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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't take anymore :(

18 replies

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 00:31

When I first met my current partner he was an arsehole, I was a single mum with two kids and he was an immature idiot who liked to wind me up but was a friend of a friend so I saw him pretty often, years later after we hadn't been in touch and I'd had 3 more children we got chatting on Facebook through our mutual friend and he actually seemed like he'd grown into a decent guy, we met up and started a relationship, he took on my 5 children as his own and eventually ended up having a little girl, now our daughter is one and he's gradually started changing back into the arsehole he was when I first met him, he stays in bed while I have to get up every morning with the kids and get them fed and ready for school without making too much noise as he gets moody if he's woken up, he over reacts to things and shouts a lot at me and the kids and he seems more bothered about his computer than trying to sort things out, he goes on the computer nearly every night and most nights doesn't go to bed till very late so most mornings he won't get up till nearly dinnertime while I have to get up at 6, I've tried to talk to him about it and he says he'll go to the doctor but he's still not registered with one even though we've lived at our current house for over a year. His mum thinks he has Undiagnosed ADHD, she says he was difficult as a child as well but if he's not gonna sort his act out I'd rather be on my own with my kids, we've reached breaking point now and I've told him to leave a couple of times before but he's broke down in front of me and promised to change and then I've stupidly stayed with him

OP posts:

Needperspectivenow · 27/03/2015 00:56

You've got 6 kids. My thought is you do not need another one to look after. I think you would be entirely justified kicking him to the kerb.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/03/2015 06:35

He said he would change, but hasn't, even under threat of you leaving him, and more than once.

What does this tell you?

He's not going to change. So what needs to change now is your resolve, when you tell him to leave.

Otherwise things will just stay the same. Forever.

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 06:55

I've tried telling him to go, he either refuses and just shouts a lot or makes a big show of packing his bags while shouting or turns on the water works. I've thought about just taking all the kids to my sisters for a few days and telling him to pack up and leave before I get back, I've been waiting for the kids to break up for school and till I can get the money for the train fare but I don't know if he'd actually leave. Also tbh I'm worried how it's going to affect the kids him going as 2 of my boys have autism, my eldest used to have aggressive violent meltdowns and couldn't cope with change but he calmed down after my partner moved in and he's starting at high school in September so that's 2 big changes that could tip him over the edge, I feel like I'm trapped and I know I can't carry on like this

OP posts:

Starpupil · 27/03/2015 07:00

Presumably he doesn't work for a living if he can stay in bed half the day. Why not? How is he supporting his family? You say he took five children on as his own. Well he didn't if he's not providing for them.

How on earth can he think it's reasonable to let you sort out 6 children while he does nothing? And adhd doesn't make you bone idle.

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 07:11

He did work full time as a builder when we first got together but he lost his job, now he just works part time as a car park attendant for our local football club, I've suggested that he might be better going back to work full time thinking that he could be depressed with being out of work but he said that he wanted to stay home and help me with the kids till the youngest are in school full time but he doesn't even help. He thinks that cause occasionally he cleans up and makes the kids tea and looks after some of the kids while I have appointments that he's pulling his weight. He used to help out loads, at one point I didn't know what I'd do without him.

What's even more crazy is that he's said he wants another baby, he's got no chance

OP posts:

33goingon64 · 27/03/2015 07:26

Think of the future and whether you want this man as your DC's father. Sounds like you've already decided but keep focused on what will happen if you don't act. If he refuses to leave when you tell him, surely you need to get some outside help?

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 09:10

I don't want to get any outside help unless it's absolutely necessary, I want to try keep things amicable if I can for the kids sake

OP posts:

Morticia45 · 27/03/2015 09:20

It's all very well trying to keep things amicable for the kids, but this man ISN'T going to change! If he's shouting at you and moody while you're trying to keep the kids quiet when they're getting ready for school, this is effecting them in a non-positive manner. Be strong and if necessary, get in outside help to have him removed. I wish you all the very best. It's your life and you seem to be living it around keeping him 'happy'. xx

sebsmummy1 · 27/03/2015 09:21

Cat, from an outsiders POV it looks as though he very comfortably has his feet under the table at your gaff now and really has no need to work. I assume with 6 children you receive help from the state and he doesn't need to earn to keep a roof over his head? If that's the case there is no incentive to get up in the morning and it sounds as though he has got into a groove of sleeping in and doing very little day in, day out.

Would he have somewhere to go if you kicked him out? His Mum/ friends? I think it would be the best option here as at least then he might diet himself out enough to be a good father to his child. Don't fall into the game of letting him back and then kicking him out every 6 months though. If you do it you have to mean it otherwise you run the risk if fucking the kids up.

sebsmummy1 · 27/03/2015 09:22

*might sort himself out

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2015 09:26

Have u got any mates or family to come over to support you chucking him out, preferably big scary guys? He's making your life v stressful by the sound of it. I would def get rid, even if your son finds change difficult. He sounds like a leech.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 09:30

shot in the dark, but does he smoke a lot of weed?

Quitelikely · 27/03/2015 09:33

What a lazy pathetic excuse of a man and father.

He is doing nothing whilst you are doing all the legwork.

He won't change. He can't. It's who he is.

He is making you unhappy but you have the power to get him out of your life.

Don't have another child with him. He is not a good father by the sounds of it.

Manchild. Selfish. Lazy.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 09:56

I know he's not going to change and I am going to leave him but I still want him to have a relationship with his daughter. I just need support right now cause I don't have much at home, I have friends but none that're that close, the only person who knows about how he is with me and the kids is his mum and she said at first I should go to her if he kicked off but she just talked me back into going back to him, told me she thinks he has ADHD and now she just says she doesn't want to get involved. His mum still has an empty room at her house which is where he lived before he moved in with me and he also has a friend who he could stay with so he won't be homeless

OP posts:

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 09:59

Yes pocketsaviour he smokes loads of weed but not in the house or near the kids, I'm an ex smoker and even before when I did smoke I wouldn't smoke in the house

OP posts:

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 10:04

I've thought about telling my sister but she lives pretty far away from me, most of my friends are parents of autistic children and everyone has their own problems so I've not wanted to dump mine on them, everyone that knows me think we're a happy couple and that he helps out with the kids, I just feel so alone

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pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 10:12

Right, the reason I asked about the weed is because I've known a lot of heavy smokers and a lot of them get this attitude of "can't be bothered" with anything, while telling the world they "do loads around the house and with the kids".

I'm not ragging on weed, I used to smoke it myself back in the day, but it really does not fit in with having kids.

Are you in private rented or council? Is the tenancy in your name?

I do hear what you're saying about keeping a relationship with his daughter but I think you have to fix that as "nice to have" but not pin your hopes on it working out. I was very close to my ex's kids while we were together but I had to just let that go when we broke up. I know it's shit :(

Original poster

Cat1984 · 27/03/2015 12:18

I used to smoke it when I was younger too but stopped before I had kids, our house is a housing association house and only my name's on the tenancy agreement, he's just down as living here. The daughter is both our daughter, I don't want her losing her daddy or for things to be awkward when he does have contact, also my other children are very close to him too and it will affect them all badly

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