I've messed up big time

[whatwasithinking14]

I don't know what to do. I'm happily married, been together 10 years and I have just kissed my best friend. I feel like I'm making excuses but my child died 6 months ago, friend has recently told me he is having a baby and for some reason we got drunk and one thing led to another. I pulled away straight away but I feel disgusted in my self, I encouraged it and I can't undo what has happened. If anything I would have thought it would have happened when dh was self medicating with alcohol but everything had been good recently. Do I tell dh? I hate my self, I feel like I have ruined everything, how can I look dh in the eye??

Oh sweetheart, your child died six months ago. That's hardly any time at all. You're not making excuses- the context of the situation is entirely relevant. Your emotions will of course still be completely all over the place. Sometimes we all do things we're not proud of and in situations like this out own reactions can be strange and confusing. But actually, I think the fact you pulled away shows you realised it was a bad idea straight away. And you didn't continue the kiss.
So be kind to yourself. Be kind to DH too- don't tell him. You don't need to.

I shouldn't have said don't tell DH do categorically- if, you really feel you must, then you could. That option is there. But my advice would be, for now, to see if you can move past it without telling. If not, you can think again. Others may disagree.

Also I'm so sorry for your loss.

But its always going to be there now, every time I look at him I'll know I've betrayed him. I knew what was happening, towards the end of the night I knew it was gearing up to a kiss and I let it happen, just when dh and I were getting back on track. I don't know who I am.

I am so sorry for your loss

Please don't be too hard on yourself. Losing a child is the most traumatic thing to deal with. I have witnessed the raw grief it brings.

If you feel you should tell your DH then do but only when you are ready.

Wow you've had a lot to cope with recently so please don't be too hard on yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss you must be having such a difficult time and are bound to be all over the place.

So you've had a one off kiss that you've pulled away from, not something to chuck a marriage away over. If anything use it as a wake up call to mending your marriage. Was it just a moment of madness or do you actually want more from your best friend? If you don't then put it behind. If it was me I wouldn't tell dh as why cause more strife during what must already be a difficult time for you both.

Try spending more together time with your dh and less time with your best friend. It would probably do you good to cease contact with your friend now as things may be awkward between you two from now on. Focus on the good points of your marriage and see if you can make it work. Have you been to counselling together for your loss? Grief can bring out the worst in people. Anyone going through grief can become so consumed by their own pain that it's easy to take relationships for granted. It's hard enough just getting through everyday life without having to put loads of effort into relationships but it's something that must be done in order to move forward, no matter how hard.

You have not betrayed your dh. You simply are not yourself just now, how could you be? Have you had any bereavement counselling? 6 months is such a short time.

Not had counselling, dh has coped with it all by drinking heavily. I have cleaned up hismess and helped him to bed more than a few times. I feel very much that I am the one helpingnothers rather than anyone helping me. Things seemed to have been turning a corner though so I don't get why I did it now, dh hadn't been stupidly drunk for a week and whilst that doesn't seem like a long time, believe me it is. I want nothing other than friendship from my best friend hut we do have history and from this it seems that he would want more. I have told him I cannot speak to him for the time being. I know saying something to dh would ruin our marriage but to me, no matter what the circumstances, I have gone against my vows. I feel sick.

i am sorry to say it but your friend did not behave like a friend to you. If anyone should feel bad it's him.

it very much sounds like both you and your dh need some help to process your grief. You reached out to your friend for comfort that your dh maybe hasn't been able to give to you just now. you have done nothing wrong.

would you like to tell us about your child? its ok. you don't have to and maybe this isn't the thread but i know there are parents on here who have suffered the same loss you have and woild be able to help you find the specialist help you need.

do not tell

I think I'm with shirley in this instance.

You have both been through too much and as long as it doesn't happen again, why cause more pain for something that was a one off and when you are in a deep grieving process.

I usually say tell but this won't help either of you.

I don't think I could even bring myself to say the words to him. Thank you, whilst your words have helped me understand what I have done a little bit more, I still can't believe I could be so stupid. The death was sudden and unexpected and it knocked us for six, as did the news of friends baby. I just don't know how I'm going to live with the guilt. I know I didn't sleep with him but the deceipt is still the same. Also would have liked to have remained friends but I think given the situation that just can't happen. He said he didn't have feelings for me any more but his actions say otherwise, don't think we can come back from that. Feel like this will be following me round for the rest of my marriage, I take my vows seriously yet I do something like this.

please stop beating yourself up. put this behind you and watch your drinking !

op you are not your self , so sorry for your loss

I wouldn't tell your Dh. If you know it categorically won't happen again you don't want to put more strain on your marriage at this awful time. It was just a kiss, in grief maybe trying to escape to a different place for just a short while.

Process it in your head for what it is and put it behind you. I don't think your friend was being a good friend either. He shouldn't be taking advantage of some one some vulnerable.

Be kind to your self

First off dump the friend.

He is going to have a child so guessing is in a relationship. Yet the first thing he does is uses your vulnerability to try and mess around on his pregnant partner.

You don't need a friend like that.

Your H has been so wrapped up in his grief he had been unable to support you. No wonder you turned to a friend for comfort.

Do try to get some support for yourself. You have been through a massive trauma and need it.

Write this one off as your version of your H puking one night.

Oh, goodness. Please try to stop feeling guilty.
It was just a kiss, no more and never will be anymore than one kiss.

Most of us can only imagine your grief and what you have gone through and will continue to go through.

Telling your DH will not make anything better.

Are you having counselling for your loss?
Could you talk to the counsellor about this.

Was obviously very drunk as was so sick in the night, I'm not usually like this. Looking at it this morning there wasn't an actual kiss, he just tried to stick hid tongue down my throat and I pulled away, no interaction iyswim. I still feel so awful and stupid. Am avoiding friend and focusing on my marriage, that's all I can do. I feel awful that I can look at dh and pretend nothing happened, I hope I can move past this.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do you think maybe because you had a good week with your DH that you let your guard (and hair) down when you weren't really ready?

Try to be kinder to yourself, and ditch the friend, he knows what you're going through and still complicated your life further by kissing you.

I think that yes, I probably did let my guard down but I am by no means innocent, I knew I was flirting and I knew what direction it was heading but I didn't stop it. Been friends for a very long time and were overly close at one time with him saying he loved me and us having some kind of physical relationship. I thought we were past all that. I think in a way I wanted to wind the clock back to a less complicated time. It has been hell recentlyand we have alot of work to get our marriage back on track. I have enabled dh's drinking for a very long time and I think this happening has highlighted how much we both need to change. Have spoken to friend and he has apologised, I have said we can't see each other and he understands completely. Thank you all for your support, I feel more hopeful about being anle to sort everything out.

I think in a way I wanted to wind the clock back to a less complicated time

YES! This is it exactly, lovely.

Please, please don't torture yourself further.

Hold your DH close, you will grieve in different ways but you will learn to cope with this awful, terrible, tragic time together.

Think about it this way.

What kind of man makes a move on his drunk grieving and vulnerable friend while his partner is carrying his child?

Not a very nice one. And not a friend.

You were flirting, there is no law against that, but a decent man would have ignored it and helped you home. He didnt, he took advantage. You've learned what kind of man this "friend" is and I think you have done the right thing in distancing yourself from him.

What Bogey said. I feel sorry for his partner. You made a mistake, you've had an horrific time, what's his excuse? Create some distance, concentrate on husband.

Hang on. You had too much to drink and snogged a guy who's not your DH and once you realised what you were doing you stopped.

That's not betrayal, that's just getting pissed and being stupid.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

If you'd realised what you were doing and kept on doing it that's betraying your DH

My sympathies for your terrible loss but as for this - forget it. Don't tell DH you both have too much to get over to bother about something as silly as this.