Help for teenagers who have been exposed to domestic abuse

[MissSmila]

Wonderfully, my friend has recently been able to ask her husband to leave after years of abuse, and although he wants to move back in she is holding firm. She has been amazing through months of turmoil, and has held it together so well.

What is upsetting her now is that she coming to realise the effects of the abuse on her children (early teens). Although they are very different personalities and have reacted in different ways, she can see that they need lots of support - and especially with her son, she needs lots of help. He has always struggled with anxiety and often reacts violently (she has lots of holes punched in the walls), and although she felt initially he was doing better when his father moved out, he is now being intimidating towards her - and of course, agression and shouting are all he has ever known.

Social services have been involved, not entirely helpfully (but that's a whole other thread about whether they can end up making things worse in cases of DV - I sat in on some of the meetings she had with them and saw a range of responses, from helpful to useless and actively dangerous). They seem not to be able to offer anything to her son in terms of programmes and support, and neither does WA; there might be something from the NSPCC but her son will very soon be too old to access it.

Leaving aside the question of whether her DS will be prepared to talk to anyone - which is a big issue - what kind of help should she be looking for? My guess is they need some counselling together and her DC probably need something on their own, and my friend needs some guidance on how to parent a teenage boy, struggling at school, with anxiety and anger issues and who seems to do what he wants without much reference to her.

Any ideas? Do private counsellors do this sort of thing, and where would we find one for her if so? Is there a Freedom programme for teenagers? Any books that might be helpful? Or a website? Personal individual help would be best, I think - but any place to start would be great.

She was tearful when I saw her yesterday and I'd love to be able to point her to anything that might help.

Bump?

The only thing I can suggest is the book 21st Century Boys by Sue Palmer.

Would school by any help

Well done to your friend.

Thanks, will check that book out.

I don't think the school have been particularly useful but I could ask her if they could offer her any help. She said yesterday that she wants to go straight in with the best quality help she can find as she's worried she may only get one shot at it with him.

Try seeing the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS. They tend to work closely with the schools so it might also be possible to get a referral there, especially if he is acting out or falling behind at school.

Waiting lists for CAMHS is usually very long - 14 months where I am. Where in the country is she? A local youth counselling service might be best - with some research you could probably find someone with relevant knowledge and experience.

I think she has had dealings with CAMHS when he was younger, but maybe she could go back to them if she can get referred.

She's in Hampshire, don't know how long the waiting lists are.

Will google youth counselling, thank you. Or is family counselling more what she needs?

It would probably be more effective for his mental health if he sees a counsellor alone, for now. She could perhaps go to some sessions or drop in for 10-15 mins at the end of the session if there's something he wants to discuss with her.

(That's how I did it with my son - he was referred to CAMHS after his dad died and he had been in an abusive living situation with his birth mum, including DV and him being physically attacked. He was having a lot of anger issues then, we had the punched walls and so on. I developed a really good rapport with his counsellor although she always kept strict confidentiality with him and wouldn't tell me anything unless he agreed first. But she was great as I could call her and say "DS has done this and I reacted this way and it's all kicked off, should I stand my ground, am I doing this the right way" and she would help me think about compromises, or whether I should stick firm, etc. She also taught him a lot of techniques for managing his anger and stopping self harming. I did get him a private counsellor initially but he actually got on better with the CAMHS lady - possibly she just had more experience.)

Could she try to get her GP to refer him to CAMHS? My GP referred dd (for other reasons) CAMHS are overstretched and under budget, but they can put you in touch with Young People's Services who provide counselling.

There is a freedom programme for teenagers- a local refuge that I used ran one. I can't remember what it was called, and they have since closed and taken down their website, but they ran several groups for different age groups. Maybe contact a local domestic violence charity (if you still have one) and ask for the details of local groups?

Thank you all for your recommendations, and for sharing your experiences, pocketsaviour - that counsellor sounds great. Hoping we can find something similar for friend's DS.

Not sure if this will be any good for your friend's DS but she could
try contacting Barnado's. They provided a counsellor for my nephew when he was having a lot of problems after his dad left home.

Relate also good for teen counselling, and only £25 a session which was less than I'd expected.

OP, might be worth looking at this youth counselling service covering Hampshire. They also seem to offer help with fees if needed.

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_children_young_people/counselling_children_young_people