Hello. I am very unhappy just now.
I am 33 and I have two children. I am pregnant with a third. My husband is abusive. He is controlling, he is domineering and he is manipulative. Last month I plucked up the courage to ask him - tell him - to leave.
I've done something stupid and last week I let him back.
I suppose I did this for so many reasons, all of them stupid.
The first was loneliness. It isn't exactly that I'm afraid to be alone but I have absolutely no friends. This is largely because of dhs treatment of me/them. I also have no family (more on this later.) The absolute terror of having no one, say, to have my baby and little boy if I needed to go to hospital (DH can't be unsupervised with them really) was awful. It was more a psychological thing though: some days I felt like I didn't exist at all.
My family - my mum died when I was 15. Rather selfishly I think in the back of my mind I thought my dad would be with me forever. My dad - oh I loved him so much, but he couldn't be alone. After mum died he had so many relationships with women, most of whom didn't want a teenage daughter knocking about and I felt so hurt and rejected. It was this weirdly enough that led me to DH in the first place when I was just 18, so you see we've been together a while.
But in late August 2011 something horrible happened and I left, and went to my dad. My dad was going on holiday the next day and said to stay at home and he'd help me and my DS when he came back, only he died when abroad. He had a heart attack.
I've always felt that I caused that - I think my dad loved me more than his actions would have had you believe and he was really worried about me. So logically (!) I feel like leaving DH is cheating my dad ... Like leaving him first time killed my dad? I know that's stupid.
I have a brother but he was dependent on prescription drugs and a few months after my dad died he took an overdose and the general consensus is that this was a mistake, an accident.
So I've included this to try to explain how alone I am. I also live rurally and I am pregnant with my second daughter and she is due july.
My son is gorgeous. He is a lovely boy but is obviously traumatised by events; I understand this. My daughter never stops crying.
My mental health has been patchy since my first pregnancy. I hear voices (a man shouting my name which is terrifying) and I 'see' myself harming children and animals and elderly people - all of whom I adore - all the time. These are snapshots of images I recognise as upsetting me once, so for instance I see myself shoving my DDs pram into the road and her being squashed by a lorry. I'd never ever do this but it's so upsetting to 'see' it. Or smacking an old man across the face :( Why do I see myself doing such awful, unkind things?
I also hear dd crying when she isn't and cats miaowing 
when they are not. This stops me sleeping and this excacerbates the problem.
So you can see why I'm weak and vulnerable. I just feel so very alone much or the time.
Thank you for listening to me.