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Relationships

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Original poster

DP seems oblivious to my feelings. AMBU?

21 replies

crumpetsarered · 30/03/2015 10:08

Been with DP for 3 years. He talks about marriage, family and buying a place next year. Says all the right things. Unfortunately hes worked away a lot recently, and this was meant to come to an end this month but will now go on until Christmas. I dont really mind the time to myself, (though it can be a strain when you dont have proper time together on a regular basis), and in the past DP has been great about talking and organising nice things when he is home and still being a full part of my life. Recently, however, he seems to have become what I feel is completely selfish and thoughtless where I am concerned. Something that really has started to hurt is his cancellation/lack of organisation of our plans.

An example is this morning a text stating that hed not realised he was working on Friday (he assumed he wasnt working as it was bank hol). We had planned to have a long weekend together, and have a dvd day on Friday and I had booked a surprise afternoon out for him (think boys toys afternoon). Although he didnt know about this, he knew I was hugely looking forward to this extra day together, as we had been apart so much recently. I am being unfair to expect an apology and an attempt to say but we could go on Friday or but we could make Thursday a film night etc etc.. ie to offer another option to the weekend to make up for his lack of organisation and letting me down again? I told him I was upset at his text, and he said he was sorry but it was out of his control. If it were me, I would have made absolutely sure I knew which days off I had as I would know that that information also affects my DP if we make plans. He has worked for years at this place and the policy has never changed apparently. (last 3 years he has worked away so it hasnt come up in our conversarion for me to be aware). I also find it quite insulting that he doesnt think that perhaps I would like to make other plans on bank holiday rather than making plans with him just for him to let me down last minute...i actually cancelled seeing my friend because me and DP had made these plans.

There are loads of examples of this, where he claims to have just forgotten, made a mistake etc, but he never seems sorry/rarely actually says sorry and doesnt make the effort to organise anything or make it up to me when this happens. I have addressed it with him and he claims he is sorry abnd im being dramatic. There is no other woman, and I have asked him many times if he is no longer interested in the relationship and he claims that he is.

I feel utterly fed up and he makes me feel like Im being completely unfair for doing so. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

Original poster

crumpetsarered · 30/03/2015 10:09

apologies for the random ? !!!!

OP posts:

dubdurbs · 30/03/2015 10:18

If i'm being honest, you are being over dramatic about it. I get that it's hard being away from your DP, and that you were looking forward to seeing him, but he can't help having to work. He's already apologised to you, so really what more he can do? This sounds like a minor hiccup, and you're having a tough time and have perhaps made a mountain out of a molehill, so I would suggest that you sit down and tell him how hard you're finding it recently.

Original poster

crumpetsarered · 30/03/2015 10:20

I have done that many, many times. This just feels like one thing after another, and there was no apology until I asked him why he didnt feel like he needed to say he was sorry.

It just seems like everything is constantly about him and his life, to the extent where he wont even take responsibiltiy for cancelling/re-organising our plans for yet another week running.

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 30/03/2015 10:26

But the OP isn't saying he should not go into work - she's complaining about the way that he communicates and the fact that he doesn't try to make up for these mistakes/sudden changes of plans. I don't think it's unreasonable to be peed off if you always come last on someone's priority list.

I do think you need to take a stand, crumpet, and tell him how this makes you feel. Make sure that it sounds very rational, though, e.g. 'I understand that you have to work, and that plans change suddenly, and I have always been OK with that. But I do think it would be nice if you could arrange alternatives when these things happen, and to make sure that you do have time booked off so that we can spend some nice days together. On Friday, I had planned something special for you - an X, Y and Z - and I feel sad that we're not going to get that time together now. If you can't invest more time in our relationship, I'm going to have to think very carefully about our future together, because I deserve better than to come last all the time'. (NB Don't say that last bit unless you mean it, because this could be a real crunch point in the relationship).

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 10:37

sorry it sounds like your being a bit precious. why would he apologise that hes having to work - hes right its out of his control so its not something he has done to offend you.

Original poster

crumpetsarered · 30/03/2015 10:39

because it's one in a long list of things he has let me down on. aside from that, I find it a little unfaor of him to not have checked this and taken responsibility before making plans and arrangements that once again he cant keep. I certainly wouldnt have neglected to check this if it were the other way around.

OP posts:

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 30/03/2015 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

crumpetsarered · 30/03/2015 10:42

yes, that pretty much sums the whole thing up!

I realise that these things happen and people do forget things and that's just life... but I can't honestly recall the last time I 'couldnt make it' or 'forgot' something, whereas it seems to be a regular occurance with DP.

OP posts:

googoodolly · 30/03/2015 10:42

I'm with you, OP. You're not unreasonable or "dramatic" to want your DP to consider you in his plans and to want to come first occasionally.

I'm sure he doesn't have to accept every bit of overtime or every shift swap either - he can CHOOSE to work the extra which might be okay most of the time, but YANBU to want to come first sometimes and to want your pre-existing plans to come first.

I guess it depends whether you're willing to put up with it for another 9 months and whether that will be the end seeing as all this working away was meant to be finished already. Is he worth waiting for?

Box5883284322679964228 · 30/03/2015 10:42

I probably would arrange more things with my friends and let him book/organise days out for a while.

shovetheholly · 30/03/2015 10:45

I read it that he as too disorganized to check his hours and book the time off properly, and then her plans for Friday went to the wall because he had said that he had the time off, but got it wrong and suddenly had to work???

Original poster

crumpetsarered · 30/03/2015 10:49

googooddolly I thought he was worth it. I just feel like he literally doesnt care. and the more I ask him if he does, the more pathetic i feel and degraded. it feels like the more effort i put in, the less he seems to. and I've told him so many times that he is completely different to how he used to be with me and that he has become lazy in the relationship, but he just doesnt see it at all. he genuinyl feels like he does all he can. all i want is a sincere apology and concern that once again he's been too sloppy to ensure he has made plans with me that he can keep. that's all i want - honesty, openness and sincerity. i'm just fed up of feeling constantly messed around by him.

as an aside, the last thing i messaged him was that it didnt matter and that i was just fed up that i had booked a surprise for him that was going to be missed. .... no response (and he's read it).

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 30/03/2015 11:15

Time to move on. Sounds like he likes the convenience of a girlfriend, but doesn't want to put any effort in to taking care of you or the relationship,. It won't get any better with time - if he is already treating like you like a second class citizen in the relationship, I can't image it will change.
He has his priorities and you have yours, but is doesn't sound like they are compatible.

Letmejustsaythis · 30/03/2015 11:22

He is obviously not putting much effort in and doesn't feel he needs to. It is probably his way of saying he's not that bothered, especially if he didn't used to be like that.

It sounds as if you are taking the relationship far more seriously than him.

I must say though that I wouldn't like it if someone was organising my time too much eg if I was committed to a 'dvd day' on a bank holiday or surprise treats on my day off. I would feel claustrophobic. Some people like to go with the flow.

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 11:24

googoodolly you said I'm sure he doesn't have to accept every bit of overtime or every shift swap either - he can CHOOSE to work the extra which might be okay most of the time

you don't know any of that is true - your just making it up.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 30/03/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 30/03/2015 13:58

Nobody HAS to take every bit of overtime going peggy, don't be daft. People CHOOSE it, for whatever reason - the money, to get put forward for a promotion, because they love their job...doesn't matter, but no boss can force you to change shifts last minute or work on days you're not contracted - that's not guesswork, it's the law!

OP, it sounds like you're fed up generally and that this incident is the final straw, tbh. If he wanted to spend those times with you, he would. That's the end of it, really. If someone wants to talk to you or spend time with you, they will. I think you need to decide whether he's worth all this upset and disappointment - if you have no DC together, it's probably best to cut your loses.

peggyundercrackers · 30/03/2015 17:21

googoodolly erm.... I think you will find lots of people have to work like that no matter what the law says a lot of contracts say you work as and when required - if you don't like it find another job.

pocketsaviour · 30/03/2015 17:34

Yeah depending on the industry and his contract he could be required to work "reasonable" amounts of overtime - "reasonable" to be defined by the tribunal judge when he claims for constructive dismissal ;-)

But back to OP...
it feels like the more effort i put in, the less he seems to.
I think in this case, I would cease putting in any effort for a while - say two weeks - and treat him with the indifference he's giving you. He may suddenly have an about-face, in which case you're sorted. If he doesn't change, then sadly it seems like it may be right to call time on the relationship.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 30/03/2015 17:53

I just feel like he literally doesnt care. and the more I ask him if he does, the more pathetic i feel and degraded.

If someone's behaviour makes you feel that they don't care, if you have to ask repeatedly if they care, you've already got your answer.

If your relationship is making you feel pathetic and degraded, it is not a good relationship.

MrsRossPoldark · 30/03/2015 18:08

My DH has started a new job last October & works afh most of the time and I am finding it very hard to adjust to him not being here. He often seems to spend all weekend asleep, doesn't help with kids, won't book annual leave when I ask him to (although he has now - only took 3 weeks!). We are gradually adjusting and learning to really talk to each other when he is home, and that includes telling him clearly how I feel about things. He's certainly not a mind reader and I do find that he sees things in a different way to me.

However, your DP has been working away for some time & this sounds like a very sudden change in your relationship. Whatever you do, please don't stop talking. But be very clear about how it's making you feel or he won't take you seriously.

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