I need some help to get my thoughts straight.
I’ve been in a 9 year relationship, we have 2 DC’s 3 and 1. We’re in a constant cycle of getting on great to rowing like cat and dog. Its come to a head and I’ve ended it (we're still under same roof though), but despite everything I don’t really want to – I love him, but we cant agree nor get along. When its good, its really good, when its bad its very bad.
Essentially our issues boil down to him lying to me, lacking responsibilities and drinking. When me and my DP first met we had a social life that revolved around eating out, drinking and partying. As time moved on we got engaged, planned a baby, and I grew up, and I feel he didn’t fully. In my first pregnancy I had to call the police for example, as I went for a weekend nap, and woke up to find him gone – no note, no phone call, text, I couldn’t reach him or any of his friends for nearly 24 hours. I reported him missing, police came for a statement and he finally showed up. He’d gone out got drunk, ignored his phone and passed out. This type of behavior gets repeated to varying degrees, and if we row he walks out, sometimes not telling me I’m in sole charge of the kids, and just goes drinking. This leads to more rows and generally him ending up on a bender for several days. Now here’s the part I’m confused about. When this happens, I get very angry – I shout, we row over text as I can’t take how angry I get in person sometimes. I call him selfish, I call him names, I say he’ll have to move out if this continues. I swear, I throw out every example of why he’s in the wrong past and present and why I’m sick of it. I bag his stuff up & end our relationship. He calls me abusive, refuses to move out, minimizes he was just going for a beer, now I've lost the plot he's staying out of my way by staying out etc. Until recently I thought I was justified in my response, but having looked into the difference between abuse and anger, I fit to abuse profile – threatening (I’ll pack your bags), name calling', shouting, using ‘you’ statements not ‘I’ etc. Now he feels justified in just leaving me to be the adult and take care of the home, pay the bills, raise the kids etc because I’m abusive apparently. I feel like I’m not given the opportunity to get away from him as he wont move out, just carries on treating the place like a hotel until things calm down.
I feel so let down all the time, so many times he’s promised to change, promised to plan nights and not just abandon me to get drunk on a whim. It’s the waste of money (we don’t have), it’s the fact I pay the bills in the main and he apparently has all this spare drinking money whilst I pay the bills first and spend on other things if there is money left, it’s the fact we have 2 small kids who often wake in the night, I work fulltime and a work at home alot in the evening too, so I’m juggling kids, work, night wakings. I feel really like I do more than my fair share and I’m let down a lot. This leads me to often belittle, berate and generally be snipey daily. I’m not a nice person at times. I feel driven to this, but I realise need to take responsibility for this behavior. I’ve ended it so many times, but he refuses to move out, so my behavior gets worse and I feel trapped with someone that wont grow up, and wont move out, and wont be the partner I need.
I had a really dysfunctional childhood, and I’m worried my childhood has impacted me. My partner says I’m abusive so he goes out to get away from me, whereas I say I’m angry with him for leaving me to take all the responsibilities and stress in the main. I get the children up, dressed and to childcare, I walk the dog, I do the food shopping, all cooking, meal planning, most of the washing and cleaning. I work 50 hours a week. I buy all gifts, toys, clothes, I deal with all household admin. He does all DIY. I pay all bills out of my account, he adhoc pays money to my account when he’s working (he’s been working to do up a property we own so not always earning – which is agreed I would cover all bills, but I’m now so heavily in debt I can’t sleep properly) . We share bedtimes with the kids. We share night wakings when he’s not been out. I frequently tell him I could do this on my own – I am already. He’s hurt by that of course.
He’s a great dad aside from the issues above, he’s fun, he’s kind, caring and lovely when we’re not in a cycle of me feeling bitter & angry, him partying etc. He works very hard indeed, and has done for our family home. I love him… BUT I’m very worn down by our relentless cycle.
There are lots of things I haven’t detailed here – but I don’t want to drip feed - We have trust issues – in the past I’ve caught him signing up to online sex websites, I’ve caught him messaging other women, he deletes everything from his email, phone history and contacts. I’m very paranoid now and do check his phone when I can get my hands on it if we’re in a rough patch. I know its not good. I know I’m not being fair but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m constantly having the wool pulled over my eyes or he’s taking this piss or lying to me, but I know a lot of this is in my head and causes rows through my own paranoia.
Oh and why did we have a 2nd baby? DD2 is a very much loved but very much unplanned.
I want to know if anyone else has experienced similar and whether it was you or them or both, and if you solved it? I feel like I’m driving myself crazzzzzzy, I don’t feel like I like myself anymore, I don’t feel like I’m setting a good example for my children, and I feel very exhausted & frustrated. I just want a calm happy life.
... and Thanks it you read this far!