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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop/deal with these feelings?

18 replies

HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 28/03/2015 14:25

Not sure if this is the right place to post this so feel free to redirect me Grin

I apologise if this is garbled but I have so many things spinning around my head, I just need to get it all out.

I had a baby when I was 23. The father didn't want to be involved, left the country and I've heard nothing from him since.

When ds was 7 and asking a few questions about his dad, I tried to contact him (via FB). I had lots of helpful advice from the LP section on what to write but had no response from him. Approx 9 months later, I sent another email. Unfortunately, this message was written with no help from wise MNers and after too much alcohol was consumed Blush. It was quite a desperate email, begging for him to reply because I really needed his help. Still no reply so I left it alone.

For months and months, I kept checking my emails in the hope that he'd had a change of heart but nothing. It was like being rejected all over again but worse because now ds was involved (ds didn't know I'd tried to contact him).

Ds is now 12. In a few months, we're travelling to the same country that his dad lives. A couple of friends had asked if we'd be contacting him at all and suggested that I should have a conversation with ds about it because he'd possibly be thinking that this would be on the cards.

Once again, I tried to send an email via FB but there was no longer the option to do this without first being fb friends so I sent a friend request, expecting no response but feeling that I was doing the right thing for ds by at least trying. The friend request was accepted and his dad is keen to meet when we go there. There has been a fair amount of communication since and the messages are all very informal and almost as if the last 12 years didn't happen.

I keep telling myself that this is totally about ds meeting his dad and hopefully forming a positive relationship with him. However, in the depths of darkness, usually around 4am, my mind keeps drifting back in time to when I was so madly in love with this man Sad.

I feel so selfish even entertaining the thoughts of what might have been or indeed what might even be in the future but how do I stop it? I have buried these thoughts for so long and did honestly think I'd dealt with it but I guess not.

Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 28/03/2015 14:37

Your ex sounds like an immature prick who's treated your poor ds despicably. How could you possibly be interested in a person like that? I can't bear men who are so selfish and weak.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 28/03/2015 14:38

Wow, that's really tough. But amazing of you to do this for your DS in the face of 12 years of a silent brick wall. Is it possible for you to try and get access to counselling before you go? I think a bit of help from that will make the process a bit easier on you, and help you be the rock your DS will need to get him through this as well.

I really hope it is a worthwhile meeting for your DS & you find a way through with the minimum amount of heart ache. I can imagine your feelings will be all over the place. Thanks

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 28/03/2015 14:39

Although I do agree with joni's more, erm, blunt summary of your exGrin

HappyGirlNow · 28/03/2015 14:43

Not condoning his behaviour but just wanted to point out that if you message someone you're not friends with on FB it goes into a separate folder called 'other' that most people don't even know is there... I checked mine after reading about it and found messages from people I know from 3 years ago - had no idea they were there..

jonicomelately · 28/03/2015 14:46

At the risk of sounding even harsher OP, given your DP's rejection of your ds for all of his 12 years of existence, I think you should be more focused on the risks of further rejection and confusion for your ds rather than dreaming about the possibility of getting back with this man.

Original poster
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 28/03/2015 14:59

Thanks for the replies.

Not sure how to respond.

I always felt that I was the one who was rejected, not ds but I do see that I am probably in denial over that.

I think that ds needs to meet with him and form his own opinion of him.

Counselling might not be necessary. I think joni's first reply has put things into perspective Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 28/03/2015 15:02

Happygirlnow- yes, that's a possibility. Now that the messaging service has changed to messenger, my two original emails are there...that came as a bit of shock.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 28/03/2015 18:43

Hiccup
Sorry to have been so harsh but I got the feeling you needed a bit of straight talking Grin
I really hope it works out for you, but the reality is that you, your ex and your DS are unlikely to go skipping into the sunset. What will actually happen is likely to be messier, more painful but hopefully ok in the end for you and your DS.

Original poster
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 28/03/2015 19:04

Joni - absolutely no need to apologise!! It is exactly what I needed to hear! I'm not really under any illusion that this will end in us skipping off into the sunset which is why I am so frustrated with myself for letting my imagination run away with me.

Your posts actually made me drag my miserable face out of my bed (where I had spent half the afternoon, feeling sorry for myself!!) and made me get a grip!!

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 19:29

I wonder about your motivation in pursuing this man for so long under the guise of contact for your son. Does your son really want to have contact with him or are you pushing it? Are you using your son as an excuse to get in touch with him?

Tough questions but you need to be honest with yourself.

traceybaybee · 28/03/2015 19:29

Im in a similar situation to you op. Im 22 and currently nearly 30 weeks pregnant and my ex is like yours in that he has had no contact at all since i found out i was pregnant. Hes in the process of emigating to australia and im torn in two as on the one hand he will be out our lives but at the same time my son will not know his father :(

Original poster
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 29/03/2015 10:09

Tracey - sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. Do you have friends and family for support? Ds and I are very fortunate and have a close family and they all absolutely adore him. I also have some very good friends and there have been very few times where I have felt that I needed his dad's support.

Ds maybe has a completely different perspective but he is a very loved child and is a very valued member of our family.

I grew up with arguing parents who divorced when I was 11 and neither had much interest in parenting after that. I think that was far more damaging!!

I haven't been on the LP section for quite a long time but have used it in the past and have been given some excellent advice. Good luck Smile

OP posts:
traceybaybee · 29/03/2015 12:18

Yes i have a very close family and network of friends so im not alone by any means. I just wish he would of stepped up a bit but awkt well its going to be his loss and not mine :)

daisychain01 · 29/03/2015 15:52

Biology often has absolutely nothing to do with the quality of a parent child relationship.

In other words, when it gets to the point where you know there is a high probability of the person being unreliable detached and not bothered, then I'd say it is time to seriously consider moving forward, accepting reality and continue building a great life with your DS.

The sad reality is that your DS has lived the lion's share of his childhood without a meaningful relationship with the person who is his biological father. In only 5 or 6 years from now he will be either in HE or getting a job and it will become increasingly irrelevant. You have been the constant shining light in that boy's life, and you have never let him down. That's what counts.

Original poster
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 30/03/2015 11:16

Thanks for your reply, daisychain.

Tracey - good luck with your new baby when he/she is born Smile

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traceybaybee · 30/03/2015 20:11

Thank you hiccup my wee prince will hopefully be here 10wks tomorrow :) xxx

springydaffs · 30/03/2015 21:27

Hang on, though. Emotions aren't biddable, you can't tell them what to do. Well, not entirely, anyway...

I'm not surprised all this has come surging back - of course it would. You were in love with him and you had a baby with him. Those are both huge! So give yourself a break, we aren't robots..

The facts are: he is a cunt. There, that's plain and clear. He buggered off, leaving you massively in the lurch. Not a nice thing to do tbf.

I hope it goes well for your boy (though, phew, bit loaded...). It's bound to have you all over the place though, so brace yourself. Go with it, let your feelings do what they're going to do (there's no such thing as you 'shouldn't' feel this or that: you just do) - though don't splatter them all over him. He doesn't sound worth it tbh. I hope it goes well for you and you get a sense of closure xx

PS avoid alcohol while you'#re there

Original poster
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 01/04/2015 22:46

Thanks, springydaffs. I think I have things in better perspective now Smile

definitely no alcohol allowed

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