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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Come and tell me how you keep the spark alive...

8 replies

blushingnamechange · 26/03/2015 18:58

DH and I got married just over a year ago having been together for 9 years. We've always had (ahem) an adventurous, exciting and fairly regular sex life. In the last year, and I don't think in any way related to the wedding or marriage itself, we have had quite a few ups and downs.

I was hospitalised with a life threatening illness which resulted in me being put on a diet which caused a lot of weight gain, He's been quite depressed with work issues and issues with his DD. We've both changed jobs and work very long hours. And I've had incredibly erratic/ prolonged periods which lasted sometimes for a two weeks at a time, due to the illness. All in all... none of this has been conducive to either of us feeling particularly sexy.

We've both been feeling down about it but today he has raised it.. on text, which although not ideal I am pleased about and one of us had to say something. We've gone from sex maybe five times a week, to once every two weeks, sometimes less. It's always in bed, lights out, routine.. not great at all for either of us.

I think that the lack of sex has made us less tactile with each other in general, and in turn the lack of normal physical contact has made sex less on our minds. A vicious circle. As I think most women can also relate to.. if I've not been touched all day I object to being fondled as an immediate precursor to sex.

I would love to get the spark back but my weight gain is making it really hard. I'm sure he still fancies me... but I have no body confidence.

How has anyone else managed to keep things alive??

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 26/03/2015 19:14

What worked for is was gradual touching in the evening, throughout the day.

Things like holding hands when watching tv, hand on dh knee when close, a quick kids here and there.

Because we had been so caught up in other things we were sort of living like friends in a bed and outside of it if you like.

The touching sort of stopped that because obviously friends don't touch and hug all the time!

The rest followed. Keep working at it.

blushingnamechange · 26/03/2015 19:21

Thank you quitelikely. I think this is what I will suggest. I feel like there is a huge pressure now that he has raised it to rush home and have sex in every room but I don't think that would solve the problem.

Do you think it is okay to say to him that I feel like we only have physical contact when we are going to have sex? I don't want him to feel like some weird pervert with a one track mind. Maybe he doesn't realise there needs to be a build up throughout the day... I suppose men can switch it on and off more easily?

I do try to touch him in the day but he doesn't really reciprocate. HE would never initiate touching. Other than for sex.

Oh dear, that's made me quite sad writing that.

Maybe he doesn't want to touch me, because we're not having sex. And I don't want to have sex, because we're not touching.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 26/03/2015 19:29

I agree with above

Could you also maybe get a holiday? It sounds as if you have both been through a stressful time, perhaps you need some time away from everything to relax and kick start things. Even an overnight at a nice hotel...spa, long walk, nice food etc

Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/03/2015 19:30

If you have always had a fun and exciting time before this, he won't necessarily see the need to change his approach, or do things differently unless you start the conversation. I wouldn't say 'do this or do that' but just start an open conversation about how you feel about your body, he feels about his body (and feeling depressed/stressed) and see where he takes you.

If in the past you have been more than happy with the direct approach, then I don't think you can conclude he doesn't want to touch you except for sex- sex was your touching if you were at it 5 times a week. Now though, with you all feeling a bit bruised and battered, things may need to be different. I think cuddling, touching, a bit of flirting goes a long way as does some honest frank communication about all your needs.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/03/2015 19:30

I means where 'this takes' you (Freudian slip!)

blushingnamechange · 26/03/2015 19:37

Ha! Thanks very much. I'm not great at talking and neither is he but that's what's got us here I think

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 26/03/2015 19:51

I don't mean talk for hours about things, I mean a shortish frank convo about how you both feel about your sex life. Sometimes just airing the problems can help and you are then both aware of what the other one is thinking and wanting. You can then take action (or not) as appropriate. I'm not into long conversations, and nor is my husband.

blushingnamechange · 26/03/2015 20:28

Short and sweet it is Smile

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