lesbian issues

[notsurewot2do32]

Namechanged for this.

Im a lesbian and Ive always really loved having guy friends. The only problem is they always seem to want more and end up being quite pushy with this. My past definitely has something to do with this as I was abused as a child(physically, sexually,emotionally)and find men really difficult to say no to. Im just too nice.

Ive found all my male friendships have ended quite inappropriately, one drove me home one day and told me I should give him a blowjob and asked if Id ever masturbated to him.(I ran a mile) Another raped me. And another one was so pushy that I basically just gave in and slept with him. Lately I feel like Im getting into another situation with a guy friend..hes made his intentions somewhat clear and I just laugh them off or ignore but it makes me very uncomfortable. Why can't me being a lesbian be enough for them? I just feel so afraid of saying no...I also just want a guy friend...nothing more. Just some male company. Its never enough. Im beginning to feel like I hate men, and like they're just out to befriend me and use me so they can say they've shagged a lesbian.

I just really don't know what to do about this.

Tbh it sounds like you need to ditch all of your "friends" and hang around a better crowd of people. None of the men in my life would ever behave like that no matter how "flirty, beautiful or friendly" a woman was to her.

Why on earth didn't your flat mate help or do anything when a man followed you to your room?!

Wow, what awful experiences you've had. I think some men do see lesbians as a "challenge". Fortunately the majority of men aren't like this. I have great male friends, but I am able to spot creepy predators easily and keep them at a distance.

As another poster said, I wonder if your radar for predators has been distorted by all the abuse you've suffered.

In which case it might be safest for you not to be friends with men and not be in situations where you're vulnerable to them (not remotely blaming you for what's happened BTW), there are just some guys I would NEVER have accepted a lift home from - I'd rather have taken my chances on the dark streets.

Have you tried self defence or martial arts classes to boost your confidence?

People are sometimes strange around homosexuals. I grew up in the 70s and it seemed to be 'the done thing' to mock people's sexuality. TBH it never occurred to me to do this, or why anyone would wish to.

I'm straight, but have a number of gay friends. Some of them have encountered people trying to 'turn' them and one lesbian friend of mine, when going through a difficult period last year, found that few of her 'friends' would support her with a hug when she needed it ("in case she got the wrong idea" )

I still think you need to review your friends list, sorry. You should have people who a) support you b) don't try to force themselves on you and c) don't condone b.

So Ive been doing some thinking about this...Ive come to the conclusion that I don't have to have straight male friendships if I don't want to. While I would like to, its proving to be a major bone of contention and tend to go for friendships with predatory men who plow past my boundaries. I know I need counseling on this.

One thing that does frustrate me is while I know not all men are like this, I feel this burning hatred towards men...god even coming on here and seeing what women go through makes me dislike them. The world just feels full of arseholes. And yes I do realise people only post about the bad bits..

you're right, you really dont have to have straight men as friends. I think friendships should be relaxed, not constantly worried that theyre going to get the wrong impression or abuse, misinterpret your friendship and walk over your boundaries.

I'm a lesbian and my experiences tell me lots of straight men can't see you merely as a mate. Perhaps we have both been unlucky, maybe it's more to do with prejudice and socialisation. Surround yourself with good friends. Ditch the arseholes.

Why is that though? Is it because they can't stand to be unnecessary? A group of males invited me out not too long ago...I wasn't too sure if they actually wanted my company or if they thought id indulge them in a gang bang so I ignored. Im just really confused as to what mens motives are sometimes.

Don't forget that women coming onto MN about their relationships usually aren't doing so because everything is great. My DH is cool and I know many other MNers with ace partners.

Stick with your trustworthy friends for a while. This isn't your fault.

I think there are still a lot of men - perhaps remnants of the "lads " culture - who truly believe that a lesbian is just a straight girl who needs a proper shag

I hate it...its like me fawning all over some straight woman. Id just never do that. Its so disrespectful! Fucking lads!

I think that's why I feel most comfortable around gay men, as a generalisation. I'm a gay woman, and whether it's right or wrong, I often feel there's a tension there with straight men and even other lesbians that there isn't with gay men, possibly because neither of us wants to sleep with the other?

You've had some really horrible experiences notsure, I'm not surprised that you're very wary of men. Particularly if you also identify as a feminist and read feminist perspectives on the world. Although "not all men are like that" it's also a reality that many are.

I don't have comparable experiences in terms of the scale of the problems you've had, but when I was younger the type of aggressive male sexual advances you've described were much more of a problem. I suspect that younger women are a more typical target for this kind of thing. It's not a perfect solution, but as you get older you may find it becomes less of an issue.

I also know from lesbian friends that there a particularly dickish type of man who sees a lesbian as a challenge (and also doesn't care if someone isn't attracted to them - for some men the enjoyment of the other party is not necessary). For this type of man I really don't know what the right answer is. I'm with you on the anger - being angry is a very sensible reaction to having someone else's lack of respect become your problem in a victim blamey way. But anger might eat you up if it turns into lack of trust for all men. Maybe just have a rule that if you don't 100% enjoy someone's company then you don't see them again - life is too short to have friends who make you feel threatened.

Hello Notsure

Some people are opportunists - be careful !

Try the "dont trust" anyone until you have known them for a long time

There are good people out there, but probably as rare as hens teeth

I think you need to set your standards higher

Life is full of experiences, some good, some bad. I dont think it matters whether you are straight or gay or bi, we all chalk up the good & the bad.

Of course you can say no to anything or anyone, the same as yes

There are "friends" who come & go out of peoples lives

There are very "rare friends" that you meet & they will be your true friend forever - I think that this is the type of friend that you are really looking for

Thats life

Good luck

I'm also a lesbian and unfortunately have also had some bad experiences with straight men, though not as terrible as yours I am very feminine and I'm told I'm too pretty to be gay. As a few have already mentioned, I've had the ridiculously insulting "you just haven't had me yet" comment and it's infuriating! I used to have lots of male friends, but I hardly have any now. I'm by no means a man hater. Far from it, but it is a definite problem that a lot of lesbians face unfortunately. I'm reluctant to say that it's mainly the extra feminine ones, but from my experience and from what I hear time and time again, it does tend to be.