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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where to go when you need a break from spouse?

20 replies

Blaaaaaah · 28/03/2015 10:13

I feel like I need a break from him. He's getting me down and I can't stand being around him. Even if it's just one night away. I don't want to split up, I just want to have some time to breathe.

Where can I go with my baby son to get away from him? I don't want friends and family to know we're having problems... where do people normally go under these circumstances? Staying in a hotel is expensive... I could afford a night but it seems an extravagant cost just to get away from DH. I feel like I have no options.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 28/03/2015 10:16

Do you have friends or family nearby? I'd usually go to my Mums!

Lovingfreedom · 28/03/2015 10:17

Stay with friends, go to a youth hostel or get a Groupon deal?

dreamingofblueskies · 28/03/2015 10:27

Maybe go to see family and say to them that DH has to stay behind at home to do something like attend an interview, let a tradesman in, see a long lost friend?

I know it's not ideal to have to lie, but if you need the break and don't want people to know then it's an option?

Lovingfreedom · 28/03/2015 10:29

Why do you need to lie? What's so weird about doing something without your spouse?

ShatnersBassoon · 28/03/2015 10:30

I go to my mum's quite a lot with the children but without DH, so I'd go there if I needed an escape. It wouldn't be strange, so nobody would question it.

Go to family and say DH has some messy DIY to get in with or something, and that you wanted to get the kids out of the way.

rockinrobintweet · 28/03/2015 10:30

I send DH out for the night with friends and tell him to arrange a sofa to sleep on. I don't like to disturb dc's routines though (im slightly ocd I know)

HungryDam · 28/03/2015 11:05

If it's easier for you, send DH away. Or go to a nice hotel Smile

Joysmum · 28/03/2015 11:31

Does nobody read the OP before they post? Confused

B&B's are far cheaper than hotels Wink

MadeMan · 28/03/2015 12:23

I think it's why some people have a long bath with the door locked and toilet tissue stuck in their ears to drown out the other half shouting and banging on the door because they need to use the loo.

BertieBotts · 28/03/2015 13:37

If he is abusive you can go to a refuge for a break and some headspace. It does not have to be final, 100% leaving to access that support.

Fairenuff · 28/03/2015 22:13

where do people normally go under these circumstances?

These are not 'normal' circumstances OP. What's happened?

Blaaaaaah · 28/03/2015 22:50

I am just really fed up, that's all. I posted a thread yesterday under the username TwiceLittleDragon mentioning one of our unpleasant moments, I had some trouble selecting that name again when using Mumsnet on my phone today so that's why I ended up using this stupid username. Sorry, I'll explain what's going on between us but it's a bit long-winded...

There are a few things which are taking their toll on our relationship right now:

  1. his unwillingness to extend any kindness to me, particularly we fight about him giving me a lie-in, which I haven't had in weeks, we've got a baby under one, I give him plenty of lie-ins but he's unwilling to return the favour, this is now turning into a huge issue for me as I feel it highlights an underlying lack of caring for me.
  2. I feel under attack by him all the time as it feels like he just moans about everything I do and never saying anything nice.
  3. I'm just returning to work from maternity leave meaning we really need to straighten things out at home if things are going to work smoothly
  4. He keeps taking on new projects and academic pursuits when I wish he'd just devote more time to me and the baby. I feel like I've spent far too much time looking after the baby on my own and staying out of his way while he gets his "important" but completely voluntary projects done, meanwhile I have failed my own masters degree through lack of support, and get no "me time" to do my own things.
  5. not a great sex life - he wants it a lot more than I do.
  6. I feel jealous of his many many achievements in the last year or so while I've been on mat leave

We argue over a lot of these things and it's just going from bad to worse. Hence wanting to get out. I thought things had improved today and that we'd agreed on a plan. Then as we got into bed I found out he's still not planning on giving me a lie in tomorrow despite me having waited weeks now, I was so angry I have now decamped myself to the uncomfortable bed in spare room. If it sounds like I'm really obsessed with this lie-in thing, it's because I am!

I might have to copy and paste that long explanation onto the other thread now as people were asking what the issues were...

I feel so crap Sad

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 28/03/2015 22:56

Op I remember your thread!

I think you do need a break. Can you stay at your mums and say Dh is painting? B&b are cheap

Joyfulldeathsquad · 28/03/2015 23:02

The balance of life can get unequal when a new baby comes in to the mix if one of the parents is really good at managing things and the other is happy to let them struggle.

You have to kick back and start looking out for you. He would change if he wanted to.

Romeyroo · 29/03/2015 07:15

I posted on your other thread - is he an academic? There are of course caring, lovely academic men, but the demands of the job mean that usually those who are successful have a partner doing the legwork at home, or else there needs to be a good level of understanding of co-operation for both partners to flourish. You are starting from a position of inequality, as he has already failed to recognise your own aspirations and support you to complete your own Masters, and without that understanding and co-operation.

My XH was (still is) an academic, and we are separated, and I would describe the way our relationship ended up as abusive, so you need to read anything I say through that lens. I never had a lie in in the six years we were together; in fact, he de-camped from our bedroom when DS was born. It is a massive issue because you are no doubt exhausted from looking after a baby, who may or may not still be night-waking, and he is not respecting that you have needs to rest.

This does not bode well for your return to work, I am afraid, as you will be in the position of having to get back into the swing of things at your own job, settle your baby into childcare and still presumably function on less rest than him; it is not clear from your post that you have much support/agreement on how things will work domestically, and if he is always off doing things at work, and sees his job as more important, you are on a sticky wicket already for getting him to pull his weight at home.

Sex: of course you don't want sex because it means more time that you don't sleep!! As I said on your other thread, sex becomes about more taking, rather than a reciprocal act of intimacy.

I personally would go to friends or family who you trust - you do not need to go into details, just that things are a bit difficult, you don't want to separate, but you need some space for a night or two. Good friends or family will be able to look after baby a bit so you can rest. (And sometimes, it actually does help to talk over difficulties with someone else in RL who knows you both; equally you can say, do you mind if we don't talk about my home life at the moment, there is nothing serious to worry about, I am just wanting a bit of time to be somewhere else?).

How long have you got before you need to go back to work?

Duckdeamon · 29/03/2015 07:38

I saw your other thread OP. Is your H the one saying that you being home with your DD was bad for her development and that you should "get a grip" when you raised understandable concerns about the transition to childcare?

It sounds to me from your new OP here that he might well be emotionally abusive. In which case you won't be able to reason with him and he won't "see the light" and treat you well. women's organisations could help and as a pp says would not pressure you to leave.

since you're still on mat leave you could go away for more than a night or two and get a proper break. You could confide in a friend or family fully (why not? It wouldn't be disloyal and your H wouldn't know), just say that you're having a few troubles without giving any details, or just lie and say you fancied a visit and H is busy!

for lie ins you could book some childcare for a few hours early on Saturday or Sunday mornings! And go back to bed. Sitters.uk or similar service or see if any of the staff in DDs new nursery would like any additional work.

Or go to bed really really early, which will also be a good way to avoid H!

Duckdeamon · 29/03/2015 07:49

Oh, your comment about sex worried me too, pressuring you for sex while not doing his fair share of childcare and domestics, dismissing your needs and concerns and constantly criticising you? Also seems abusive.

What is your plan if on your return to work he doesn't change? Setting aside the option of leaving, suggest you work out how to make it easier on yourself. Things that I found helpful when returning to work with a one year old: getting some new work clothes (from Asda!) and lunchbox, water flask etc, online shopping, arranging a cleaner, no longer ironing H's clothes and cooking for him, finding childcare options for the odd evening or few hours at weekends (not used a lot but good to have in place) and (the relatively healthier) ready meals!

Romeyroo · 29/03/2015 08:41

Yes, to clarify - my comment about saying it is nothing serious to friends/family was to allay their concerns if you do not want to go into details; not that the situation is not serious (carrying the domestic burden whilst working, caring for a small child whilst dealing with a man who does not respect your needs or concerns is no fun; and if he does not take steps to work with you to alleviate your stress, abusive, plus in the long run will make you ill).

4seasons · 29/03/2015 17:07

If I wasn't allowed to have the odd lie -in then I would make sure he wasnt either ! Once I was up with the baby I would make sure he couldn't go back to sleep . Sure you can think of ways of making noise ! Start being a bit " harder " about what you need in the way of shared parenting. Point out that the child is his too and it's about time he realised it. Tell him that if he doesn't start pulling his weight then he can be a single parent ... and so can you . You seem to be being exactly that already but with this deadbeat needing " servicing " on top of everything else. Time to be really firm with this lazy excuse for a man. Don't worry about putting your views forcefully either. He is getting away with doing nothing except what he wants and views you as an appliance he can use as and when he likes. Things can't get any worse for you than they already are to be honest. Let him have it ( verbally )!!! He's had his way for too long . He's a parent now .. and presumably enjoyed making the baby , so now he can help to raise it. I am so angry on your behalf.

BertieBotts · 29/03/2015 22:47

Yes - from your list he is emotionally if not verbally abusive, so the refuge offer stands. From the women's aid website: "Many women stay in refuges for a break from the violence, a breathing space with time to think away from danger. Some women decide to return to their partners." (The term "violence" here applies to any kind of abuse or control, not just physical violence).

I hope that you can find some space away from him for a bit. Could you stay with a friend or family member just using the excuse "Want to make the most of the end of maternity leave to come and visit you!" - as it will, clearly, be harder to visit someone for a few days when you're at work. It gives you a nice excuse to explain why he's not coming, too - he has work.

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