Can I save my marriage?

[Bonnie152]

Background - me and Dh been married 4 years, together 8. Two children, 2yo and 3month old.

The last year we've been through a lot - redundancy, long family illnesses resulting in death, new baby, PND & having to move from our home due to financial problems. Over this period things have been steadily getting worse with us. We're rarely intimate, don't really do much as a couple and tend to bicker a lot.

It feels like we're brother and sister more than a couple at the moment. Although he's really helpful to me and a fantastic dad he's quite thoughtless, he just treats me as someone who shares a house with him, not someone who he's in love with. I suppose I am the same back though - we just seem to be knocking along together.

Sometimes I think that if it wasn't for the children we wouldn't be together :( and I think I should leave him...but then I think of all we've got together, a marriage, a house, two beautiful children. I feel heartbroken just thinking of tearing apart their family and at the thought that my youngest would never remember a time when he lived with mummy and daddy.

We keep trying to work on things and put in more effort but nothing ever seems to change.

Has anyone else been in this kind of marriage? What was the outcome? How can I save my marriage?

Anybody?

One of you has got to make the effort to kick start the marriage. Isn there any chance of getting away for a day and night child free ? If not then make one big effort to 'seduce him'... See if that has any mileage in it. Sometimes the resentment just builds and one of you has to try and break the cycle. Give it a whirl or you can always LTB !

OP, you will find that many people will post, I expect, like me, that a baby and a toddler is a hugely, unremittingly, physically and emotionally draining season of life. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is the most either of you can manage. And that's OK, especially after what sounds like a monster of a year for you both.

Please don't make sigificant decisions about this relationship at this time, unless there is a very good reason to do so e.g. domestic violence.

I think DH and I were 'just knocking along together' for a good few years when our children were young, and now, a several years down the road we have built a stronger and more resiliant partnership than ever.

Can I make three suggestions?

Get hold of the book 'sixty minute marriage' by Rob Parsons which is both realistic and life affirming, and an easy read.

Pratice saying 'thankyou' to DH, even for little things..often this is can be the start of really appreciating the good in each other again.

Don't spend too much time on MN...I know its a great place, but many of the threads, cumulatively, make us dissatisfied (unnecessarily) with the real-life relationships we have with ordinary but essentially good men.

I hope I don't sound too 'preachy'...it seems as if you have had a lot to deal with in the past year, so go easy on yourselves

Given the tough year you have both just had, give it time and get used to a bit of normality. Arrange a date night, get dressed up and go out for a romantic meal or drinks together or like the PP said a night in a hotel without the DC and enjoy some time together. Certainly give it time to try and get things back on track.

If everything was rosy after the year you've had and with a 2yo and a 3mo it would be astonishing.

I think you are setting the bar too high.

You are in what I called the "survival" phase. If you all survive the day then that's a win. If you manage a few laughs along the way, hurray!

knocking along together is a good enough place for now.

When the DC are at school then you can work on things and put in more effort Now is not the time for relationship effort you've got two small people totally dependent on you. The relationship effort has to wait.

You're in a really tough phase of your lives at the moment. Go easy on yourselves.
I would say to him 'we're not very close at the moment are we? I'm looking forward to getting all this stuff of the last year behind us, getting out of the craziness of having a newborn, and reconnecting a bit again. Getting our intimacy back and spend some time together again'.
Hopefully you'll find he agrees with you.

Do you fancy him?

I agree with all of the above.

Can anyone babysit for you so you can go out for a couple of hours?

Life is tough with a baby and a toddler, even tougher with the extra crap that has been thrown at you.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think you're all right, I need to accept that having had a tough year it'll take time to get our relationship back on track.

Things aren't bad, we just don't make time for one another. Another big problem is that I've gained weight since having our babies and feel terrible about my body which is holding me back from intimacy. I'm working on this so hopefully that will improve things.

My mum has offered to have the children for the evening tonight whilst we go for a meal together which is very needed at the moment!

We have both downloaded the book Sixty Minute Marriage as recommended and will be reading it.

Thanks so much to you all for taking the time to reply.

MrsGuy - yes I do still find him sexy :)

OP, does your DH think that you are too be intimate with?
He no doubt loves you however big you are.

Have a lovely evening.

When I saw the age of your dc I immediately knew you should not give up.

Talk to your DH tell him you both need to accept that things are going to be a little harder for the next year or two, owing to tiredness more than anything else.

Accept that your sex life will take a hit and at times be non existent but remind yourself It is only temporary. And it is.

It all gets easier. It's about coming to terms with the changes in your life and relationship them adapting to them. Seeing the change as something to embrace rather than fight against.

Some good advice on here.

paxtecum - no my dh says he loves me and still finds me attractive no matter what but when we are intimate all I can think of is how awful I must look. I am eating better and have joined the local leisure centre so I'm hoping that I will shape up a bit.