If your childhood was dysfunctional but your children are happy and secure- how did you do it?

[hazelnutnips]

Unfortunately DH and I both had dysfunctional childhoods which left their marks on us. We have both had plenty of therapy and have a strong relationship together.

We really don't want our DCs to grow up to be insecure or unhappy. We can see how our parents' distres was probably due to their own upbringing. We don't want this to be passed down another generation.

Can you share your advice for bringing up your children to be secure, loved adults, when neither of you has an experience of normal family life?

Both me and DH had slightly dis functional childhoods.
Me with a Narc father and hm with an alcoholic one. The key is to recognise that some things are NOT normal or acceptable and realise that your parents made mistakes and did certain things wrong.
Once you accept that and understand the things you should never say or do to your children you can make sure you behave differently.
In some ways it's a useful beginning because it makes you determined not to do or say certain things. For example I clearly remember the way my Mum made me feel sometimes and I am determined never to do that to my daughter. I tell her she's great and that I love her all the time.
If you don't recognise that your upbringing wasn't good and rewrite history ( which is what my brother has done) then you risk making the same mistakes.
Me and DH aren't perfect but it's very important that our DC feel loved and secure and we make sure they do.

My advice is to self reflect on a regular basis.

Listen to what comes out of your own mouth. The words of my mother come out occasionally.

Watch what others do, see how they treat their dc if you know they are good well grounded people, take on board their parenting approach (broadly speaking)

Other than that a lot of it is guess work!

Yes to lots of cuddles and I love yous!

I thought my childhood was pretty idealistic but I'm slowly realising it wasn't. My parents were completely unprepared to raise teenagers and I see now my bro and sis are peoducts of that. For example at 14 I was regularly going to nightclubs, my eldest is almost 14 and the thought of her doing that is unimaginable. What were my folks thinking? I'm much stricter than my dps and we work hard to maintain a healthy relationship. I do this by:
talking to them about how they feel
showing that I have certain expectations about behaviour and school
being openly affectionate with them
not putting up with bad behaviour
sticking to routines
ensuring there is lots of fun in the house
encouraging hobbies and activities that are good for them
forbidding negative talk in the house from kids or adults

Hope my advice is helpful.

Lots of affection, and always say sorry when you know you've got it wrong - nobody's perfect. My parents never apologised, even when they were blatantly wrong. Lots of praise too for trying their best, not just for being 'top' at something. Accept them for who they are, find what they're happy doing and encourage that. You'll be fine, part of the solution is knowing you want things to be different for your children, and recognising what was wrong for you. I've got 2 very happy, confident children and that has been the best healer for a horrific childhood. Cycles can be broken.

always say sorry when you know you've got it wrong
This is great advice, because realistically we will make some mistakes

I feel that our parents were probably best when we were little, before our needs became more complex, and we started showing our own will and personality. May be we will struggle more then as it might bring up issues for us (although I couldn't imagine that we would want to actually control our own DC, just that we don't have experience of how to encourage independence constructively). I read the teenage boards here and feel scared!

I think what would my parents do, and do the opposite!

Being serious though, I reflect in my decisions and am never afraid to say sorry if I've got it wrong. I also make an effort to not go the other way and become a disney parent.

Yes, lots and lots of praise for their efforts.

Make it clear that you love them unconditionally, and TELL them you love them regularly. Don't just assume they know it.

Lots of specific praise and comments- "you are SO good at drawing", "I loved it when you sang that song", "thank you for helping me set the table" etc...

TBH the fact that you have come on here to ask for advice speaks volumes, you are already miles ahead of any dysfunctional parents!!

And don't worry if you do muck up and say or do something wrong, no parents are perfect.....

I'm talking about this with my therapist at the moment - key messages I'm getting are

• be a 'mindful' parent, ie reflecting regularly on your behaviour and language.
• repair work. You won't get everything perfect first time. What matters is acknowledging when things don't go perfectly and talk to your child (eg, I didn't handle that well, I should have said x and I'm sorry)
• watch other parents who you think parent well and try to emulate them
• don't be too hard on yourself!

££££ of therapy, took a while to find the right one.

Cutting myself off emotionally from my family. Accepting they will never change. Now I just smile and nod at special occasions only.

Saying sorry, cuddles, saying I love you, praise praise praise, telling the truth, validating DSs feelings and showing him how to deal with them constructively. Giving him one on one time, taking an interest in his hobbies and discussing them/the school day/his friends/parties etc etc.

Being firm and consistent. No screaming shouting swearing name calling blame etc. No favouritism.

Being independent financially emotionally etc. having strong boundaries and explaining why.

DP is a gem, I am picky about who is around DS.

It's not easy but it's worth it.

For me it is being positive, saying positive things, listening to my children, talking to them, tell them about the world. There is nothing they cannot ask me. Saying sorry when I mess up or misunderstand how they were feeling. Acknowledging they are individuals, not someone to keep out of sight and quiet. Saying I love them. Backing them up and fully supporting them. They are not scared of me. Not flippantly dismissing their worries and fears. Thinking about how and why I might do something or react in a certain way -and making sure I don't react how my parents would have.

It is only after having children that I realised how odd -to say the very least- parts of my upbringing and childhood was and I was determined not to pass it on as much as possible.

I think everyone has just about covered it here.

Tell them you love them. Often.

Praise them. Often.

Never belittle them.

Believe that they can be/do anything, if they set their minds to it- and they will believe it.

Show them that you have their backs, always. Even when they're being horrible. Especially then, probably.

Be interested in them. Listen to them. Don't expect them to be mini-yous.

And lastly (in my case, anyway)- whatever your parents did, do the exact opposite.

It's a bit of a ubiquitous word nowadays, but "mindfulness".
I really take the time to think about how I parent, what I say.
Mine is only 6 though!

Although I always make the ultimate decision, I try not to think of her as less than me because she is a child. I listen to her the way I would another adult. I think she has an equal right to an opinion.

Two things I consider a lot (thanks Alfie Kohn)

1. Say yes as often as you can, when you say no, mean it.
2. Think about the adult you want your child to be, and parent in a way that encourages that. If you want her to be an adult that speaks confidently about her opinions, don't shout her down or not make time to listen when she's a child

My parents weren't horrendous, and most of their mistakes weren't meanness.

The big difference between them and what I try to achieve (Alfie Kohn again!) is unconditional love. I want my daughter to know she's good enough for me just the way she is - for who she is now, not for what she can achieve, or for how perfectly she can behave.

Attention, lots and lots of time, respect, love.