confidence - to make himself and me feel better that I'll find someone else maybe. In fact I'm now wondering whether he's got another woman lined up.

I just want to stop thinking about it all.