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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I just passed the point of no return...

22 replies

Needperspectivenow · 27/03/2015 00:51

And I would be grateful for some perspective. It's late and everything seems worse than it probably is...

I just had a night out with some old friends.Difficult to arrange as lots of childcare to sort out for all concerned etc etc, the usual.

Came home at 1120 to find DP with a face like a bulldog chewing a bag of wasps. He said he was "very annoyed" I was so late, wouldn't engage, just stared intently at his phone. I'd texted him from train a half hour earlier to say I was homeward bound and all well. No response so I presumed he was asleep!

His beef is we are going away tomorrow (late arvo) and I'd apparently "left him to do everything". If I had, I could well understand he would be cross. But not so. I washed/dried/packed/arranged stuff yesterday because I knew this evening was going to be a write off.

He got cross, I blew up and told him that given I'm an adult I wasn't aware I needed to seek his permission to stay out till a fairly normal going-out-type hour and I've left him to his epic sulk.

This is not the first time he's let rip unreasonably. In the grand scheme of things I'm awsre this is a minor thing but honestly I feel I've had enough. Life is too short for this crap. It's not me, right??

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 00:55

It's not just you, no.

That said, it doesn't mean necessarily that this is a dumping offence. You really need to talk about this when you're both fresh, rested and sober.

Carrie5608 · 27/03/2015 00:56

I am sure someone will be along with better advice soon but my advice would be go to bed sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning.

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 00:56

For background, what's your history together? Do you have children? Is he generally controlling or selfish?

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 27/03/2015 00:57

No it isn't you.

When you say 'let rip unreasonably' what do you mean by that?

notsurewot2do32 · 27/03/2015 00:57

Fuck no its not you! Is he usually cross with you when you go out? Fuck sake it really isn't that difficult to pack for some time away unless you are utterly and hopelessly useless. Women do it all the time and somehow manage to come out the other side alive.

TRexingInAsda · 27/03/2015 01:00

Sounds like he's worked himself up. It'll all blow over by tomorrow. Don't make any decisions while tipsy!

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 01:01

There's not much to do (and it sounds like you had it covered anyway) that can't be left until morning if you aren't going until late afternoon.

It even sounds like a pre-planned event, so it's not like you've sprung your night out on him. And 11.20pm is pretty early, all told, to get in.

I'm struggling to understand his problem.

sandgrown · 27/03/2015 01:02

No it is not you! I am in bed awake and fuming at my DP. He tripped up coming in tonight and dropped two bottles of wine and apparently it is my fault as there is too.much crap in the entrance ( some from his car). He stomped up to bed without speaking and dumped all of my things ,that I had boxed up after staring a clear out, on my side of the bed. He behaves like a spoilt baby and I am sick of it and life is too short!

sandgrown · 27/03/2015 01:03

Staring???starting!

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 01:03

It's shitty of him to blank you and leave you up in a distressed state to ponder your sins. Does he make a habit of this sort of thing?

Original poster

Needperspectivenow · 27/03/2015 01:04

Thanks folks for the speedy replies.

Two kids together, been together 8 yrs.

Not generally controlling but selfish, sometimes and definitely prone to flying off the handle/ strops.

OP posts:

tartyflette · 27/03/2015 01:06

It almost sounds as if he wasn't happy for you to be going out at all.... And just used the 'I had to do overything' whinge as an excuse... Does he often kick off when or after you go out?

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 01:08

Why would he kick off about a planned night out though?

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 01:09

Why would he kick off about a planned night out though?

Original poster

Needperspectivenow · 27/03/2015 01:10

Sometimes he does have a subtle dig when I have been out. I go out more that him and deep down I suspect he might be jealous of my friendships ...

OP posts:

sandgrown · 27/03/2015 01:10

I am the sort that would have a good row and clear the air but he just refuses to talk about things and bangs around and then disappears off to bed without a word. Pass me a pillow!!

sandgrown · 27/03/2015 01:13

Sorry cross post!

Original poster

Needperspectivenow · 27/03/2015 01:16

BitofFun I don't know.

He said he thought we had an "agreement I wouldn't be out late". Not my recollection: I said I wouldn't feel pressured into staying if tired/ had stuff to do...which is different, no?. Plus I don't need to agree with anyonethe precise hour of my return! I'm 43!

Shit happens. Was enjoying myself so I stayed.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 27/03/2015 01:21

I hope you get the chance to sort it out in the morning- there's nothing worse than embarking on a trip in moody silence. Good luck!

lunalelle · 27/03/2015 05:59

11.20! Is really early!

Husband goes out sometimes with friends ( not terribly often) and rolls in at 3am. Would never consider getting the hump, nor would he comment if I did it.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/03/2015 06:21

Sounds like he created a fight out of nothing. (It was a planned night out, you were home at a reasonable time, you have already prepared for your trip, and there is still plenty of time anyway).

So, he chose to engineer a fight. The question is why?

Is it poorly managed jealousy at your friendships? This could be solved by a heart to heart, and him choosing to manage his feelings and his own social life better.

Is it one of many symptoms of entitled and controlling behaviour to keep you on the back foot ? No fix for that, if it's the case.

Is it displaced anger about something else entirely? Eg. Is he taking out work anger on you or something. Again, heart to heart and change of behaviour needed.

But once again, this fight was totally engineered, since there's nothing there for anyone to be genuinely mad at.

Original poster

Needperspectivenow · 27/03/2015 08:16

I think it is probably jealousy and misplaced anger. Still fed up this morning, especially because we've all been looking forward to this holiday for ages and now there is this cloud. Grrrr.

Thank you for your responses all.

OP posts:

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