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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like this woman is trying to worm her way in with all my friends

12 replies

DawnyLoub · 28/03/2015 00:08

A new family moved into our village a couple of years ago; their DCs attend the same school as my DCs, although none of our DCs are in the same year groups.

As the family live a few houses away from my house, initially I was quite friendly and chatty with the mum, and she would often catch up with me on the school run and walk to/from school with me. However on the school run whenever we walked with the DCs, her DD would be unkind to my DD, doing things such as trying to push my DD into the road, and pulling DD's hair. The mum would say nothing whilst her DD did these things. One afternoon the DD pushed DD really hard and DD actually fell over into the road, and the mum said nothing so I said to the other girl that it wasn't very nice to do that. The girl then screamed and cried all the way home saying that DD and I were horrible. That night the mum sent me a text saying that her DD was very upset that I'd told her off, and I sent one saying I was sorry she was upset but that it wasn't very nice of her to push DD into the road!

Since then, the mum has refused point blank to speak to me; I tried on several occasions but she turns her head away and walks off so I have stopped bothering. But since then she has seemingly made a huge effort to befriend anyone that I am friends with.

As I said, our DCs are not in the same school year, but she has recently become Facebook friends with most mums that I am good friends with from the school, and has been doing things such as inviting all of my friends round to her house for coffee, and also standing with them at school collection so that I feel I cannot stand with them. She has had nights out with some of them. And now this week she has started going to a fitness class with another friend of mine. I really do feel as though she goes out of her way to befriend anyone who is friends with me. Another friend is having a 40th birthday day out soon, which I'm going to, and I've now found out that this woman is going on that, too, so I'm going to have to make an excuse not to go!

I feel as though she has deliberately gone out of her way to befriend all of my friends. To add insult to injury, a couple of friends of hers who have DCs in the same yeargroup as her DD both refuse to speak to me too, so it's not even as though I could do the same thing to her friends as she as done to mine!

I know my friends are free to be friends with whoever they like, but the school is big, there are plenty of other mums for her to be friends with whose DCs are in the same year groups as her children, but instead I feel as though she has deliberately sought out my friends out of spite.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:10

Have you discussed what happened with any of your friends?
That might put her behaviour towards them in a different light.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2015 00:10

No, you do have to go - they are your friends too

You don't avoid events where she's there, you will look petty and petulant. You go and your polite to her and you don't slag her off behind her back.

DawnyLoub · 28/03/2015 00:11

Yes, those that I consider to be close friends all know about her behaviour.

OP posts:
sosix · 28/03/2015 00:12

Don't not go to 40th because of her. That would not help. Talk to your mates. Shes a wendy.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:13

Well, just carry on being yourself and let them figure her out.

Don't deny yourself social occasions because she might be there. If your friends see her in action then it might cement their opinion of her. Let her dig her own grave.

sosix · 28/03/2015 00:13

Look, i wouldn't miss out on an event because I didn't like someone who is going. Avoid. And enjoy!

Smorgasboard · 28/03/2015 00:40

Yes, there is a big urge to avoid someone you don't like. But it's a mistake to avoid your friends in the process. If the episode was as you say, it will not be the last time others will find her out. I had words with a close friend's child once who was exasperating me by behaviour. I could not let it go unchallenged. Somehow I don't think their mother was ignoring, more a case of 'seen this before so often I'm not reacting to it now'. Apparently, he still remembers my rebuke and holds a grudge years later. We are still good friends, despite our similar aged kids not going to ever get on - shame that but there you go, we still like each other ( I think she knows where I was coming from). Point is, she's the one with the problem, don't let her run roughshod over you and dig in till your friends realise it.

Smorgasboard · 28/03/2015 00:47

Your ex friend has the problem that is. Mine is fine I think, normal expected way to behave. I would not ditch her just because kids have a dispute like yours did - we are adults after all, despite still being in the playground sometimes Smile

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 28/03/2015 00:59

Coming from the other angle, although without the whole my kid pushed your kid onto the road bit, it's hard being the Newbie in town! It could just be as simple as you both look for similar kind of friends so it hasn't actually dawned on her she's encroaching on your 'territory'.

DawnyLoub · 28/03/2015 01:22

Oh she's definitely doing it on purpose. I have a wide range of friends rather than all one type and she seems to want to befriend them all.

I know it's hard being the newbie, I've been there myself before.

OP posts:
DailyFailSideBarOfShame · 28/03/2015 01:30

There's no way you should have to stand away from your own friends at the school gate because of her. Don't be intimidated, just go over and act as you normally would. You don't have to acknowledge that she is there directly, just say a breezy hello to everyone in general and then address your friends directly. If you refuse to be sidelined she will have to either move away herself or gradually thaw out and accept a truce. You don't have to be bosom buddies with her but it would be better all round if there could be a more neutral atmosphere between you.

a couple of friends of hers who have DCs in the same year group as her DD both refuse to speak to me too, so it's not even as though I could do the same thing to her friends as she as done to mine!

Even thinking like that sounds petty and childish on your part I'm afraid. You shouldn't be viewing this as a battle to be won and giving ir more headspace than it warrants. The longer you stand back from your own friends because of it, while seemingly plotting some sort of strategy or revenge, the more awkward it will be to reintegrate yourself among your won friendship group and it could backfire on you.

You said initially that you tried to heal the rift with her so I think you need to take the attitude that it's her problem, not yours and you will carry on as you've always done. If she can't bear to be around you she will have to remove herself from your company, not the other way around.

Laura0806 · 28/03/2015 15:42

I agree; don't let her push you away from your friends. However, given they know all about it, it could be argued that they are being slightly disloyal to you knowing that you feel left out of school conversations etc. But why miss out on evenings out for this women. Thats what she wants. I have had a simialt experience and it wasn't very nice but I had to force myself to go out (despite the awkwardness) and eventually she pulled back as she was only befriending my firends to spite me. She didn't actually have any genuine bond with them

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