Need help to get a grip

[Confused83]

I had a short lived fling with a married guy from work and my husband found out but is prepared to try and work on our marriage. Not proud of it at all and I know this in no way justifies it but had been unhappy in my relationship for awhile, felt neglected and like hubby no longer desired me so was flattered and got carried away when this guy started showing me attention. I knew it was only a sexual thing, he made it clear that it was just some fun (he is moving abroad shortly with his job) but now I am struggling to forget him. I know in reality he doesn't really care about me & nothing would ever come out of it so why can't I stop thinking about him? Just want to be able to concentrate on fixing my marriage and I know my husband doesn't deserve any of this.

Try taking some time on your own to think it through. Your husband is willing to work on things and you CAN move forward, you just need to see it for yourself :). I would try something like art therapy to try and get it out of your system, it is different to keeping a diary, which if found by your husband might hurt him. These things take time, drawing and painting can be very cathartic. Good luck to you, it will get better. Fingers crossed for you.

Do you work in the same office? Do you bump into him? It's going to be very difficult to move on if you're constantly seeing him.

Your husband is willing to work on your marriage? Well done for pinning the blame on that poor sod. I'm not surprised you can't get the other guy out of your head...he's not giving you the attention you deserve now is he?

No we don't work in the same office so can avoid seeing him, plus he is leaving the country for good in a couple of weeks with his job so I will never see him again which makes it all the more crazy.

You are lucky your husband is willing to give you a second chance. I would recommend couples counselling.

I don't think it is lucky. I think from your OP it sounds like your marriage is over and you're not in love with your husband. That's ok but let him go. It's undignified and cruel to put him through more of this.

Could you list all your feelings like guilt, anger and sadness and try expressing them in a way which won't cause any further pain to you or your husband? It might help to get rid of some of those emotions which will impinge on your marriage.

Crikey, PulyaSochsup. Art therapy, eh...?

Would it help if you wrote OM a letter, and then burned it? Sort of symbolic moving on for you?

I also think some counselling would be a good idea. If your husband's willing to go, great. If not, just for yourself would probably be a good idea, with the goal being that you identify the reasons you had this affair, and how you're going to change your thoughts and behaviours so that this never happens again.

EG... If you loved hearing compliments from OM, what can you do to nurture that need for yourself? (don't put the responsibility on your DH, think about how you can make yourself feel happy.) Or if you got off on the excitement, what new things can you bring to your routine so that you have enough excitement in your life? Taking up a new and maybe slightly risky hobby, like rock climbing? Arranging to travel to somewhere new and exciting with DH?

There is a chance to mend your marriage but you have to be prepared to work hard and face the things in yourself that led to this. If you don't feel you can genuinely commit to that change, and monogamy is the only way for your husband, then it's kinder to let him go.

Well Pompodd, I just thought it might be a way for the OP to try to release her feelings without any greater damage. It has worked for me. Maybe then she would be free to look more clearly at her marriage. I hope something works :(.

It is not the fault of your husband that you had an affair. It is yours and yours only. Until you stop blaming him for even being partially responsible then you will get nowhere. If your marriage was intolerable then you should have got out. Clearly its not that bad or you wouldnt be trying now.

You state that it was only a sexual thing, yet you are struggling to get him out of your head. Obviously emotions are involved and you need to acknowledge this to yourself. There are always reasons why people have affairs and invariably these involve personal weaknesses. I respectfully suggest (as with pp) that you try some counselling, but only bother if you think that you might have a problem, otherwise it will be a waste of money.

It sounds that your husband is prepared to try R, but be aware that he is likely to be emotionally shattered and you have to try and help repair this. You may fail and he might ultimately leave you. You have opened up a can of worms, with huge issues of trust and betrayal involved. He is unlikely to ever fully trust you again, whatever he says at present. You have put a knife through his heart and to a certain extent it will be there forever, even if you succeed in staying together. You state that your husband didn`t deserve any of this, yet you did it to him? What does that say about you? Are you likely to do the same at some time in the future? There are so many questions that you need to honestly answer.

Marriagebuilders.com has a program to help couples after an affair. It's hard work and you won't enjoy it but does work.

You need to think about what you want.
Perhaps the reality is your marriage is over.