I am concerned about my friends pending nuptials.

[Niamhisnotarealname]

Good Morning,

To be honest, I know that this is non of my business and there's not much (if anything) I can do. My friend, lets call her Sharon is getting married this year.
She has been with her fiance for about four years and got engaged, told her family and they set a date and started planning her wedding.
However, I am very concerned that she is just settling for the first man who has asked her to marry him. Its because I did the same thing and she is exhibiting all the same signs that I did ( such as severe procrastination) and nobody actually sat me down and asked me wether this was what I wanted. I don't know if its my place to ask this?
I also have concerns re her fiance, he can never hold down a job for more than a few months, he spends money like its unlimited is in alot of debt and she has spent the last three years supporting him whilst he does his masters at university (failing each time, this years his last chance)
He doesn't want the big wedding, he has told me this. It is a church wedding my friend wants and myself and the fiance are both atheist and so I think that's why he asked me about it. I just told him that it was about him marrying Sharon, not god and to ignore that part because it means so much to Sharon to get married in her old 'family' church.
However he has gone on to also procrastinate, he was in charge of invitations, suits for him and his best man and the photographer. He sent invites to his mum who has sent them out to his side of the family, but non to Sharon's side! She has had to do a facebook message to all those invited from her family to make sure they're there! No suits done, and she is now sorting the photographer herself (its all getting very short notice) I am worried that he doesn't want to marry her and she is going to end up with her heart broken and that they are not a good match because she is looking for reliability, stability, someone to have a family with and he doesn't seem ready for that.
I think maybe I am projecting and I feel its not my place to say anything but I do so wish someone had said something to me about my first husband. I didn't want to marry him deep down but everyone was so happy and pushing forward the wedding plans and so I just went along with it. Divorced two years later.

I don't think Sharon's a mumsnetter, but Sharon, if you do read this for some reason you will know who I am because the details will out me. I care very much about you. And you are one of my oldest friends and its because of my respect for your own life and decisions that I haven't said anything yet and I don't think I will because i think the next posters will tell me not to because they will agree its non of my business. but please take this in the caring concerned spirit that it is meant.

Thank you if you've read this far

The one thing with best friends is that you always tell the worst and forget the best.

so maybe ask her if that is what she is doing.

Just say, you haven't said anything good about df, (then list everything you can think of) and then say that is worrying you and you were wondering if it was because she never tells you the good stuff.

This gives her an out but may make her think.

I once emailed a friend who was planning to move to Aus with her boyfriend. I copied all the emails she sent to me where she talked about him. 20 pages and only one was complimentary. I told her she may not want to talk to me after this
Email but I was worried about her and here was her relationship in her own words.

Funnily enough they had broken up the night before I sent it (sat on it for a week) and it helped her decide not to get back with him. She Is now very happy with someone else.

I don't think you can really tell her negative things about her fiance, or tell her to postpone or cancel the wedding.

However, you can do what you said at the start of your post, and ask her whether this is really what she wants.

I think that's a very good question to ask.

Maybe she will hear things coming out of her own mouth that will give her pause. Whereas if they came out of your mouth, she would be most likely to get defensive. But helping her to explore her own feelings, and her own reasons for marrying him, sounds very constructive.

It may not be enough to actually halt the wedding, but it may plant a seed in her mind and help her in the long run. So just keep being there for her and supportive of her - she may need it if she does wake up one day to the fact that she is married to a feckless man.