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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Losing my sanity & ability to think ...

23 replies

Isthisreal3 · 26/03/2015 20:53

Hi again,

So I've posted on here before about what I now know is an emotionally abusive relationship. I can't find the courage to leave, I feel immensely guilty that my husband is having the worst crisis in his life & I am struggling to cope. If I leave I make it so so much worse for him, if I stay I just keep giving more & more until I have no more capacity to cope.

He is on his knees, his hugely successful & flourishing career has come crashing down & is under scrutiny. He is lost, angry & vulnerable. He can't cope with day to day life, with my 5 & 2yrs olds energy & excitement. He won't get help for himself.

I live on eggshells, for a year I have tried to smooth things over, manage the children's behaviour, take them out all day, give him space. We can barely breathe without putting a foot wrong & being too stressful for him. There is nothing I can do to make it right for him. I've supported all I can but its not enough for him.

I've said I will take girls to live with my parents where they are happy & have no atmosphere. He can see them everyday & spend as much time as he likes with us but I have support & space. He will need to rent somewhere to live as we need to move out of our family home due to his work situation. Alternatively we rent a new family home together.

He can't believe I am thinking of separating us at a time like this. I will be responsible for his further downfall. I need to support him. I don't know how to help him anymore. I can't support & condone his anger towards others even though I can truly understand why he is stressed & angry. Am I a truly awful wife for even considering that we need some distance right now? I should stay by him & support but everyday i stay I am losing ability to cope much further, is that selfish?

We are struggling & falling apart :(( my girls are my everything, I never wished this childhood upon them.

Thanks x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/03/2015 20:55

You have a clear choice here, OP

Your children or your adult male partner

Use it wisely

Quitelikely · 26/03/2015 21:01

Could you clarify why his career has been on its knees for a year? Is this likely to end soon or ever?

Is the home under threat? Is money bad?

I am trying to work out why he thinks you should tolerate his behaviour. I know why you think you should tolerate it but will he get any better?

You say you know it's abusive but is this due to his job or was he always abusive?

Because I'm afraid if he has always been abusive my advice would be to leave. Make a plan then go. Nothing ever changes for long with this type of man although they are good at continuously giving you crumbs of love which you so desperately want and so on it continues.

Quitelikely · 26/03/2015 21:03

And another thing you shouldn't be expected to carry the burden of taking the children out all day to give him a rest. At two year old they are very hard work but that work should be shared.

Original poster

Isthisreal3 · 26/03/2015 21:16

He works for the nhs, if a pt complains it's investigated. Whilst under investigation you are not able to work...this has gone on for a year now & who knows when a conclusion will be made.
He still gets salary but additional income stops...hence our family home is being rented as mortgage is high & we will find somewhere smaller & cheaper.

He loves us & the girls immensely & sees himself as a provider hence feels like he's let us down... But yes he was controlling & angry before.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 28/03/2015 11:53

Right. Do you feel he's probably guilty of what the patient complained about? I'm guessing that yes he is, considering you said he's been controlling and angry for a long time.

He won't get help for himself.
I've supported all I can but its not enough for him.
You've done what you can. Time to cut yourself and the children loose before he drags you down with him.

paxtecum · 28/03/2015 12:01

Oh love, you do need to separate for a while at least.
It's really not good for the DCs to be living in such a terrible atmosphere.

Moving in with you parents who live nearby is a great solution and maybe DH will be less stressed without the children around.

Quitelikely · 28/03/2015 12:11

You said he is angry and controlling regardless.

Please see this for what it is. You are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and you will only last so long.

Please know this isn't normal. A real relationship is warm, nice and a pleasant place to be. Every. Day.

sending you courage.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/03/2015 12:59

Get away from him and let him sink or swim on his own. HIs problems are his own fault, because he is a selfish, abusive bully.

Is the complaint against him to do with abuse of a patient, by any chance? If it is, he almost certainly did it: that would fit the picture of the man you have given.

kittybiscuits · 28/03/2015 13:36

Just to clarify, OP, apart from everything else, there is no automatic 'if a patient complains you get suspended' in the NHS. If he has been suspended, it reflects that there has been a very serious complaint. Plenty of people who are the subject of a complaint or investigation in the NHS are able to carry on working.

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/03/2015 14:14

Just to add to what Kitty has said, the normal procedure should be around 28 days too conclusion. Complex cases of which this one sounds, must be extremely serious if it's still on going.

If it was gross misconduct then he would have been dismissed instantly.

CharlotteCollins · 28/03/2015 14:54

Your idea to move out with the girls is a good one, OP. Stick to your guns.

Your answer to his complaints of desertion could be that you will continue to support him as best you can, but the first priority for both of you has to be your DCs.

He will continue to argue against your decision, because his first priority is himself, not his DCs. Be brave and move out anyway.

FabULouse · 28/03/2015 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yarp · 28/03/2015 17:23

You have said it all so clearly. it is for your children's benefit that you are doing this.

You don't have to accept his version of how things are; he is not seeing things clearly at the moment. If he is depressed, then he needs to seek treatment for this; no-one can prop him up at cost to themselves and their children.

Yarp · 28/03/2015 17:26

I don't know the background to this. Was he angry before this crisis?

SomethingOnce · 28/03/2015 20:26

Please put your daughters' emotional wellbeing above all else and go to your parents ASAP.

Tell yourself it's temporary if it helps make the decision.

Cherryapple1 · 28/03/2015 20:32

I think you are letting his career problems get in the way of what he is really like - he is an abusive bully. Putting his suspension aside, the way you are living now is just awful. And I agree with others, I bet his behaviour at work is under such scrutiny as he has behaved badly there too. You need to get your children away from this atmosphere and awful example of a father asap. The guilt is not yours. Don't use that as an excuse not to leave.

cabbageandgravy · 28/03/2015 20:49

So he won't get help for himself, but insists you 'help' him by not leaving? If you leave, you feel (or he has said, perhaps?) you will be responsible for his 'further downfall'

Here's the thing - as I see it anyway. He's responsible for his situation and how he deals with it. Not you. But he doesn't seem to like that idea. It probably terrifies, or possibly revolts him. Owning that responsibility might be so catastrophic to his idea of who he is, that maybe he cannot accept it. So much easier for him to think you/terrible people at work etc are responsible. He may even believe you can make it better. You can't. You can only make your own situation better and that of your dcs.

I think in your situation I might be proactive about seeking help for him, but I hope I would not be prepared to live like this. Really does not sound fair on the kids. They should only have to see him when he feels he can cope and be dad nicely.

Original poster

Isthisreal3 · 28/03/2015 21:49

Thanks all, he was like this before, more arrogant and controlling whereas now the arrogance has been replaced with desperation & a sense that I need to be more supportive, do more, give more, agree with him more.

I have alluded to the fact that we shall be moving to my parents, the last few days have been bad but more directed at me than the children. They are away until fri & I don't want to rock the boat too much til they are back as no other support around.

Cabbageandgravy what help could I seek for him? We were in counselling together but he won't return until this situation resolves as says pointless. The counsellor was actually very good. He stopped going to anger management. He declined his GP's advise for counselling. I would feel better in my mind if I knew I was doing something to help.

Oh & yes if I leave it has been clearly pointed out what a catastrophic effect it would have on him & on girls future.

With regards to work, I can only go with what I have been told, but not abusive towards patients & quite minor clinically ie no patients have suffered detrimentally in any way.

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 28/03/2015 22:16

You aren't meant to seek any help for him. Surely he needs to do that himself? You cannot fix him. Nor can you change his behaviour.

And if you stay with an abusive man then that would be catastrophic on their future. Leaving would be a huge relief for them I am sure.

NewLeaflet · 28/03/2015 22:34

We were in counselling together but he won't return until this situation resolves as says pointless. The counsellor was actually very good. So you were willing to continue but he wasn't willing to help himself.

He stopped going to anger management. He is not willing to help himself.

He declined his GP's advise for counselling. He is not willing to help himself.

I would feel better in my mind if I knew I was doing something to help. What can you do if he is refusing to help himself?

cabbageandgravy · 28/03/2015 23:06

Op I see all sorts of avenues have been tried and abandoned so I don't think by this stage I would be feeling there was any point in seeking anything else - sorry I think you have got past that.

It very much looks as though you have done all you can and should to help him. I understand you feel you should help but plainly you cannot. You aren't able to do more, he needs professionals but, because he won't / can't be helped, you are quite powerless over him. Therefore, quite without responsibility towards him.

cabbageandgravy · 28/03/2015 23:07

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like hell.

CharlotteCollins · 28/03/2015 23:08

it has been clearly pointed out what a catastrophic effect this would have on him & girls

Well, yes, that's his point of view and he's entitled to it. What do you think?

I thought you weren't suggesting the separation as "leaving" him as such, but just a way to protect the DCs while he's struggling?

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