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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Weekends are so much harder

27 replies

nicecupofteaforme · 27/03/2015 19:59

This is second weekend without him. Feel so alone. Being pregnant can't even have a glass of wine! Yep I guess its the thought that he is probably out and carrying on normal life while I sit here with various pregnancy complications crying my eyes out. I haven't told friends and family yet that he has left me so I can't turn to them. Just feeling super sorry for myself and could do with some support

OP posts:

thisisnow · 27/03/2015 20:08

Oh no hope you're okay. and for you. Why have you not told your family yet?

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 27/03/2015 20:12

They already don;t like him and I suppose I am still hoping we might get back together so don't want to say anything. I shouldn't hold out for him - I know long term he will run my mental health into the ground :(

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thisisnow · 27/03/2015 20:16

Arghh no why would he do that, why has he left you when you're pregnant?

Mostlyjustaluker · 27/03/2015 20:19

You need to tell your friends and family. If you do get back together you can just tell them you are back together. Is there anybody at all in RL you can confide in?

SandysMam · 27/03/2015 20:36

I don't know your back story but I can honestly say if he has left you when you are pregnant then he is an arsehole and you are better off without him. No decent bloke, no matter how scared or pissed off by pregnancy hormones they are, leaves their pregnant partner. Concentrate on your baby and try to keep yourself busy with friends and family. Tell the family tomorrow and surround yourself with love. Good luck

Rafflesway · 27/03/2015 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 27/03/2015 20:49

They think I am foolish for staying with him so long as he has dumped me so many times... just never thought he would now with baby on the way. There is no-one I can tell in RL right now. I'm up and down like a yo-yo but had a good old sob and feeling slightly more normal for the next half hour hopefully!

OP posts:

YoSaffBridge · 27/03/2015 20:52

Talk to your friends and family. I know its heard, but maybe you could see one of them this weekend and do something nice?

What complications do you have? Pregnancy, god bless it, can really suck sometimes!

YoSaffBridge · 27/03/2015 20:53

X-posts. What are you planning on watching tonight? Gogglebox is on soon. Or The Musketeers for some fine looking men

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 27/03/2015 20:57

Hehe re Musketeers :) I just saw a film on itv2 I think it was starting at 9pm - about two friends who decide to have a baby.... hopefully it might be funny, thats what I need right now. Yeah will be okay in the daytime as have DS with me, just evenings are always hardest.

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YoSaffBridge · 27/03/2015 21:06

Pick a film, and get some chocolate and wallow. Wallowing is good.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 28/03/2015 09:37

Ended up watching goggglebox and early night :) Woke at 3am in a panic but refused to engage in negative thinking and read kindle for an hour instead. DS and I have been knocked out by a really nasty cold so not to many plans for w/e, he is pretty much recovered but I am still exhausted and blocked up. Might have to be some at home plans

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ninetynineonehundred · 28/03/2015 17:26

How are you feeling today op

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 29/03/2015 10:42

Thanks for asking :) Ok, got into email arguement with him yesterday which was foolish. He said I will have to go to CSA if I want to get any maintenance from him. In the end I realised it was just about him trying to retain some control and I just ignored the last email so was pleased with myself.

Revolting weather here today, but its Sunday so can almost tick off that i have survived another weekend!

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Granville72 · 29/03/2015 14:17

Tell your family and friends. Hold your head high and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about what has happened.

It will be a massive weight off your shoulders.

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 29/03/2015 16:44

He has dumped me so many times that friends and family are just sceptical and no doubt think won't be long til we are back together. And they are right as I am so weak when it comes to him. However, it has hit me hard that he can do it to me whilst pregnant when he knows full well that I fall apart when he does it, and I wish I had the conviction to beleive I would never get back together with him. He did the same with his ex wife so I know it is his pattern not mine - but I guess I facilitate by going back. Anyway, there is that and the shame that I have failed in a relationship where a child has been born into it again :(

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ninetynineonehundred · 29/03/2015 18:05

There's no shame in going back.
But what I've learnt this week since my dh left is that i actually have more energy because I'm not using it up on hoping/arguing / explaining how i feel or what i need.

You may just feel weak because that's how the relationship makes you feel.

The shame is not yours. He is the person who is leaving a pregnant woman!
If possible tell yourself that by being strong now he won't be able to hurt baby.

And keep posting. There is lots of support here for you

CharlotteCollins · 29/03/2015 18:26

You have not failed. It takes two people to make a relationship work - you can't hold one together on your own.

Write yourself a list of all the reasons he's not good enough for you, and then put it aside and plan some nice things to do for yourself and your DS.

And don't send any texts or emails for at least an hour after you've written them - you're less likely to say something you regret later. Well done for not relying to his email earlier!

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 30/03/2015 16:45

I suggested to him that an email war was pointless and we were better to meet up and discuss sensibly. He suggested a coffee this week. I'm am still suffering big anxiety without him and waking up in night in a panic. I wonder if seeing him will make this better or put me back to square 1. It is possible when we meet that he might be apologetic and want to sort things, I don't know.

Just not sure what to do for the best

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CharlotteCollins · 30/03/2015 17:03

Email war or coffee... The other option is not to talk about it. The relationship is over, you believe it's for the best, so any talking it over now should be with your friends, not with him.

What are you hoping to gain from this coffee?

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 30/03/2015 18:33

Well via email we were 'discussing' maintenance, purchase of bigger baby items and contact.....

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CharlotteCollins · 30/03/2015 20:04

OK, fair enough.

I'm just aware that meeting up could lead to taking him back - it's as well to be on your guard and have a plan to get out if you feel you're not making sensible choices, iyswim.

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 30/03/2015 20:07

Yep. I am guessing part of me hopes he will apologise and say he will get help for his issues and want to work it out. But is is doubtful. If he is just continuing with no we can't ever be together then I almost don't want to go as it will hurt. Oooh I don't know. Confused!

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CharlotteCollins · 30/03/2015 20:11

Can you have this coffee with him and be certain that you will keep your dignity? Not beg him to take you back or anything silly?

Even if he were prepared to work on his issues, it would take six months or more to see if he was making any progress before you should consider taking him back. Especially with your feelings of anxiety and panic attacks.

Original poster

nicecupofteaforme · 30/03/2015 20:15

Yeah I wouldn't try and get back with him but would definately be weak if he made suggestions towards it. As you say, it will take time and I am not just going to go back to the way we were.

Baby is not due for a few more months so we don't even need to meet now to discuss really. He said this week and I just haven't responded yet as I can't decide what is best.

Part of me thinks how nice it would be to have the support in pregnancy again as I do struggle alone.

Sorry, going round in circles aren't I!

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