Help with teen...

[blowhole1]

Hi all,
I'm after some advice as I'm in the throws of an argument with my teenage daughter and don't know what to do to resolve things. I gave her a lot of money (for me) yesterday so she could go out with friends to a theme park. She knows it's a lot of money and I said she'd have to earn it. So today I ask her to load the dishwasher and get a point blank 'no'. I pointed out she had this money yesterday and that she knew I expected her to do some chores etc in return. She again refused and stomped upstairs. I admit I lost it a bit and threw the plates into the sink, smashing them in anger. I can't believe she's behaved so spoilt. I can however believe I reacted this way as I can't stand such spoilt behaviour. Anyway, we haven't spoken much for the rest of the day but I hate it! It's almost bedtime and I want to resolve things but don't know how. I know it wasn't ok to smash the plates but it's also not ok to take all that money then refuse to help when I ask. It's just the two of us if that's relevant. Please tell me what to do. Ignore? Speak in the morning? Apologise? Thanks,

How old is she?? I think I would have made her earn it before the day out. Not very helpful now I know.
I think I would let her stew tonight and try to talk it through in the morning.

I would very calmly walk into her room and very quietly say something along the lines of 'The £** was a lot of money for me and (if you work) tell her you work a lot of hours just to earn that amount. All you asked for in return was a few chores and she couldn't even load the dishwasher' I would then leave the room - do not engage any further and go to bed.

I'd apologise but explain that you got angry because you were so upset that she wouldn't keep to the agreement.

She's 13. I would usually make her earn it first but the theme park was only arranged on Friday so trusted her to do a few chores in return. Yes, I work, and work hard. I suppose I'm disappointed that she doesn't see that and seems to just expect stuff/money for nothing. I've tried hard not to raise her like that. I also feel ashamed of myself for reacting like that. Kids! I think I'll leve it till the morning. It feels bad doing that but think she maybe needs some thinking time too. Thanks for your replies x

I would second apologising, especially if you aren't usually a shouty crashy sort of household. She might be a bit scared, and / or she might also be hiding her own misdemeanour behind telling herself you're mad and totally overreacted.

I blow up at my teenage daughter sometimes, its often her who apologises first but sometimes me and that does generally open the door to her apologising too.

Don't know anything about your usual relationship but could this work for you too. Personally I wouldn't be able to 'go to sleep on the argument' but that's me. Hard to advise more specifically without more background though. Hope you manage to resolve it though.

I'm always upfront with my daughter in that when she's nive she gets more, when she's not so good I'll not put myself out to please her.

If she's not behaving she be told her behaviour isn't up to scratch and she'll be the one missing out.

Key thing is, she knows I mean what I say and am consistent. If I make a promise I keep it, if I make an ultima I keep to that too.

OK, I know this is a huge generalisation, but teenagers are often hugely selfish and only focused on their own needs and don't think of the effect on anyone else, so try not to take it personally (Tough one I know!)
I don't see what you have to apologise for - you didn't theow plates at her. Think I'd follow Forum Donkey's advice and give her something to think about
But it's really important to lay down the rules and what is expected - and stick to it. And when she asks for cash up front the next time, say no and why!

Apologise for what?

smashing your own plates??

Well, you'll know what to do next time she wants money-tell her to earn it first!

I would inderstand some grumbling and dragging of feet from a 13 year old, but a point blank 'no', I'm pretty shocked about. I feel you need to get a bit stricter with her. Exert some control. What will the battles be like at 17?!

I agree MyChild

We would never had said a direct "no" to our parents, anymore than ours would to us!

I don't go out to work, but I still don't expect to have to do everything!

They want clothes that are cleaned & ironed & to eat meals!

It doesn't happen by magic & as teens they need to have a clue!

Yo wouldn't apologise either to be honest.
Let her think it's furgitten untill she next asks for something (let's face it she's going to as it's the holidays) then casually say NO.
Like she did to you.
Explain the chores are still outstanding and need to be completed before yiu even consider further money/activities/lifts.
My dd is the same age and has done the same and that is how I tackled it.

I'd talk to her this morning and explain that you're really disappointed because you worked hard to earn that money and wanted her to have a nice day out and she's let you down by not helping you around the house. I'd also let her know that you won't be lending her money again on that basis. If she's anything like my dd, it won't be long before the next time she asks. She'll quickly learn if you stick to your guns and don't give in.

I understand how you feel upset- it's not nice to feel you have lost control of yourself and the situation.
I think you'd make more progress by telling her how you found her reaction hurtful rather than going in all guns blazing looking for a fight over it.

Also, a lot depends on what is the norm for these things in your family; has she been brought up with a chores= reward system or has this been sprung on her on this occasion? Maybe it's worth thinking about what she does around the house that would be expected of her at her age ( without being 'paid') and what counts as extra help that would earn her some more pocket money. It really is the whole pocket money debate- do kids get it for nothing or do they have to earn it? Or a mix of both?

I know it's easy with hindsight but in future if she wants extra money for something then you need to lay down the rules first: ie if I give you £X then the deal is you will do XYZ for me in return. If she agrees but doesn't follow through, when she wants money again in future you just say no.

I think you need to be clear in your own head what you are happy to pay for and what you expect back- and give her clear and consistent boundaries beforehand. It's much harder after the event.

I think all you can do now is talk to her when you are both feeling a bit calmer. Tell her her behaviour was hurtful and how you are going to manage her requests for money from now on.