I need ME time!!!!

[applesnbears]

My ex left me and our 3yo DS 5 months ago. He does not pull his weight in looking after our son. In 5 months he has had him overnight twice (because he had family visiting who wanted to see DS). I have only been able to go out a handful of times... I'm 25!

He does not tell me one day from the next when he is planning on visiting our DS so I can never make plans for myself. I have just had a phone call to say he is coming over for 2 hours today and that is it for the weekend, despite him being away on hol the last two weekends and refusing to look after him the weekend before that. If he picks him up after nursery on a weekday (which I only get told about that day) he will only stay until 7.. I don't finish work until 6.. that doesn't give me time to go anywhere or do anything!!

I know there are people out there who don't even have this much (I don't know how they do it) and that I should be grateful that I have even this... BUT I am going out of my mind, I am so upset and fed up of being in doors all night EVERY night it is so lonely. How do you cope? I don't have any family who can help with childcare and I am the only one of my friends with a child. It infuriates me that I am left to look after our DS while he is off gallivanting around for himself and that he doesn't see there is anything wrong with this. How can I make him see this isn't fair?

It's really not acceptable for him to be letting you down (or changing his plans) at the last minute. Would it be worth seeing a solicitor to formalize arrangements?

I don't understand why you let him just turn up with little notice. You should be tougher with him. He is walking all over you. I appreciate that you want your son to see his father and want time for yourself . What about your ex partners parents, can they help?

It sounds like you need a formalised contact arrangement: set dates and times where each of you has DS.

He is messing you about, everything right now is how it suits him, and on his say-so. Time to end that, for your own peace of mind, and also to provide consistency and stability for DS.

Ask a family law solicitor. Or start with CAB first if you need advice on what steps you need to follow in order to get a formalised contact arrangement.

Given how you describe your ex, he will probably resist and make a point of not respecting any contact arrangement. So ask CAB/solicitor what happens in that case.

Good luck.

I have thought about the solicitor route (I work in a law firm but unfortunately we no longer have a family department), but really I can't see that having it in writing is going to make him step up, he just doesn't seem to care.. he has a new girlfriend and is obviously way more interested in her than spending weekends with his son.

I agree, you need to get some sort of structure set out for his contact because frankly what's he's doing is taking the piss out of you and his child.

I was a single mum to 3 before I met dh and it's tough. I tried to busy myself at night with chores so I wasn't thinking about how lonely I felt. Can you possibly get a childminder for a couple of mornings a wweek, or ask a friend to babysit once in a while?

At the moment I am probably letting him walk all over me a bit yes, as at the moment he is paying way more every week than he legally has to until DS starts school in september and I can afford everything on my own as there will be no childcare fees. Also I fear he will just stop seeing DS altogether if I start trying to control his times. His father is of no help and may have actually jumped for joy when he left us!! He has moved far away enough that means he could not have him overnight at his (his dads) on a weeknight as it would be too disruptive and tiring for DS to get to and from nursery.

I have been in this position for several years but the bottom line is if a child's father doesn't want to see them, no one can make him.

It's all very well saying don't put up with it but many fathers don't need much excuse to walk away from their commitments.

I have formal contact arrangements in place but ex still does all he can to get out of it.

It may indeed not make him step up, but it will remove his right to complain if you refuse to let him see DS when it suits him, after he has breached the arrangement.

It's an additional tool to support you, in making it so that contact doesn't just happen on a whim when it suits him. With a formal arrangement, you wouldn't, for example, be letting him come for just two hours as you are doing today. It would be the way it states in the contact arrangement, or not at all.

He may well choose the "not at all" option. Again, this is in the interests of consistency and stability for your DS.

So op, I completely sympathise. I go out of my head with boredom night after night. I do get a babysitter for the occasional night out but with the cost of taxis, drinks and babysitter it costs me a fortune. If the night involves a meal or the theatre or something, it costs me well over £100 for a night out. And then you ask yourself if it's worth it and put up with staying in.

For you the only answer is a reliable babysitter and suck up the costs.

You can make plans for yourself. You are not obliged to keep your ds permanently available in case his dad decides to drop by on a whim. It would do him good to be told 'sorry, today's not convenient, we're doing [x] or [y]'. So knock that on the head right now.

You're right, he doesn't care about his son. That's all there is to it, and it's a shame for ds but better to have him not caring far away than in the same house not caring. Children need loving parents - however many of them are loving.

Dare one ask if he is paying any child support? I think I already know the answer to that.

Realistically you need to be building up a support network. I found this very hard to do when ds was little because I was working f-t, and because he was too little to be left when we went to parties and stuff - very draining. Do you know any of the parents of his nursery friends? Can you ask your health visitor about support for lone parents?

I am 25 and in a similar situation yet my ex is slightly better as he tells me when his seeing our dd, but this could only be for 2-3 hours. He had her overnight once a month and now that's stopped completely!!

How I managed to date, is when my daughter in nursery I can go out for coffee with someone during the day. When my parents do have her the odd night, I can go out then. Have you thought of hiring a babysitter?

I know it sucks. Puts me off ever having another child again.

www.sitters.co.uk

He probably won't be reliable until your ds is a bit older and 'less hassle', pathetic as that is

its not easy, but try to find the courage to start calling the shots without fear of his reaction. if he chooses less contact, your son is losing a shitty dad. consistency is really really important for kids, selfish inconsistent adults - not so much.

From what I understand, they'll expect you to have tried mediation first, before approaching the courts; but they have to write to him to ask if he'll agree to it. If he refuses, then a court application is the next step.

However... I totally understand that it's hugely frustrating if you can't afford easily afford solicitor's costs to go through with it because there is no legal aid available. The courts are bogged down with people having to represent themselves. I think mediation is a lot cheaper or a sliding scale, but I haven't had to resort to it. Yet.

I don't have the cash for babysitters, either. A £20 night out to the cinema turns into £40-£50 if you want to use someone reputable from an agency.

because I know it's tough.

Is he paying proper maintenance at least? I really hope so.