Does DH want out of our marriage

[VixforVictory]

DH has lots of financial worries at the moment and we're having to work through the ins and out of it all. For the last three days, it feels like I can't say anything at all. I am being accused of being judgemental when in reality, I need to know where things stand so that we can resolve them.

We've never been ones to have falling outs but whenever we did, every so often he'd say something along the lines that I could always end the relationship if that was what I wanted. Since we got married a couple of months ago, and since the financial side of things have really started to fall apart, he's been saying that more and more often. It doesn't matter how many times I've explained how much it hurts me, everything is "you know what to do then, don't you?".

I've asked him if his commitment and love for me / us has gone but he assures me that his feelings haven't changed. Sure enough, he looks after me/ us as well as he's ever done and is just as attentive, but he's on a full on defensive & attacking mode and I don't know what to do.

Wow, so according to your husband, every problems should be solved by divorce. You do have a problem here.

I know, it's ridiculous and he's chosen to ignore how it makes me feel and how it makes a mockery of the commitment that we've made.

The way I see it is that he's gone from being this super-guy with two high-profile jobs, quite a bit of glitz & limelight, plenty of cash to treat us etc to suddenly having a local job where he doesn't get to see many people, no limelight and having to count the days until the next pay day.

If he wasn't still looking after us / me so well, I would have accepted by now that he no longer loves me. However, that hasn't changed but he's a very materialistic person and add to that the fact that he's now just about paying his way with household bills, so I can only think that he's self-esteem is taking a huge hit and that he feels that he's let me / us down. I just don't know what to do about it. Right now, he doesn't seem to listen to a word I say, to be honest, unless it's something that gives him a reason to turn on me again.

Actually no. I think he's looking for reassurance that you don't want out. It sounds like he's insecure and needs constant reassurance which is tedious but will lessen over time. Focusing on the individual problems. Stress that WE will sort this out together.

When I say looking after us, I don't mean financially but with the things that require work such as domestic stuff, little gestures etc.

winky thank you, that was what I thought. That was what I thought and I did just that this again this afternoon (the WE conversation) but then he had another go at me and back to the "you know what to do then..."

He sounds depressed, and I agree with PP that it's insecurity.

I also wonder if one of his parents used to say that to the other as a way to end all arguments.

If he thinks getting divorced will end your financial problems he clearly has no idea how expensive divorce is.

Sit him down at a point when you are not arguing and just remind him you married him, you are going nowhere. Don't carry it on into a discussion of other stuff. Just that. You are going nowhere.

The next time he does the you know what to do in an argument, ignore it and stick to the point.

pocket not sure as his parents are still together but if he grew up hearing it, it may make it trivial in his ears?

I can see how certain things that I've said in the past are probably playing in this mind. When I explained the reasons for my divorce, for example, I made it clear that exh was a walking disaster and that in the end, I got tired of resolving problems / carrying him on my shoulders. He also knows that in that past, I have chosen to stay on my own for a long period of time rather than date for the sake of it or embark on a relationship unless I felt that the person was really worth it - and I've always made a point of saying that "I worked very hard to have the stability and peace that we have now" and there was no way that I was going to let somebody else upset that. Obviously, I am repeating things out of context here but I am starting to suspect that those things must be playing in his mind. Yes, he has suddenly brought lots of problems upon us but the thought of ending our relationship / marriage has never crossed my mind!

What do I do? Do I ignore the comments and focus on resolving the issue? Why is he taking it out on me instead of seeing us as a team, working together, which is what I keep saying?

mink ok, good suggestion. I've noticed that as I am talking and explaining, he suddenly switches off. Then not long after, we are back to the same thing again which shows that he wasn't listening to me. Probably because it wasn't what he wanted / needed me to say!

So I said the right things and things seemed to be calming down... Today, we went on a 7 hour round trip to collect DH's second car so that he can sell it (long story). I am not familiar with the route whereas he has done it thousands of times. He calls me as we are on the road (driving first and second cars respectively) to say for me to stop at this service station, just as I am driving past it and I could barely hear him. In the meantime, I missed the sat nav' instructions to come off at the next junction as I was on the phone to DH. He calls again later on to try and arrange another service stop (no junction number or indication of how far down the motorway) and asks if I am just driving around mindlessly or following instructions. As we get into a debate, he says tells me that I should have 'read the f* (I hate swearing) signs'. Instead of giving me practical information or just leaving me alone so that I could pay attention to the sat nav, he actually found it within himself to swear and have a go at me! I've driven all those hours, without a break, to help him because that's what you do as a team. My Sunday has been a write-off, and unlike him who's in teaching and has got two weeks off, I've got work tomorrow.

That doesn't sound good. Has he been like this before? It sounds very impatient and disrespectful of the fact you'd given up your day off to do him a favour. I'm also not really sure why you'd need coordinated rest breaks anyway if you were using the sat nav?

He might be having a hard time imagining why you would want to stay with him if he doesn't have a well-paying job. This is especially true if you have complained in the past about carrying your ex on your shoulders. A lot of men (and some women) derive self-worth from their job or their salary, which can be a problem if those things go away.

Tell him what specific things you love about him, what specific things you appreciate his doing for you and the family.