What options do I have now - totally stuck

[Shuang]

I posted briefly before about my story but it was a while back. To sum up (long summary though):

• Marriage turned cold for years including sexual rejection from (ex) husband for years after the birth of our son, who is nearly four now.
• Discovered his year-long affair by OW turning up on my doorstop last May. Save lots of details here but reader I, extremely stupidly, let him stay!! fast forward 5 months, found out they continued during the period we were supposed to 'work things out'.
• Mutually agreed separation, under the same roof temporarily. He said he would give notice to our second property, a flat being rented out, and move there as soon as it is vacant. In theory 3 months' later as it is the length of notice period.

Then -

One day he said he would speed things up and move out at the end of January instead of February as the theoretical notice time. Well suited me.

Then end of January he was still here. I asked him what was happening with the flat. He shouted at me and said the tenants were having difficulty finding their next place so can't move out yet

End of February, he was still here.

In-between, his mother passed away. With funeral and everything I didn't push for the moving or filing for divorce etc.

Once everything is done, I thought he had run out of excuses. Boom, he lost his job about a week ago. He can't afford to move to the flat without an income (and the current income from the rent).

I didn't push. He is set to inherit money from his parents' estate but there will be at least six months' wait so it won't help getting him out in the near future.

The problem is: he has unstable behaviour. one moment/day he is pleasant and helpful, the next, like tonight, a grade A arsehole by being shouty aggressive argumentative many times in front of DS.

So wise mumsnetters please help me think through two things and work out my options:

1. How can I get him out? If not possible at all without his consent, what's the consequence of me moving out with DS to a rented property?
2. I can't wait to go and see my solicitor to start the divorce process on Monday. Am I in the same position to do so as when he is employed maintenance etc. wise?

Okay there is the 3rd question actually. He insisted on separation first and then divorce on the ground of 2-year separation because he doesn't want to be blamed alone for the failed marriage (it would be adultery or unreasonable behaviour if I file for divorce now). Any solution/advice for this everyone? I said to him he could divorce me on the ground of adultery or unreasonable behaviour and I would sign it - he wouldn't do it.

Have I really rambled for so long? Sorry. And thanks in advance!

Just to add a bit more info/examples.

What happened tonight was: DS has been poorly all day and threw up as we were finishing dinner. His dad almost never ate meals with us by the way so he was, as always, locked up in his office, which can be accessed only by walking through the garden.

So I cleaned up the mess, got DS undressed and took him upstairs for a shower. I called, yes called his dad, and told him about what happened and asked him to sterilise the area I just cleaned with kitchen towel. Half way during the call, he hung up on me. I was furious and went downstairs to challenge him. He got all aggressive and angry and said: all I wanted to hear was where he threw up so I could sterilise it. I don't need to know the full history of the event. I shouted back and he followed me upstairs to continue the aggressive behaviour in front of DS.

It happens very often.

He is unofficially alcoholic. In his office, hundreds of empty beer cans are piled up over months now already up to his desk level. Seriously. It is sickening and depressing. He is a heavy smoker. He threw cigarette butts in front of his office door in the garden. At the moment there are easily hundreds of them, blown all over the garden with the strong wind today.

I can't possible describe with all the words how much I regret having not kicked him out following discovery of his affair. Now I am stuck without knowing a viable way out.

You do need the legal advice you're going for on Monday.
I just wanted to say this though: he doesn't get to decide how you divorce him. Don't offer again to let him divorce you for adultery. Sure, you're choice if you let him blame you for UB, but you mustn't lie and say you were adulterous.

I'd divorce him for adultery. If he doesn't contest it, you don't need proof (been there, done that). If he does contest it, do him for UB and use the affair as one example of the UB. Fuck him. Like I said - simply, he doesn't get to decide this.

Good luck.

Cabrinha - yes that's exactly what I want to say now, fuck him. I am fuming now and have told him what an ungrateful bastard he has been.

I have been taking it carefully as I don't want to create a hostile atmosphere for DS but apparently amicable is not an option for me. He has also offered financial conditions after he receives his inheritance for me to accept the 2-year separation proposal (my solicitor said it was a good deal). At the moment I just want to get out. He can fuck off with his inheritance. I know it is not very sensible but on the other hand also not fair to subject DS to a toxic environment.

I will speak to the solicitor on Monday to check but thanks that's a very good point re: not lie about adultery from my side.

I wondered if DS will have access to the record of our divorce (and details of it) if he so wishes in the future...

I asked my solicitor that question - as I was worried about my child getting curious one day, looking it up, and discovering her father is a prostitute using arsehole
I was told that the fact of the divorce - names and dates is a matter of public record, but everything else, grounds and supporting comments, is not.

Don't lose out financially. He is obviously desperate not to be divorced for adultery / UB if he's offering money. Play that to your advantage, up the ante via your solicitor - the money deal, plus he moves out NOW.
So what that he lost his job? Get another one.
The absolute minimum he could do, is move into his separate home office. He can wash in a bucket, the cheating pig!

The thing I don't understand is his desperation not to be divorced for adultery/UB. If it is not in public record, what is the big deal?

Finance wise, he can't do anything until the money is his, which will be at least another half an year. I don't fully rely on it because it is just his words.

He has been trying to find another job and I want him to more than himself! Few interviews but no luck so far. Honestly after tonight's episode, I just want to call a taxi and go to stay in a hotel.

I have to LOL re: wash in a bucket. Trust me, there is no room to move around in the office and we are talking about a garage size one. That is what keeps me going with leaving him - I need to take my son away from this. But sadly he will go and spend time with his dad after the separation/divorce so he will continue to see.

It sucks.