"Pre mediation chat"

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Sorry I can't figure out how to link to my previous posts on here but looking for some more advice from you all :)

So "D"H moved out over 7 weeks ago, this was after many years of EA and finally me asking him to leave after he threatened suicide in front of the DCs. Not because he was depressed but because he was angry at me (he still thinks this makes it ok....).

So since then he has continued with the crying although it's now only as he is leaving. He hasn't tried to kiss me again, or sniff my hair, or ask for one of my jumpers to sleep with

He is however like human pinball machine, trying anything to press my buttons and get me to take him back. His latest tactic is to scare me into what I'm not entitled to. He wants the DC 50/50, wants me to go back to work full time, tells me I will only get a tiny house in a crap area. You get the jist. Luckily I have seen two solicitors so know that's pretty much bollocks.

He doesn't want us to consult solicitors (!) and to do it all ourselves amicably. So he's happy to go to mediation but wants us to have a "pre mediation chat" first. At lunchtime today. In it we are going to talk about how much "realistically" I will get, putting house on market, division of house contents and (almost as an afterthought) the children.

Any ideas how to keep calm during this? I lost my temper last night with him when he came for dinner, left a mess behind in the kitchen and then fell asleep putting the DC to bed. He views me losing my temper as a "win to him" because I have tried so hard to be calm.

I know. I need to look at all of those but I almost don't want to fall back into that. It has taken me a huge amount of strength to get past all that and be where I am. I'm scared to slip back into it.

Well I think I could have had fun with a list of my unreasonable behaviours...my failures to cook more than three types of veg with Sunday roasts, my inability to clean the house properly (ie dusting tops of door frames), my selfishness in working on a Saturday afternoon for a year and expecting him to look after his children......

Toast

There is a whole host of examples of his own unreasonable behaviours in the threads you have posted about him.

His mediation chat with you went pretty much as expected then, he will never be reasonable because he is at heart inherently unreasonable and a bad influence on your children. His sole intention was to make you feel bad, to punish you and it worked because he did make you feel rubbish afterwards. Why did you at all put your own self through that humiliating chat at all?. Its a question you should really ask yourself.

I would also be talking to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances if you have not done so already.

I would not enter mediation with this man at all citing his emotional abuse and unreasonable behaviours.

I sincerely hope your Solicitor is damn good because its going to take someone really good to deal with the likes of him.

Mediation with this man is going to be a complete and utter waste of time, money and effort. He will never ever be reasonable and will use every single legal process at his disposal to beat you about the head with emotionally speaking as "punishment" for you having the gall in his eyes to leave him. He will drag this all out for as long as he possibly can, if he sees an advantage on his part of taking this to court then he will do so. This is all about power and control ultimately; that is what he wants over you and such controlling men do not let go of their victims at all easily.

Sounds a lot like my xh, my solicitor suggested writing the first, the worst and the last, I kept it mild because he was being fairly amicable at the time and I just wanted it done before he decided to be difficult. He still hit the roof when he read it - the truth hurts! Good luck and stay strong

I don't have a choice in regard to mediation. If the mediator feels it won't work then they can sign to say so, but we have to have tried that process.

And yes I shouldn't have chatted with him but I am being reasonable, that isn't going to change. He can play this however he wants, my "demands" in this are completely what I'm entitled to.

That's exactly what mine said, those words!! Mine has asked for 15, going from bland to terrible. That way she is ready for whatever kind of solicitor he gets. And she has advised to go for nothing too bad to keep him calm, humiliation generally makes this type worse apparently and I can totally see that.

I would still talk to the Solicitor about having to do mediation at all. I bet he's looking forward to it, its another tool in his arsenal to use against you. Honestly it will be an utter waste of a morning.

He is playing this to destroy you, that is what he wants. He knows that you are reasonable and will use that reasonable against you to your overall detriment. You have always co-operated with your abuser, the abuser never co-operates.

Yes I've talked to the mediator and using the one she has recommended (again I'm in the driving seat by it being my choice). It's something I HAVE to do. I'd rather not waste an hour with it but I have to do it.

And tbh I know him well, he is scared of what I'm going to tell people. He knows I could use all kinds of reasons for the divorce and he will be embarrassed to discuss those with a solicitor (or anybody).