Shit parents

[Namechangefortheday]

Had a few glasses of wine so sorry if I'm a bit rambling.

I'm NC with my mother as she is evil. She has MH issues which she uses as an excuse but I think underneath, She is just plain nasty and has isolated herself from everybody. I can kind of understand her behavour due to her upbringing, but my dad had a great one and he is still a dick.

They seperated when I was a baby and he NEVER stepped up. No CS. Fobbed me off to my grandparents when he had me so he could sit in the pub all day. Never treated me like someone he cared about.

Fast forward 30 years and he is an amazing grandad to his new wife's grandkids. I see him twice a year and he lives ten mins from me. His step daughter and her DH is well off and they are all he talks about.

He has been here today and wasnt intrested in my lovely family at all. Didn't even ask about my eldest dd. He only has two bio grandkids and they are both mine. It hurts to see pictures and people commenting on them when my youngest doesn't even know who he is. It was a fucking monologue about his life and step dd and Dh. He make me feel like a ten year old again not fully part if a family.

I don't know whether to send him an email telling him how I feelor just ignore and avoid him. When he gets pissed he cries and says he has failed me yet does fuck all about it.

Sorry, not expecting anyone to reply - just needed to get it off my chest x

I am VERY tired but can understand and relate lots to this post. I shall respond properly tomorrow but you're not alone x

thanks under

I think it's very hard to accept that your bio-family is a bit shit, and not the cuddly lovely family you want. I still struggle with this, but I am getting there slowly. The lovely family I DO have are my DD, my DP and the friends I have, who are lovely and loyal. I have lowered my expectations a fair bit with bio-family. I think there are cases when it is better for your own well-being to go no contact. Only you know if this is the case with your dad. x

He brings nothing to our life sponge . He is not a 'bad ' person so going NC would cause upset. Yet I really wouldn't care if he vanished. I just feel guilty doing it

Don't feel guilty. Maybe he is just inadequate as a parent. Maybe you could just cut down how often you see him, see if you feel better as a result. So you haven't taken the NC route straight off. If your family are like mine, any conversation about how you feel when they favour other family/non family members above you and yours would just result in a hysterical outburst, so limited options in that case.

Yes sponge if I speak to my gm, who is like a mother to me, she knows what he is like but ultimately feels sorry for him?

I see him twice a year at best but recently he has text me weekly and tbh I feel like telling him to fuck off. It's just an obligatory "how are you and family' so reply " we all good how are you?" I either get no reply or a depressed message about how his life is shite. It's all just so fake. I feel like he is just opening the lines so he can tell me if he is having a bad day.

I was actually going to invest money in starting a buisness for him but he shows now intrest in my family yet his dsd is so well off why hasn't she done it if they are so close.

He actually rang me up the other day to tell me is Sd was friends with some one in Cheshire housewives . Like who gives a fuck?

I really wouldn't invest money for him tbh. You stand to be very disapointed in him (again) and lose the money. Have you considered counselling? Helped me enormously. He is off-loading on you, with no concern over how you feel as a result. Maybe find a way to avoid him doing this? Its not your job to let him dump his stuff on you, then walk away leaving you feeling bad and burdened. There is some stuff writen about bad parenting and the children feeling Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Can't remember who wrote the book. Sounds like you feel obligated and guilty, which is fairly common, but not your job, or responsibility.

Name I'm going to have to go to bed (old gimmer) but I will come back tomorow. Hope you are ok tonight x

OP he sounds a bit frightful, to be honest. He has never been a proper, let alone good, parent and he's shaping up to be a rubbish granddad.

You poor poor thing. One thing I can think of immediately that should cheer you up though - your DCs won't have to put up with him the way you did.

Do not give him any money. Do you think that's why he's been in touch recently?

thanks sponge I'm ok xx were not going to invest that money though it's been offered (feel bad about it) I'm due to have therapy soon when I get the appointment through - regarding other stuff so maybe it's somthing I'll bring up) thanks for replying . It helps

I'm sure that the therapy will help. Still hurtful though isn't it? They're supposed to love family the best, seems a bit against nature for them not to, without good reason. Often IME the second wife's family take precedence. My DP had similar issues with his father. You know, I don't even think it's always about love. Sometimes I just think it's easier for them. Makes life run smoother with second wife, who obviously prioritises her birth family. These men seem a bit spineless, and don't stand up to be counted when they need to, iuswim. Anyway, good luck with the therapy. Have you ever dipped into the Stately Homes thread on this board? Too many people with unfortunate parents on there, but a wealth of wisdom and support. x

Maybe what you need is a big upset. Having everyone feel sorry for him feels like a manipulation technique from him to me. It's all Poor man, we all feel sooo sorry for him. Lets not expect too much from him.
it lets him off the hook constantly.
Your situation is terrible. No one would judge you for cutting him out of your life.