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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been advised to cut my mum out of my life

12 replies

tumbleweed72 · 27/03/2015 14:56

Not completely sure if this is on the right board but here we go anyway....

I have been going through a counselling/group therapy programme for childhood sexual abuse, its come to an end and the last few sessions were tough ,and we spoke more about our pasts. With me the most painful and difficult aspects for me is not only the abuse, but the fact when my mum found out - I was 18, she at first didn't believe me, she then went the opposite when he admitted to it, and constantly told me not to ever tell anyone, how shameful and embarrassing it is,she invited him round the house for xmas days etc, even though she knew how much I was struggling and hurting. Its now 15 years on and I have gradually gone downhill more and more the older I get, I feel low after seeing my mum now and she is a trigger to my past memories which I need to shift, I really have to psyche myself up to be in her company - if that makes sense!

At the group the facilitator there - who was excellent, asked me why I still see her, and that it is doing me no good to do so, and she would advise to cut her out,and she was not there to support you. Has anyone advice or have been through anything like this? I'm in a bit of turmoil , but I am so desperate to heal now.

Thank you for reading,

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 27/03/2015 15:00

Why do you see your mum? And how does it make you feel when you do see her?

Is it of benefit to your life?

GoatsDoRoam · 27/03/2015 15:03

What do you want to do?

Do you think it would do you good to suspend contact with your mother?

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 15:04

Hi OP, I have a very similar situation with my mum - initial disbelief, then saying she believed me but we couldn't leave, total anger and fury at me when I told a teacher, she expected me to just keep living with him in fear every day and never mind that I could see he was grooming my little sister to start on her as well. "Oh don't be silly, he wouldn't do that, he doesn't like her like he likes you." WTAF.

After many years I have now made the decision to go no contact. I phrased this to her as I needed a break, however I think it will probably be permanent unless she can show me she has changed (which I doubt.)

It's not just anger over the past, she is a very negative person and I always feel down after seeing her. She is also really horrible about/to my son.

Original poster

tumbleweed72 · 27/03/2015 15:12

Thank you for replying
ivykaty I see her because I feel I should, she's my mum and the only one I have, but I feel absolute crap whenever I see her, she has never mentioned the past to me since the day he died and she said 'that's good we can all just forget it ever happened now' ffs!

goatsdoroam - I would like to not see her , but the guilt of what if it hurts her gets to me!

pocketsaviour, does your mum now the reason you are not in contact? I don't think mine would even put two and two together to realise.

OP posts:

SensationalGirl · 27/03/2015 15:22

Yes! Cut her out of your life. So sorry she is your mum, you deserve better.

ivykaty44 · 27/03/2015 15:26

If it makes you feel awful don't see her....

Fingeronthebutton · 27/03/2015 15:28

Cut her out of your life, and make sure you tell her why. You will feel so much better.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 15:57

OP, I chose to send my mum an email laying out why I was so angry with her, I actually found it quite cathartic. However other people go NC (no contact) with just a short text or email to say "don't contact me again" or just radio silence.

I did not expect any response from my mum apart from possibly "you're making it all up" or "your feelings are less important than mine". So if you do explain why, don't expect any closure from her side. You will be told that you're lying, mad, making things up, twisting reality, or making a fuss over nothing.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 16:01

the guilt of what if it hurts her gets to me!

Just seen that in your post. I also had a problem with this, especially thinking about "but she's a lonely old lady with no friends". Well there's a reason she's got no friends, it's because she's horrible. Her happiness is not your responsibility. She certainly never considered your feelings at the time of the abuse, nor since, by the sound of things. You are the victim here - not your mum. You do what you need to do, FOR YOU. You weren't put on this planet to meet her needs!

GoatsDoRoam · 27/03/2015 17:57

I would like to not see her , but the guilt of what if it hurts her gets to me!

So you know what you want to do. But there is guilt in the way of you taking the action that you know is the right one for you.
Now, who are you here to take care of in this life: yourself, or other people?

GoatsDoRoam · 27/03/2015 18:01

I don't think mine would even put two and two together to realise.

Even if you spelled it out to her in foot-high letters, it is doubtful she would accept your reason.
So if you want to tell her how much she hurt, betrayed, and disappointed you, by all means do it, but do it for YOU - not in order to get any kind of recognition from her, because you are unlikely to get that. If you expose yourself expecting her to acknowledge responsibility as your pay-off, you are likely to get doubly hurt.
But if you want to tell her to make a clean breast of you for You, go ahead.

something2say · 27/03/2015 18:19

I think the crux of the issues is.....she did you wrong and you know that. The consequences of that you are unable to get over and now you can no longer see her.

Her position is that you should shut up and put up and everyone sail along merrily and falsely. The two do not mix.

It really is ok for this to be out there on the table and for her to know the truth of how you feel. Maybe it would be appropriate for her to hurt x what about your being hurt? She doesn't care, yet you are the innocent party x

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