This thread concerns my relationship with my parents.
Where to start. Ugh.
I am an only child. Now in mid thirties. Growing up I think my father was abusive. Physical and emotional abuse. When I say this to them, they deny and minimise it.
Physical in terms of being beaten and threatened with violence. Examples - at Sunday school (aged 8 or so) we put on a concert for the parents. I think I have some learning difficulties as at the time couldn't figure out at which point I was supposed to sing. Concert came, we performed to parents in the audience. I could see my parents grimacing. Apparently I wasn't singing at the right points on purpose. Got home and was lashed on my hand by my dad 40 times as my mum heckled support. Hand was all blue and purple afterwards.
Was routinely hit around the head. When I asked why was told because the head doesn't show bruises.
Didn't agree with my dad smoking so locked the basement door when he went out for a fag. That was naughty but was only supposed to be for a show. I wouldn't have kept him there. He smashed through the door and chased me upstairs with a knife in his hand. I locked myself in the bathroom.
A big thing was always made of my appearance. If I didn't wear my hair the way they wanted it, I was shunned. If I didn't dress how they wanted, I was beaten. I was embarrassed to wear the clothes they chose as was so different from my peers (I wanted to wear a shell suit.... Like everyone else!). When I had to start wearing glasses,my dad refused to walk next to me in the street because he said he was embarrassed.
Appearance issues were the biggest source of emotional abuse. When I didn't want to wear the jumper they chose for me when going out with a friend for the day and her family I was told by dad " you little shit. I may have to love you but I don't like you". Would spend the day with my friend on the verge of tears seeing how beautifully her father treated her.
The physical abuse stopped when I started to hit back. The emotional abuse subsided when I lived how they wanted me to I.e studied the degree they wanted and worked in the job they approved of. I talked with them on their level. Their interests. Fitting in with their very strict social aims...
They can also be very nice and supportive. But again! Only when they approve of what I am trying to do. Helping me with a deposit to buy a house for example. I don't want to throw that kindness back in their face because it has helped to set me up. I am so grateful for that.
As they've gotten older they seem to be very keen on building a relationship with me. They seem lonely almost.
But still not great. Love is conditional. If I tell the, about myself...my interests, my holidays...my plans for the future, they are negative as it doesn't fit in with their view of life. My mother is obsessed with me finding a very Naice man. Professional. Everything I do must be focused towards this. When I told her I was going on holiday with a single female friend who is in her 40s, she told me not to share a bed with her. like my friend is Some fa big raving lesbo. No that I would care but just fuck off with your judgements please.
I got some financial independence and started to give them less info about my life. So I could be myself and still interact with them. I told them I liked a guy. I told them he was a painter. They asked, what kind of art? I replied "walls".
They said, no you won't. It will never work. You don't have the same values as a working class man. I love him. I cannot love a man trotting around in salmon coloured chinos with a double chin. It's not my thing.
Living their life I felt hollow. I can only be myself.
I feel very isolated as a legacy of the past behaviour. Like I can't be myself with them. I feel like a split personality. The part I show them and the part I truly am.
They found out I was still seeing this guy (I had kept it secret as didn't want the hassle). Dad called me a liar. Every time I speak to him, he calls me a liar. Liar, he bellows. LIAR. I told him this evening on the phone that he Is abusive. A bully. That I could choose to go no contact.
i don't want to go NC. It doesn't feel right. But is there anyway I can facilitate them accepting me for me.
I feel broken.
Fucking hell.
Thanks if you've managed to read to the end x