Sensitive sexual issue (possibly triggering) Sorry [sad]

[SaltyDog21]

I am having to admit to myself lately that I have some deep seated sexual issues that I may need help with. I just feel so ashamed, though, and dont know how I would ever be able to bring myself to see someone about this or who I would see? Its is so hard to even write it down :-(

I am married to a good, loving man, my best friend and I love him very much. We have been together for 15 years and have children, but I have never enjoyed sex with him. Well, not since the very early days (maybe first year or so). He is attentive and enjoys pleasing me, so it is not him. Its me. I just dont enjoy loving 'normal' sex, I hate kissing, I feel cold and panicky when he touches me (even when he is gentle and loving) and I feel awful for it. I have learned over the years to fake arousal / enjoyment, because i dont know how to tell a man I love very much that I cant enjoy a normal, loving sex life. When he kisses me I feel like I cant breathe. When he touches me I have to grit my teeth and just feel frozen and like I want to cry.

I had a string of abusive relationships before I met my husband. I was groomed by an older man at 15 (only recently started to see it as grooming/abuse) and had three different boyfriends (including a serious boyfriend right before DH) who were sexually abusive, domineering etc and i think I became used to it to the point that I actually enjoyed it (sorry...i know that sounds dreadful) and somehow my fucked up brain now equates sexual pleasure with being forced, coerced, even hurt. So in a loving relationship, where the sex is nothing like that (my husband adores and respects me and would never hurt or force me) I cant 'enjoy' sex. I know how fucked up that sounds and I am so sorry if it is triggering for anyone reading.

What can I do about this? I am already seeing a psychotherapist for depression, but I could not imagine ever telling her this. I am frightened even writing it down here. I feel sick. But it dawned on me very recently that I must do something, I cant go on like this. It isnt fair to my husband and I am scared that there is something really wrong with me.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through OP.

The fact that you are acknowledging that this possibly isn't quite right is the first step to changing it though, if that's what you want. I'm sure discussing it with a therapist to help you understand what you are feeling would help greatly.

Although I have also been in one similar relationship to the ones you have described, but sexually I have been the same as yourself even before that.

I do not like 'loving' sex. I think that everyone is different in terms of preferences and you should not be too hard on yourself. But if you have identified it as a 'problem' to yourself then you will always view it as a problem until you come to terms with it.

Hope that doesn't sound too ramble-y.

Please OP try and summons up the nerve to talk to your psycotherapist about this. Your previous life experiences are almost certainly connected to your depression, and s/he will have a better chance to help you if you can bring yourself to explain everything.

None of it was your fault, and no one will blame you. Your inability to enjoy the kind of sex that you have with your loving DH again could be contributing to your feelings of depression.

Try and trust your therapist enough to let all your dark secrets out into the light, or they will continue to fester. If you are not 100per cent confident in your therapist, try and find anothe if possibler, perhaps a man instead of a woman, or vice versa.

This is just a thought, and forgive me if you find it offensive or ridiculous. Your DH obviously cares about you and your sexual pleasure. If you were able to be completely honest with him about what you like, would introducing role play into your bedroom repetoire be something he would be prepared to do? Is that something that might help you?

I agree with deja. You can't help what you like sexually, and imo there's nothing wrong with liking anything (as long as it's between consenting adults) so don't feel bad about it at all. But talk to your therapist about it, and tell your dh how you'd like him to be - maybe switch roles first to show him exactly how you'd like him to be with you when having foreplay/sex, and then get him to do it that way.

this is actually very common and i can relate to what you say. if you cant talk to your counsellor could you print this thread off and show it to her? she will not be shocked by this, shes probably waiting for you to open up.

I have no previous history of abuse, but I do have a preference for being dominated by a rough well endowed man when it comes to sex. Just because you have the same preference might not have anything to do with your previous abusive relationships, it might just be coincidence. It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Have you ever asked your man to be more dominant in bed?

My husband is the gentle, loving, affectionate type when it comes to sex and even after 14 years our sex life is very active and I still do, and always have enjoyed what we have, it is very much a part of the love we share, but it wasn't enough, and for a long time I was very frustrated sexually. He tried to be what I wanted but he couldn't do it, and because I have a high sex drive, him being unable to satisfy me was a big problem, one I just put up with in silence for a long time until I could no longer stand it. I knew that I had to do something about it or our marriage would suffer, so I did do something.

I think I understand. Like the previous poster, my husband is also gentle and not terribly sexually driven. He's also not interested in 'that' kind of sex, whereas I am, and though we are emotionally very compatible, I felt a bit disappointed about this, though am fine with it, being up to him.

I has similar early experiences and, through reading and exploring the situation emotionally, I came to the conclusion that this sometimes happens ( that we want to act out these fantasies) because we want to 'replay' our experiences where we might not have felt comfortable and in control, in a controlled atmosphere (ie with our husbands) to therefore 'make it right'.

I have also come to terms with this situation. It is part of who I am, in a sexual sense, and I am ok with that. It simply helps me to understand more about my experiences, and why I am who I am. I don't feel guilty or try to repress it. In a way, it is a therapy in and of itself.

Not sure how well I have expressed this, but essentially I think if you understand why it is there and make your peace with it being there, without guilting yourself, then it does help.

Ps: jd56 - may I ask what something you did, in the end? And I agree, lots of people with no backstory also have these fantasies, look at certain popular recent novels!

OP, don't be ashamed, neither your experiences not desires are something to be ashamed of. The men who took advantage of you should feel that way, but not you.

I wonder if it matters if your past and sexual desires are connected. Right now it's all on your mind and the stress of not being able to just talk it over with a friend etc would, I imagine make it all worse. Your therapist will not be shocked by these thoughts, but if you don't feel comfortable enough with him/her to open up about this, it'd be worth finding someone else. Some have extra training in sexual issues.

@lunalelle First off I had to be honest with myself and also stop beating myself up about the feelings I was having. I found myself feeling so guilty, loving my DH as much as I did and yet always thinking about having sex with another. Then I had to be honest with my husband. This was the hardest part because whatever way you say it, no matter how gentle you are, what you are telling him is that he is not able to satisfy you. I would tell him in the nicest, most gentle, most loving way, but what he was thinking in his head was that I no longer loved him, or he was inadequate, or not "man enough." This wasn't helped by the fact that he has PE issues. We stopped having sex, in fact it effected our marriage in every way. I felt terrible, but over time, and after smothering him with love we got things back. This did not stop my own frustration though, and after a while I felt confident I could discuss it with him again and I did. He was less hurt this time and we were able to talk in a much calmer manner. After some time he asked me what it was I wanted and I suggested opening up our marriage. Again he was hurt and I decided to leave it with him and if he never mentioned it again I would forget it. He did though. He told me if that was what I really wanted he would support me as long as it truly made me happy. He also stressed that he had no intention or interest in seeing anyone else himself. ( I admit this made me very happy) I told him I would stick to any rules he had. He said that I was not to sleep around. ( I wasn't going too) and he said that I had to be safe and that if I ever got pregnant that would be the end of our marriage.

What we have now is not conventional, but it truly does work for us. I am very lucky to having such a loving, laid back and giving husband.

Your depression might also be a contributing factor here. The sadness and worthlessness that comes alongside feeling depressed can be very damaging to sex drives in general but maybe it also contributes (along with your history?) to not feeling like you are worthy of gentle / loving sex and therefore shouldn't be enjoying it?

There's nothing wrong with enjoying different types of sexual relationship, including bdsm type domination, so long as it's in the context of a relationship where you are safe and valued. If that's what turns you on then you should try and discuss bringing elements of that into your relationship with your husband.

But I suspect from your post that it wouldn't at this point make you feel all that great and that maybe talking through your previous experiences and your current feelings about yourself with your therapist first might be a good idea.

OP, please believe that being abused, especially at this very impressionable age, when you are just learning about sexual response, it is very common for this to influence your sexuality as an adult. It is such a hard thing to admit and it feels so huge and shameful and that you must be the sickest person in the world. You're not!! There are thousands of others who know exactly how you feel, but it's so hard to talk about.

It's taken a lot of time and work for me to recover my sexuality, but I am now very confident about what I enjoy and can guide my partner. I still prefer a more hard and energetic style than the gentle loving kind - that leaves me very bored!

Do you feel you are getting on well with your current therapist? Do you trust her? If so, I would encourage you to start talking about your past. You don't need to go into details.

However if you don't feel she has been very helpful so far, you may need to look for someone else. Good therapists are like shoes - you need to find one who fits.

Good luck - you deserve to heal and to enjoy a full and satisfying sex life.

Hello lovely

Sorry your going through this, if you are already seeing a therapist for depression then it's a safe bet that she may have an inkling your holding back. There's a big possibility that your depression is a direct result of all these issues.

Keeping secrets/ thoughts like these for such a long time cause emotional and physical responses, secrets have a power of their own and Weald that power quite destructively through our daily lives.

You are not unusual or abnormal, it is also a known fact that some abuse survivors report feelings of guilt over what they see as some enjoyment during the abuse. This is because our bodies are covered in sensitive nerve endings and can betray us even in stressful or abusive conditions.

You have found such courage to post here, if you could dig a little deeper and explore with your therapist, it will ease your load and begin your healing process.